Starting a new relationship and dealing with anxiety
You are starting a new relationship, that’s amazing! There are butterflies in your stomach, and it seems that you are flying without walking and everything is just rosy. You want to be with him all the time and you have a little heart in your eyes. Being in a relationship is wonderful, right? But it can also be a breeding ground for anxious thoughts and feelings.
When the anxiety starts, you start to question everything. Anxiety in relationships is quite common and can arise at any stage of the relationship and sabotage it. What is causing that anxiety? How can you cope with it successfully?
Love can challenge you in many unexpected ways. The more you value or love a person, the more they will lose and basically fear that they will get hurt. When you start a new relationship, what makes you anxious is not just what happens between you and him, it is that petty coach inside your head who loves to criticize you. Have you met him? We’ll call it your “critical inner voice.”
He’s the one who tells you that “you’re too ugly or boring or fat to hold his interest” or “you can’t trust him” or “he doesn’t love you.” Look, he’s really bad and he can turn you against yourself and, in this case, against him. You can’t let me do that, right? So how can you fight him? What can you do to cope with this new relationship anxiety?
1. Do a reality check
Go inside your head and instead of asking “What if?” Start asking “What is it?” The thought “What if?” It is what produces your anxiety, takes you to an imaginary place in the future full of fear. By using the “What is” thought, you will place yourself and this new relationship in the present and this will allow you to see it and see your anxiety for what it really is.
You will see that all those stories that happen inside your head are just that, unproductive noise that your head (helped by the bad coach) loves to weave to make you doubt yourself and sabotage all the good things that happen in your life.
2. For perspective, consult with a friend or family member
Perhaps during the question of “What is it?”, You notice something that needs to be checked, such as “Am I a different person when I am with him?” Just to be safe, go ahead and ask a good friend for his opinion, if his answer is “No, you are totally yourself when you are with him” then go ahead, that was just in your head.
3. To avoid wandering thoughts, keep busy
As they say “don’t put all your eggs in one basket”. Ok, you are starting a new relationship and you need to focus on it so that everything goes well. That is good up to a point, it is good that you are working to make things work, but do not forget that you are also an individual, so you must maintain your own life in fullness.
Putting your full attention on the new relationship is not healthy, so keep your friends, find a hobby, work hard, exercise… keep busy.
Stages of a new relationship
All relationships have stages. Wouldn’t it be great to have a love map to guide us through each stage? Many of the stages of new relationships are based on hormones and body chemistry.
These are 5 stages that almost all couples go through during a new relationship, take a look.
1. The head vs. heart stage
This is the familiarization phase, your brain makes a war with your heart because you don’t want to commit too quickly. Butterflies in the stomach are good and exciting, but don’t let them obscure your perspective. Is it someone you have seen yourself with for a long time?
2. The stage “we are two different people”
Now you are getting to know him and after a few months, you discovered that he gets on your nerves! That’s good, it means that now you know that he’s not perfect and neither are you. Recognizing that you and he are two very different people is a good thing. In a relationship, you have to accept the whole person with the good, the bad, and the miss. This stage is good for that.
3. The return to the stage of “life as always”
This is the stage where all parts of your life should be in the mix, you have work, social obligations and now him. Maybe some days you feel like things aren’t going very well because you can’t see each other as often as possible, but that’s good because for things to work, your relationship has to be integrated into your daily life. You will learn to trust him without constant contact.
4. The comfortable setting
Being comfortable does not mean that romance is out of the door, all the positive qualities of your partner will come back and reaffirm your decision to date this person. This stage helps strengthen the new relationship so that both of you can make a conscious decision to commit to each other.
5. The stage of we are a team
This is the final stage of your new relationship journey. The stage of true love, in which they make decisions as a couple, they seek the best interest of the other. You have become a team.
Questions to ask in a new relationship
There has to be compatibility in a relationship, otherwise it could fail. We are not saying that you have to agree on everything, after all, they are two very different people, but there must be common ground from which to build.
