Sometimes difficult to tell the difference between a man who simply does not want to engage with us and a phobic of engagement. Especially when it blows hot and cold …
However, certain signs can alert us such as, for example, if he takes to his heels as soon as we start talking about joint projects or that we have the unpleasant impression that he always passes his needs before ours. Then we might have set our sights on a commitment phobic.
Being phobic of engagement means that you suffer from relational anxiety or a fear of relationships, which does not prevent the phobic, like everyone else, from experiencing real feelings. However, as intense as they are, they make him anxious to the point of constantly jeopardizing his romantic relationship.
But then, how can you avoid living a disastrous story if you care about the other? The first thing to do is to identify with certainty that our partner is suffering from a commitment phobia. And precisely, Tracey Cox, expert in relational relations has compiled a list in the Daily Mail to help us locate a phobic, and delivers us in passing some tips to help our couple to overcome this devastating anxiety.
1- He had a bad love experience
In the phobic of commitment, it is the fear of being hurt again that takes precedence over the desire to invest again in a romantic relationship. “Look at their past and you will usually find the reason why they ended up this way. They were married or engaged in a long-term relationship that ended badly. A parent died or his parents divorced and they saw them Worse, their parents are together but totally miserable or poisonous. ” In fact, his vision of life as a couple is not an ideal to follow.
2- He had a lot of short term relationships
If he has the habit of breaking up after three months, even three years for the most daring, it is also a sign that he is afraid to commit . Indeed, as this couples expert notes, these are “moments when most couples make small or large commitments”. She also advises to take a closer look at the types of people with whom they were flirting because they tend to favor impossible relationships by mating with unavailable people. Either because they are married, too invested in their work or because they live at the other end of France (of the globe?).
3- He likes to control everything
As he is afraid of engaging, the phobic of relationships is afraid of losing control, in other words, you will have a hard time imposing your choices within the relationship. So, “if your partner hates being told what to do, watch out for you”, he may just be afraid to let go and keep control, including of his feelings, is the best way for him found to stay on guard. A shield that will prevent him from suffering but that, alas, will not protect you and your feelings.
4- He blows hot and cold
You fell into his little game of seduction as he knew how to be charming without letting anything appear. But once the feelings appeared, his “prince charming” side instantly disappeared. A change in behavior which is explained by the fact that, according to Tracey Cox, “they like hunting but not catching”. And for good reason, to be captured would amount to agreeing to commit …
5- You have never met your loved ones
Friends, family, work colleagues, the phobic of engagement is careful not to present his own because it would be a way to make you officially enter his life. “The more people you know close to him, the closer you get to him – and he finds it dangerous!”, Reveals the expert.
6- He is irresponsible
It is not only in love that the phobic of engagement is afraid of investing himself, but in all aspects of his life. They are generally people who are always late , including in paying their bills despite reminders. A chaotic life on all levels therefore.
7- He does not like to make plans
Knowing each other well, the phobic of engagement suddenly has a hard time making commitments whatever they are because it scares him in advance. “Whether it’s taking out a mortgage or contributing to the pot for a group party with friends, they just can’t say, ‘Okay, I’m doing it,'” says Tracey Cox, adding that in love, some even find it difficult to commit to seeing the other the next day.
8- He does not share intimate details about himself
Another characteristic specific to the phobic of commitment: he tends to hide his feelings and is careful not to show any sign of affection. And here is the reason according to the expert in couple relationships: “To tell you intimate things about themselves is to give you the power to hurt them”. However, they do not like to show their vulnerability.
9- He puts himself before you
Too busy protecting themselves, commitment phobics tend to ignore your emotional needs. It is not voluntary, but the result is the same: you feel neglected by it .
10- He panics when you mention the word “commitment”
This is the cursed word in his vocabulary, to which can be added “marriage”, “travel,” baby “,” moving in “and” bank credit “. And you will see it shudder even with a simple proposal of the type” My best friend marry this weekend. Do you want to accompany me to the wedding? “, Emphasizes the expert. Indeed, for him, the threat is already present and he should find an excuse on the spot to decline the invitation, or even distance himself.
What can you do to try to save your couple from this phobia?
According to Tracey Cox, there are still a few ways to reassure your lover and gently lead him to overcome his phobia if the feelings are there. Indeed, “many engagement phobics overcome their fears once they find someone who gives them time to get used to being part of a couple.”
First, the expert advises to go slowly, not to put too much pressure on her. “Some people just need time to make big decisions and are not commitment phobics.”
You can also point out to her, she adds, that nothing is ever 100% guaranteed: “We live in a very uncertain world, we are never 100% sure of anything. None of us know what tomorrow is done. All you can do is make the right choice and do whatever it takes to make it work. “
As for vulnerability, “let them know that whoever loves makes them vulnerable. You are both at the same level of risk.”
It is also important to ask yourself if this union is really timely: talking about it with a trusted friend should help you comfort or not, in your decision to persevere.
If he recognizes his phobia and wants to get rid of it, you can offer him your help or suggest that of a professional. Conversely, if you are the only one who sees that there is a problem, it may be better to leave rather than engage in a one-way relationship .