Everyone has asked this question at least once in their life. Today I want to give you some leads so that you can answer this question…
1. How to identify if your couple relationship is toxic?
But think about it … how long has this situation been going on? Too long you know it.
There are situations where you have to know how to choose yourself before choosing the other one. You do not have the responsibility for the happiness of the other if this one is not in agreement with him even. I know you would do everything for him, for your relationship: because you sincerely love him. However, you are suffering, this relationship does not make you completely fulfilled. Remember, how often do you quarrel with your spouse per week? Everyday. How many tears have flowed since your meeting? Yes, almost daily is already too much. How long has it been since you fell asleep quickly, and peacefully? You don’t even remember the last time. So it’s up to you to take stock and above all, to undertake work on yourself and on your couple.
Your goal is to try to identify in which relational schema your couple is anchored. Once identified, this will allow you to act. Join your courage and your last strength to change this pattern which obviously … does not make you (or more) happy. Where to start ? I will help you, I will guide you. Start by loving yourself almost as much as you love your spouse. Gain confidence in yourself to finally realize what you deserve. You deserve to be loved for your true worth and for your fears to be listened to. Then, here are some existing patterns allowing you to identify yourself with one of them:
- Affective dependence
Manifestations: your spouse makes you feel guilty when you take the time for yourself, he does not leave you much time alone, he resents you when you do not want to accompany him somewhere.
- Paradoxical communication
Manifestations: your spouse leaves you the choice apparently. When you make a choice, he blames you for not having made the other possible choice. Communication is very difficult, you are often forced to meet their expectations.
- Flee me I follow you, follow me I flee you
Manifestations: the relationship is not stable yet it is intense. You and your partner are out of sync. As soon as one is very much in love, the other flees and seems indifferent.
Whatever the patterns that seem to correspond to you, it is important to talk about them, to be advised to start your relationship on a healthy and happy basis.
2. Have the strength to change your situation
Do you feel like you are transparent? May the people you love not notice you? But stop. You CAN change things.
And finally, doesn’t the look we have of ourselves define the look that others have on us? Do not try to change the other, rather change the vision you have of yourself. This little guide to self-confidence gives you the keys to seduce YOU before wanting to seduce the other. And finally, get to meet the person who really suits you, who you deserve, with whom you can trust.
Step by step, move towards change by following this guide:
- Strengthen your self-esteem, it will help you better understand your emotions. Manage your emotions and don’t let your emotions manage you. Thanks to this, you will be more in control of your choices and will appear more sure of yourself.
What the other will see: a reliable, secure, stable and protective person.
- Change the way you communicate with yourself: talk about yourself positively, take the time to observe yourself in the mirror, and take the time to feel attractive. Who said that shopping was not therapeutic?
What the other will see: a person who knows how to take care of himself, and will therefore be able to take care of others.
- Take initiatives. How long have you been registered in the gym without going there? Yes I know, that’s the angry question. But let’s start there, it’s a good start. Motivate yourself, and carry out the projects of your dreams, it will make you proud.
What the other will see: a person who keeps his words, who has principles and who knows how to invest in the long term… including in a couple relationship.
- Know your qualities. Or rather should I say: know your qualities? It’s up to you to look for them, and put them in value.
What the other will see: stars, fireworks, butterflies in the belly … I think you have already seduced her.
So, do you also think that lack of self-confidence can be a hindrance in your relationships? Are you ready to change to fix it? I know it’s not easy … that’s why I’m here to support you, don’t hesitate to contact me.
3. Break the prejudices of the “perfect” couple
Doubts, insecurity, fear of the future.
Is that how you feel when you think about the current situation of your couple?
But who said you should give up?