That’s why asking questions is important in a new relationship, that’s a good way to start an important conversation where you will get to know him and you because it has to be a two-way conversation.
Here are some questions to ask each other, it goes without saying that honesty is a must when answering.
- What did you learn from your last relationship?
- What do you like to do for fun or relaxation?
- Do you agree with PDAs (public displays of affection)?
- Do you like to read? What is your favorite book?
- You like dancing? What music you prefer?
- Do you like spending time with your family?
- What would be your ideal date?
- Have you traveled a lot? Which is your favorite place?
- Do you like what you do? Do you like your job?
- Are you happy? Did you have a happy childhood?
- What are your views on marriage?
- You like children? Do you have any?
- Are you religious? Do you practice a religion?
There could be many more, but we believe that with the above list you are covered.
12 new relationship tips no one told you about
New relationships are full of potential, possibilities and discoveries, it is the “honeymoon stage” and you should be able to enjoy it. Enjoy getting to know him and spending time together and less time stressed.
Maybe you need some advice on how to achieve all of that, here are 12 trivia we hope you can use.
1. Leave negative experiences in the past
Don’t bring all those fears, worries and negative experiences into this new relationship, especially on those first few dates, keep the focus on him on the possibilities and potential you see there. Interrogations about past relationships on both sides are not recommended.
2. Comparisons are gruesome, don’t do them
You are in this relationship because you like this person, right? So why would you compare what you have with him or him to your past relationship? It won’t do you any good. This is a new beginning, so stay in the present.
3. Don’t look for perfection, a little conflict is normal
There will be disagreements, that’s totally normal because you don’t have to agree or see things the same way (that would be a bit boring). If you’re going through a slump, walk on it, talk about it, don’t drop the relationship.
4. Space is needed on both sides
Don’t become a stalker, that’s not okay. Remember that you both have separate lives and you should live them that way so that when you get together you have something to talk about, to share.
4. Validate what you say with actions.
Talking is easy, but actions really speak volumes. You need to back up your words with actions, otherwise there will be a hole in your relationship. That goes both ways.
5. Show your true self
Being vulnerable scares most people, it opens you up to getting hurt and nobody wants that. But if you want to build trust and deepen your connection with him, you will have to. I would appreciate it very much, you will see.
6. Communication is key
If you don’t like something you did or said, say it out loud (not shouting), but don’t keep quiet to “keep the peace.” This is how limits are set so you know how to respect them. It is the healthiest way to navigate a new relationship.
7. Showing off is so unpleasant, don’t do it
That goes both ways, if they are together it is because they like each other, right? So why brag? You don’t have to continually impress each other, just be proud of who you are without the need to list all your life accomplishments.
8. Don’t accept or reward bad behavior
Don’t apologize either. You can try to change their bad behavior by offering positive reinforcement, but if that doesn’t work, if nothing changes, just say goodbye.
9. Extreme need is a red flag
As a new couple, you will want to spend all your free time together, that’s normal, but don’t start demanding his time or restricting him from doing the things he did before you started dating. Constant calls and texts will stress you out and could alienate you.
10. Don’t cancel for family or friends
Do not leave everything to be with him, he can generate wrong expectations. Spend time with your family, and if you made plans to hang out with friends, honor them.
11. Some patience is required, but always be realistic
Have you noticed that all the promises you made are not coming true? Maybe you wait a bit after talking to him to see if something changes, if nothing changes then don’t waste your time there, you have a life to live.
12. make him feel heard and appreciated
That means you should listen when he talks about important things in his life, ask questions about those topics, and show some curiosity. Those actions are the building blocks of a good relationship. That should work both ways.
New relationships are exciting, they are full of discoveries and they give you butterflies in your stomach. At the same time, they can also be stressful, keep in mind everything we talk about here so that if you find the right guy you don’t screw things up.