I do. And I still wonder.
Now that I am married, this question seems all the more vital. I think about it since the divorce of my parents and many of my friends.
So I looked for answers by observing my friends and clients, doing extensive research and – most importantly – being honest with myself.
I have made a list of the ten essential qualities to be well in your relationship. You will surely find others.
The good news is that they are not innate. We can work on them.
1. They manage to mourn the past without letting it define their current relationship
Ruptures happen. And sometimes it really hurts. But the main thing is to realize that they do not necessarily determine what will happen in your next relationships. Those who are good in their relationships have managed to move on. When a problem arises, they do not forget that their partner is not their ex, and they manage at best, without complicating things with old reflexes.
2. They receive but do not forget to give
They know that any lasting relationship works on the give and take. I took a long time to accept to deliver myself. I wanted to receive it, but I thought that if I gave too much, the other would benefit or hurt me. For my husband, it has long been the opposite. Before me, he was only giving in the hope of being loved, because he thought he did not deserve this love. That may be why we liked it, but we are aware of this dynamic and we are making efforts to find the right balance.
3. They know how to take time for themselves
There are people who disappear completely when they are in a relationship. I’m sure you know what I mean, or that you’ve been like that yourself. From the moment they are in a relationship, they stop seeing their friends, their family, or doing what they love. It was my case. But now, in a healthy relationship, it is important to do things on your side, to find yourself a little. You just have to accept that the other does the same!
4. They learn to really communicate
Real communication is something that is constantly worked on. People who have never felt like they were listened to when they were children, or who are afraid to express their feelings, may have a little trouble. The secret is to create a tender and reassuring atmosphere where everyone can express themselves. Saying what’s on your mind can be stressful, but not as stressful as keeping it all to yourself.
5. They discover their partner’s language and use it regularly
Have you read Gary Chapman’s 5 Languages of Love? If you want to get along better, I highly recommend it. Basically, the author explains that there are five ways to express love: encouragement, caresses, time spent in private, small helping hands and gifts. Once you understand how each one expresses itself in the couple, you can meet the expectations of the other.
6. They make themselves laugh
Sometimes it’s better to laugh about it than to ride your big horses. When my husband and I argue, and I’m really angry, something comes out of me that ends up making me laugh. Suddenly, what seemed so serious a minute ago no longer matters.
7. They are not too demanding of others
No one is perfect, and we are the first. If you’ve ever lived with someone for more than a few weeks, you know that. Avoid expecting too much from the other: he or she has his faults, his complexes, and his weaknesses, like everyone else. And this is precisely what makes him or her attractive. This is valid for your couple as a whole.
