Affective dependence does not bring the different currents of psychology into harmony. Some will question its definition, others its very existence. ( Isn’t human being naturally addictive? )
So I would only give MY definition here. Affective dependence is an OI but in a relationship. We are addicted and ready for anything for the other, to the point of losing our common sense. And, generally, a relationship starting with an OI continues with AD ( emotional dependence ).
1.Gain financial independence
A reader told me about a study read on Her: the better a woman earns her life, the more she tended to be unfaithful. Thus, this reader concluded that it was perhaps better to marry a woman earning a lower salary than his own.
( In itself, it is not that difficult. Even today, with the same position and skills, a woman will receive [on average] 20% less than a man .)
Unfortunately, I have not found the study. But, if it exists ( which is probable ) and that there is indeed a correlation between salary and loyalty ( which is also probable ), it lacks essential elements in the analysis of this study: the dependency rate and wife’s satisfaction.
Indeed, if we find ourselves financially dependent on a man, it will be difficult to leave him ( or to deceive him, unless we are very discreet ). Whether we are happy or not, Monsieur offers us a roof.
Women are not fortunate enough to be able to work in all countries, so they are subject to father and husband. Work ( and the financial independence that goes with it ) remains an essential guarantee of our freedom. Material conditions no longer come into play in our choice of partner.
I’m probably breaking open doors. I do not fundamentally object to one of the partners (man or woman, for that matter ) staying at home for some time. As long as Love does not become a financial prison.
Finally, working is also offering yourself the chance to flourish outside the couple, to be recognized, to meet new people, to learn many things. Our self-esteem is built on other pillars than Love, and it is not nothing.
So, of course, it is possible that a good salary and/or a loved job will make you less faithful. But it is surely because it makes it free to leave a relationship that no longer suits us.
2. Don’t break up with your loved ones
It was a mistake I made.
When I fell in love, maybe I am not the only one, I gave less and less time to my loved ones ( friends, family, colleagues … ). Between a drink with girlfriends on Friday evening and a romantic restaurant evening, my heart swayed seriously to decide on Doudou, whose beautiful eyes were right about everything.
Certainly, we rarely feel as good as in the arms of the loved man. Especially during the honeymoon period. So, we let the links loose ( or sometimes cut them ). We lose the least constructed friendships. We don’t go as easily to new people anymore ( Doudou’s friends, it doesn’t count ). As for the deepest relationships, we no longer give them as much time.
Easily, the relationship can become fused. The other becomes your only landmark. And when conflicts start, the merger can easily turn into alienation. One becomes ready to do anything to keep the other. Because, without him, we would be completely isolated.
- Your loved ones are emotional supports. They love you as you have been for a long time. They expect nothing from you except that you are happy. It is essential to keep these links and to pamper them.
- Your knowledge is openings to other horizons. The exchanges that you can have with them offer other visions of the world, other ideas, other projects … These people that we do not know enough to love them, but that we are discovering little by little, are the guarantors the many discoveries (except Doudou) that life offers you.
- Your colleagues are people with whom you share a space to which your guy does not have access. After an argument, it is not uncommon to feel work as a place to breathe, to be away from the object of tension, where (we said) you can gain some recognition.
Even the s**xiest arms in the world are worth nothing compared to this multitude of individuals to discover and love. Admittedly, Doudou’s friends are great. Surely you can share your social circle.
But allow yourself time without him, with these people. They will guarantee your freedom and the possibilities that life offers.
3. Make your own decisions
The couple requests a sum of common decisions ( place of life, decoration of the apartment, number of children… ). These decisions sometimes require compromises. In all cases, they cannot be taken unilaterally.
But, this is not a reason to no longer make a decision alone! When a man starts telling you how to dress, whether to go to the party ( or not ), who to go to ( or not ), how to behave in society, etc. Send it on the roses. Don’t give up.
Systematically relying on the other to make his own decisions is to deny your personality. We are ( in part ) the multitude of decisions we make. It ranges from the choice of clothing to political orientations.
To please the other, we can sometimes conform to the image of an “ideal woman” in his head. We have the feeling that if we are “only” us, the beloved man will turn to another closer to his Disney fantasies.
But let him turn away! The most important person in your life, the only one with whom you are sure to make it to the end, is you. You are the first person you should pamper, love, and ESPECIALLY respect.
When you love someone, you love them WITH their freedom. Doudou is a big boy, trust him, if he chose YOU, that’s what you are for, even if he doesn’t agree with everything.
4. Cultivate your passions
In other words, preciously converse your hobbies, your spaces outside the couple.
Certainly, a couple takes time and energy. It fills the space.
On Sunday morning, we quickly stayed sleeping with Doudou rather than doing our weekly trip to the market by bike. In the evening, we would prefer the romantic film than lock ourselves up with yet another book on Imperial China or geeker on SUH. Little by little, our least important hobbies will fall by the wayside for Doudou.
However, it is they who make the wealth of who you are. They are also the ones who offer spaces just for you, to find yourself, to return to the basics of what you like.
To give up all this for your couple is not only to give up a little, but it is also to speed up the couple’s routine.
On the one hand, there are lots of passions that you can share (if only through dialogue) with each other. On the other hand, the other loves you with the richness of your life.
Keeping one’s independence also means preserving what we love about life, whether or not these activities please the man we love. ( Besides, a non-dependent man will also have his passions and you can encourage each other to realize yourself through them. )
5. No longer fear breakage
OK. We are all dropouts and many couples do not pass the three years mark.
And? Do we have to hold onto each other like a rock mold? Do we have to repeat each day that Love can be lasting? What’s the point? We know it. Yes, it may not last.
It is statistically proven that a relationship is all the more durable that one does not live in fear that it will end.
Self-fulfilling prophecy, the more you imagine the rupture, the more you unconsciously provoke it. The human brain is conciliatory, it wants to prove us right. If you think he is going to leave, your brain will do whatever it takes to cause your behavior to leave.
To fear breakup is also to accept MUCH TOO much of the other: baseness, humiliation, deception. It is the biggest trap of emotional dependence, being ready to do anything for the other. Tell yourself that the suffering is not serious, since the executioner loves us.
All these sacrifices increase dependence. Since we have accepted too many things from the other, that we have already exceeded the limits of tolerance, we may well accept one more humiliation, we are not ready for that. And, the drift comes quickly.
A break hurts. OK, until then, we agree. But we survive it. All the more so when we haven’t given the other the opportunity to destroy us in the meantime.
We are responsible, by our too great conciliation of our place of the victim. Set your limits between acceptable and unacceptable and don’t change them. To accept everything from the other is no longer to love him.
To love is above all to confront oneself ( with its limits, faults, doubts, opinions, passions ) to ANOTHER ( with its limits, faults, doubts, opinions, passions ).
And you, what are the things you will NEVER give up for a guy?