It is not always easy to recognize and admit that a romantic relationship is no longer satisfactory at all and that it probably comes to an end. However, it is better to open your eyes and face reality.
For the American coach and psychotherapist Jeffrey Bernstein, if we wonder what we do in this relationship, if we are overwhelmed by the fear of being alone while we are unhappy in a couple, it is likely that the relationship has lived. “Everyone lives and sees the end of their relationship according to their own criteria, but what is common to all relationships that come apart and end, is the feeling of disconnection with the other, it is also the feeling to have given everything, everything done to make it work, in vain. And then there is also the fact of no longer wanting the presence of the other, or even of being relieved, liberated in his absence in a lasting and permanent way ”, explains Anne-Marie Benoît, psychoanalyst.
For both therapists, if you recognize yourself in one or more of the paragraphs below, it would undoubtedly be useful for you to re-evaluate your relationship or to consider resorting to the help of a professional. “What is certain is that denial has never healed anything. On the contrary, it wastes time that could be used for reflection and action, ”says Anne-Marie Benoît.
Your relationship has drifted for a long time
Chronic, exhausting arguments, brutal outbursts, which leave you hurt, bitter, hopeless. Disconnected sexuality, either completely absent (no sign of sensuality, tenderness), or the couple’s only intimate language. In both cases, intimacy, empathy, complicity are no longer there. This tense, violent, toxic climate has been going on for a long time.
You have tried many times to make efforts, alone or in pairs, but quickly, the old scheme is installed. The reproaches, the accusations (always the same) rain, the situation seems hopeless. You know that this has nothing to do with the return to reality that follows the enchanting beginnings of the encounter.
You feel frustrated and unhappy
You tried. Desperately trying to give your partner a chance, your relationship. In vain. Your dominant feeling is twofold: frustration and sadness. Not to mention the anxiety, the exasperation that you feel very regularly.
You are also often angry with yourself, you blame yourself for wasting your time in a relationship that you feel and think it does nothing for you. The more you believed in it, the more your negative emotions were heightened. The more difficult it is for you to project yourself into the future.
Your tolerance level is very low
Everything in him (in her) irritates you, and/or vice versa. The slightest misstep, failure or error turns into an aggressive conflict. You even sometimes find it difficult to bear his presence, you make negative fixations on this or that aspect of his physique or his personality. You must make efforts to remember that one day, you were in love, admiring, seduced, by your partner.
You realize that the good times you are having are without him. Between an evening with your friends and a tête-à-tête, you don’t hesitate. This observation can make you sad but you cannot put a kind or tender glance on him.
You know nothing’s going right
Some disunions take place in hushed silence. No cry or open conflict comes to signal that something is wrong or that nothing is right. And yet, you feel that your relationship is no longer satisfactory, that intimacy has broken down, that the divergences of points of view and sometimes even, of values, are more numerous than the convergences. A distance has settled over time, making you feel stranger to each other, almost indifferent.
Family life may seem apparently satisfactory, stable, even reassuring, but the life of a couple, in its intimacy, is non-existent. Everyone seems to lead their life, their relationships, their hobbies, their habits. Even if verbal exchanges punctuate daily life, the heart, the soul of the relationship, seems empty. It is something that you feel deeply and that is sometimes difficult to put into words. Some do not risk it, moreover, fearing to be told that they cut their hair in quarters or are much too demanding.
You don’t plan for the future
In any case, not with your partner. Every day is enough his punishment you could say. No desire stimulates you, no project motivates you or makes you want to project yourself into the future with the other. Quite the contrary. You often find yourself projecting yourself into a bright, peaceful future.
You finally fantasize surrendered to yourself, to your fulfillment, to your real life. You can also project yourself with another person, build an ideal life in your imagination. In any case, the journey is made without the other.
You would not make the same choice
Forget the kids for a few minutes. Focus only on your partner. If it had to be done again, would you choose it again? If the answer is no, without hesitation, it is because you have indeed exhausted your development and patience capital in this relationship.
Try to think back to what appealed to you. The more superficial or narcissistic your arguments (physical, material situation, his crazy love for you …), the more you will have proof that your foundations were fragile.
Are you ready for anything to avoid breaking up?
No one is considering a break with a light heart. But the way of behaving so as not to include the word end in a love story differs from one personality to another. Thus, some are ready to move the mountains, even if it means leaving a few feathers while others refuse to lower themselves at the slightest compromise. And you, what are you capable of when you feel that the other escapes you?
