“All you need is love”, sang the Beatles. Except that everyone knows that the success of a relationship can sometimes be very complicated, even if you love each other with sincere love. And if the classic scenarios of failure or success are similar from one couple to another, it is not by chance. Indeed, according to the theory of the British psychiatrist John Bowlby developed in the late 1970s, there are four major forms of attachment specific to each personality that determine our attitude within the couple. So what category do you fall into?
1- You feel safe
If you are not one to worry and ask yourself existential questions about your relationship every four mornings, you are probably among the people who feel safe in their relationship. When this feeling is shared by both partners, it generally means that the relationship is healthy, that is to say that you trust each other and that you are not afraid to express your emotions and the feelings that you experience each other. Well, of course, that doesn’t mean that you are safe from some arguments and that you no longer have to worry about the good health of your relationship. However, this does indicate a certain disposition to build a healthy and lasting relationship. And it must be recognized that
2- You are anxious about being left
When you start a relationship and get attached to the person, you can’t help but ask yourself all kinds of questions: how long will he stay before he leaves me? Deep down, does he really want to be with me? Legitimate in some cases, this anxiety can also arise in the context of a relationship that has lasted for years, with a partner who does not feel all these fears. In this case, constantly asking your other half to reassure you can cause a wear effect and, in the long run, keep him away from you.
To get out of this vicious circle, it may be wise to try to identify the reasons for the fear of such abandonment and communicate them to your partner. The more you explain to him (calmly and without accusing him of anything) why you feel like this, the more he will be able to understand you and be patient with you.
3- You are detached
Living a love story, no problem. But only on condition that it does not infringe on your independence. So it’s not easy to maintain a relationship, especially if your other half sees things differently. Of course, it is always possible to find a compromise. Some couples, for example, decide to live in their apartment each (when their financial means allow) to maintain harmony within their couple .
4- You are phobic of commitment
And then there are those who cannot bear to be alone, but paradoxically have a blue fear of getting involved . These people are not easy to follow, because in the case where it is the other who leaves them, they feel deeply rejected and it is difficult to digest the rupture. But if the partner invests too much in their life, it will be their turn to take their legs around their necks. This headlong rush often reflects a deep fear of suffering.
If you recognize yourself in one of these last three criteria, don’t panic. The important thing is to take stock in order to understand why you are doing this and to work on it. Asking for help and finding support from loved ones or a specialist can be very helpful.