We are always presented with love as an obviously linear phenomenon … Love can indeed seem like that in moments of happiness, but what about it? Difficult times are also part of love, true. Crises, disputes, doubts are ultimately part of love and even allow it to be strengthened! If during these difficult and interminable moments, you have the will to get out of it, it’s already a giant step! Think of the moments of happiness, how you were fulfilled, think of what your couple has already gone through so far. Once the arguments and doubts are behind you, your couple will come out of it growing up. The whole thing is to have confidence in yourself, in your couple, and accept the difficulties to face it. You are not alone, you are not alone.
4. Communicate your fears effectively
I’m afraid of suffering. I’m afraid of hurting him. But I don’t want to lose this person. I’m lost.”
I bet the sentence speaks to many of you. Yet you cannot imagine how easy it can be to get out of this situation.
We will not hide it, there are certain concerns that we dare not communicate to the other for fear of hurting him! We have the will to preserve the people we love, it’s natural, of course. But yet we feel a lack of proximity, a lack of tenderness, a lack of attention. You certainly hope that this lack will pass over time so you prefer not to talk about it.
- But ultimately, isn’t that a big mistake?
- Don’t you want the person you love to tell you when there is a problem?
Personally I prefer to know how my spouse feels in our relationship, even if it can hurt me!
- Isn’t communication the key to your anxiety and your ill-being?
Talking is not easy, it takes conscious effort. But the other may be able to reassure you in a way that you wouldn’t even imagine. The other may also feel a lack that he dared not share with you.
- But if you don’t communicate your doubts, your fears, your anxieties, how could you have known?
Communicating is learned, and it is learned with the other. Communicating, it seems simple as a word ah yes? Yet remember things that we did not dare to tell you for fear of hurting you, remember the times when he did not dare to dig the bottom of the problem. We learn grammar, we learn lexicon, we learn syntax but what does he really know how to communicate?
I think some men would need to learn to communicate. Learn not to hurt others with their words, learn to respect women by their actions.
This text is for you, yes for you. Who has already been betrayed, who was left without a word, without any explanation.
For 2020 I would like him to respect you a little more, I would like him to be kind to you and your family, I would like him to give you an explanation of why and how of his actions.
He claims to be a man however he is not able to be honest, sincere and sensitive. We must kill this myth which says that men have no right to cry. Kill the idea that men seem “weak” when they talk about their feelings.
You need him to open up to you, to share his feelings, his feelings, his life!
The worst part is that he finds excuses, saying that he has been betrayed far too much to trust and indulge. You don’t have to question yourself, that’s the problem. He is the one who should change his behavior so that he is worthy of you giving him your love and trust. You have no super power: even if he blames you for not reacting as he would have liked, remember that you do not have the power to know what he thinks, what he wants, what ‘he feels. So he can’t blame you. So he can’t blame you for anything since he hasn’t been clear, honest. By clear I mean, clear with words, not with innuendo. It’s so easy to delegate the blame on the other when you dare not take responsibility. Do not doubt yourself you are there for nothing.
5. Love yourself before you love others
My childhood friend told me about these couple problems this afternoon. First of all it surprised me, they represent in the eyes of all the perfect relationship, with perfect love. Then then, when my friend explained to me the why of the how… I understood.
Here is the situation briefly: everything was fine until the day her husband became depressed. Unfortunately, this kind of illness spares no one, not even a strong couple.
Followed by long arguments caused by the sudden change of mood of sir. Then a lot of misunderstandings and unspoken. Little by little the couple spent less and less time together.
A few years later, there was a break in their relationship: the gentleman is in remission, their complicity is gradually returning, their relationship is almost as before. I say “almost”. My friend does not know how to go from thinning to full sun, in other words: how to remedy the situation. Because now, they have everything to become happy again.
They tried everything together: communicating, bouquet of flowers, long candlelit meal, sweet words, improvised weekends… Nothing worked.
When she tells me her story, one thing strikes me from the outside: but do you trust yourself? Could it be that during all this suffering period you would not have abandoned yourself for the other?
