Love and sincerity are the essential ingredients in the life of a couple. “Indispensable” does not mean “sufficient”. No one is born a specialist in couples, like everything else, that we want to see grow and flourish, you have to invest time and effort.
There are a number of misconceptions circulating that only strengthen everyone’s ego without really teaching us what to do. Think happy couples don’t have conflicts?
They have them, like everyone else, with the difference that they know the pitfalls and know how to manage them constructively.
So what are the characteristics of these successful couples? Stay the course! Here is the first part of the series “Habits of happy couples”.
1 # Efforts
A couple does not talk alone. Its success depends on the effort and attention you give to it. You have to develop certain automatisms and build your communication know-how.
The inability of people to share what they are going through is a big challenge, even for those who love each other. It is one of the first sources of misunderstanding. You must pay special attention to it.
Do not wait for the other to try to get the glasses out of you, it is never pleasant and your arguments will be misinterpreted. Learn to be aware of what you are going through so that you can feel good about yourself and then share when you are calm and collected.
If your partner has trouble communicating, don’t blame him/her. Help him/her. Take responsibility for initiating the dialogue. Don’t come up with unwarranted assumptions or accusations. Instead, try to boost their self-esteem by highlighting their qualities and reminding them that you are there to listen, not to judge.
2 # Avoid answering “hot”
“Turn your tongue seven times in your mouth before speaking”. You don’t have to be in agreement all the time, and sometimes a good fight helps to set the record straight. That said, you don’t need to respond in a scathing way to defend yourself from attacks or to express your frustrations.
If you feel like you are getting carried away by your emotions, take a “break”! Calmly take back what your partner said and ask for each of them if that is really what he (she) meant. In this way, you filter out unwanted arguments and get your partner to think about their words. If you need more time to calm down, defer your response stating that you need to reflect on what was said, then come back to talk about it in the next 10 minutes.
Becoming an expert in defusing conflicts can be learned. I cannot recommend enough that you read “how to win friends and influence people” by Dale Carnegie.
3 # accept the change
Over the years, you think you know everything about the other: their preferences, their habits, their dreams… and then, here and there, they surprise you and express new aspirations. How do you react? Do you choose to disparage? (“But let’s see! You know you don’t like that“, ”I know you by heart“, ”but let it go! You don’t know yourself! or to support your partner?
For those who find it difficult to embrace change, remember that you are not that different – your unconscious aspirations mature and also evolve over time. You should always encourage your partner’s desire to progress. Of course, it is important to discuss your changes together to make sure that no one feels wronged and that it does not go against the general interest of the couple.
Take this opportunity to learn and grow yourself. Ask yourself the right questions, stay open and sincere with your partner, and above all honest with yourself.