Attached to what?… To whom?… For whom?… For what reasons?…
You fall for a chocolate cake in front of a pastry shop. You enter the bakery and the saleswoman announces that it is a chocolate cake with nuts (and we imagine that you are allergic to nuts). Are you still going to fall for this little pleasure?
Your ex seems perfect except that he is unfaithful and that your primordial values are loyalty and fidelity.
Are you really in love with him or do you project on him the fantasy of the perfect and faithful man?
Well, I grant you compare your ex to a chocolate cake, may seem a little short but to think about it, how do you know exactly, if you like or if you project your ideal to which you are attached ?
You might be able to think, that attachment is a projection of what you want or what you don’t want to let go, and love fills you with joy and happiness no matter what.
Attachment or love?
“I love to wear this dress, even if it doesn’t suit me perfectly. I keep these beautiful pants in my wardrobe which no longer suits me, but I want it because before I was beautiful in it. ”
In attachment we want our personal happiness (if you love me I am happy) in love we want the happiness of the other (if I love you I want your happiness).
I invite you to reflect on the different situations in your life as a couple and to understand if you are looking for your own happiness or that of the other. Reciprocal love is based on “I love you and I want your happiness” and not on “I use you to be happy”.
Let’s take an example :
Take Karine’s example! Her couple has been in conflict on a regular basis for two years. She accuses Pierre (rightly) of not taking care of herself and of privileging her work and her friends before her. She is unhappy.
But her husband Pierre tells him that he loves her but that he needs to invest in his work and relax with his friends. (obviously a pretext! if he loved her, he would hear her request and find a compromise to make her happy).
In this case, Pierre thinks of his personal happiness (attachment) and not of Karine’s happiness.
Another example ?
That of Laeticia. Rémi left him suddenly after ten years of living together and two children.
One morning, Rémi announces to Laeticia that he has met someone at his workplace and leaves to live with her.
Laeticia is wiped out! She is depressed for three months and decides to be accompanied. It goes through all the emotions (denial, anger, spirit of revenge, sadness, depression…).
And then she quietly resumes a taste for life. She realizes from that moment that Rémi no longer made her happy and that her couple was no longer up to her convictions.
She discovers that Rémi has given him a completely different face by his selfishness, other than the one she had projected on him. The veil is lifted, she cannot be in love with a disrespectful and cowardly man towards her.
And yet …
A few months go by and Rémi gives an appointment with Laeticia (his blonde dumped her!)
He makes him the perfect mister and plays seduction. He does not forget to tell her about their family life…
Laeticia lets herself be seduced (back to what she knows). Life resumes and a few weeks later, Rémi resumes his old habits.
Laeticia stays, she wants to believe in it and yet time passes and Rémi does not change!
Do you think Laeticia is:
Symptoms of attachment
Attachment makes you unhappy, it is full of fears. That of being hurt, losing what we know, losing our dreams.
Humans in general are afraid of the unknown and of change. Of course, some people have less significant fears than others about change.
You know why ? They simply trust each other in this area.
Can we summarize the love attachment by saying that if you are attached to a relationship and you stay there by being unhappy, it is because you lack self-confidence? (in this context of course).
You prefer to imagine staying or even the return of your “beloved” to keep ” this comfort ” that you know so well.
If I synthesize, it may look like this:
- Love = Happiness, joy (despite the vagaries of life)
- Attachment = unhappy, lack of fulfillment
The goal is not only to know if you are in love or attached to the relationship, but to know if this couple makes you or made you fully happy and fulfilled.
There are many types of romantic attachment, but only one of them is very healthy!