I wonder, because I know that for the people we love we would do anything. I think you got lost in the process, and so much you wanted to do everything to make your husband smile again, you forgot what made you a person with his own identity, his desires, his need to feel pretty.
6. The different phases of the couple
Wondering if your couple’s functioning is “normal”? Then this text is made for you.
Love as we imagine it and as it is told to us:
Fireworks, glitter, certainty, butterflies in the belly every day, each s… intercourse is unique and awe-inspiring, unconditional lack as soon as the other leaves to seek bread, permanent agreement even on the education of children, s… intercourse in at least 4 times a week, intense joy, fusion…
Does that sound false to you too?
I will explain to you why:
Love evolves, love is felt differently depending on the person, everything is perpetual movement. It is cyclical for the simple reason that love is made up of three main phases:
- Phase 1: The illusion of the other. After this meeting, this crush, the beginning of this new relationship, your minds get to know each other, your bodies learn to mix. So far so good. So much that you idealize the other, it seems perfect to you, it makes you dream.
- Phase 2: Derealization. The passionate phase has passed, everyday life and reality are interfering. You go to the obvious: yes ok it has some faults. The first disputes and the first disagreements arrive.
- Phase 3: It is true love, however imperfect it may be. This is where it all comes down to, where you make an informed choice about “is this the right person for me?”, “Could I see a happy future with you?”.
And … you choose to be together anyway. Despite your respective flaws, despite the fact that it does not ultimately represent the man you had fantasized about.
This is why love is so complicated, so unpredictable and so changeable …
To help you see more clearly, I suggest that you list all the qualities that seem essential to you in a couple relationship and with your ideal partner. Then you can list all the qualities that your spouse represents, as well as your relationship. Once these two lists are made, you can compare them. It’s about comparing your expectations to your reality.
Are there essential things missing? If so, are they compensated by things that you weren’t expecting but that still fills you up?
This technique will allow you to take stock, refocus on your priorities and calm your anxieties.
Last thing … don’t forget to let go from time to time. Control is not the solution to your anxieties, you must learn to listen to yourself in good times as in bad. Relationships are not linear, perfect, and crystal clear.
Let yourself be carried away by your feelings.
7. Fear of commitment
How to live with someone who does not assume?
Disappointment when your spouse makes promises to you without realizing them.
Afraid when he tells you that you may not be the one he needs.
Anger when he refuses to introduce you to his family.
Sadness when he refuses to take your hand in public.
Do you share these emotions?
I can still cite many other emotions that define you. Frustration, anxiety, hate, loneliness, jealousy …
Because yes I know what you’re going through, it’s painful. Being in a relationship with someone who is afraid of commitment puts you in a climate of daily fear, insecurity, and perpetual disappointment.
I would be lying to you if I told you that I have a miracle recipe so that he can finally get involved.
Don’t worry, I can still help you.
Here are some tips that will help you see more clearly:
- Think if you see a possibility of short-term development with the current situation of your couple
- Ask yourself how long has this situation been going on
- List your desires in the medium and long term, could your spouse achieve them with you despite his fear of commitment?
- List the negative feelings you have most often.
All these small actions will allow you to become aware of your emotions. Your discomfort may be more intense than you would have imagined. It may be more urgent to preserve yourself than to keep hoping. Your reality is gradually moving away from what you wanted …
It may be time to choose yourself and not to choose the other to move forward.
Stop… I can already hear you saying to me “it will change”, “it will make efforts”…
No. you deserve to be sure of yourself, you deserve to be made happy and fulfilled.
When you still feel this heavy feeling of disappointment, resentment, towards your spouse, towards your relationship, do not hesitate to read these few lines. Maybe they will help you finally get what you hope for, what you deserve.
Here … You have all the keys in hand to answer this famous question. One essential thing remains for you to learn: your limits, your desires, knowing yourself really. To be able to love others in a healthy way but above all to be loved as you deserve.
Good luck. I’m sure you will get there.