Today we are going to talk about problems in relationships. More precisely on how to forgive an infidelity. Is it possible to forgive and forget? When and when should we not do it? What are the pros and cons of forgiving a cheat? How can I get over it?
An important aspect to keep in mind is that infidelity is a fact that occurs in secret. Therefore, it implies the betrayal of your partner towards you and towards the commitment that they have created when establishing their relationship. Just because there is a commitment involved does not necessarily mean that people must be married.
The simple fact of beginning a serious relationship with someone implies the commitment of both parties to be faithful and to respect each other. Infidelity is a betrayal that completely breaks the trust that there is.
Trust and communication are one of the most important pillars that a serious and stable relationship should have. After this type of betrayal, the person who has been unfaithful causes a deep wound towards his partner, damaging his self – esteem considerably.
As a consequence, the “aggrieved” must be exposed to forgive everything that happened , regardless of whether they want to restore their relationship or not. Otherwise, you will not be able to have a healthy relationship again in the future.
The truth is that very few couples manage to overcome a 100% infidelity. Most of them generally end up having a bad future experience. However, despite that, people continue to think about forgiving their partners for betrayal.
If this is your case and you want to know how to overcome infidelity in a relationship, keep reading this article. Next, we bring you all the answers you need.
Why does infidelity occur in a couple?
There are hundreds of factors or causes that lead to infidelity in a couple. However, in most cases, the main reasons that lead to betrayal in a relationship (marriages and courtships) are the following:
- Lack of maturity, responsibility and vision of the future, which does not allow to measure the consequences of their actions.
- Need to have an emotional attachment and intimacy with another person who is not your partner.
- Need to feel cute, wanted, special, and low self-esteem.
- Spending too many hours a day with a person of the opposite gender.
- Spending a lot of time in a one-on-one relationship with a person who is not your partner.
- Feeling distant or out of step with your partner.
- Being in any situation that offers the opportunity to be unfaithful or those that involve alcohol and drugs.
- The need to experience new things.
- Feeling bored and / or lonely in a relationship.
- Desire to play with the forbidden and get out of the monotony of marriage or courtship.
- Seeking revenge for multiple reasons through infidelity.
- Take advantage of the naivety and trust of their partners.
- Friends and family who encourage your partner to be unfaithful.
- To get something in return, such as a job promotion, money, etc.
As you can see, there are many causes that lead to the betrayal of a partner. That is why, as we told you at the beginning, that in order to forgive an infidelity in a relationship we must take into account what the reasons were.
How to act in the face of infidelity
Nobody knows how to act when faced with an infidelity, it is something that usually comes as a surprise to us and leaves us stunned. But if you have enough maturity, this situation can be handled in a much more gentle way.
The most important thing is to talk about what happened, you should never come to the discussion and let yourself be carried away by the feelings, since it will only make everything worse. By being more mature and calculating we will be able to see the problem in the face and remove it immediately from the root.
There are always couple relationships in which love prevails over problems and can be forgiven in love. Although this rarely happens, it is very possible because relationships are becoming a little more open today.
How to forgive infidelity in a relationship
As we told you at the beginning, regardless of whether you want to continue with your partner after an infidelity, it is necessary to forgive .
There are many misconceptions about forgiveness , such as:
- It is synonymous with forgetting what happened: it is impossible to forget what happened. Every time we learn something, it is forever etched in our memory. We must remember it in a way that does not harm us.
- It means that there will be a reconciliation : the fact that we forgive does not necessarily mean getting back together and reaching new commitments with your partner.
- We are minimizing what happened: no, forgiving does not mean detracting from the infidelity. Quite the opposite.
- It is a sign of weakness and lack of self-esteem: if we really love each other, we must learn to forgive. Otherwise, we can never get over it and our future relationships will not be healthy.
During the process of forgiving infidelity in a relationship, it is necessary to change almost all of our attitudes, thoughts and behaviors.
Forgiving is a long and complex process. It will take an indefinite time, as it will depend on the desire you have to do it, your self-determination and your commitment to yourself.
The first step to being able to forgive an infidelity will be to recognize the damage that your partner’s betrayal has caused you. To do this, you need to be honest with yourself and not try to minimize what happened. Hug yourself and hug your pain and anger in order to heal.
Only in this way, it will be possible to attribute external responsibilities (which go beyond the person involved), unstable (variable) and specific (specific and specific).
Once you have been able to identify and attribute these responsibilities, you will be able to understand what were the circumstances in which the infidelity took place. From this, it will be possible to forgive the internal attributions (character of the unfaithful person), the stable and the global ones that generally are the ones that make forgiveness difficult.
The second step is to be interested in forgiving what happened. Only if we are willing to do it and focus on it will we succeed.
The third step involves being able to let go of destructive behaviors. By trying to get revenge on the person who has been unfaithful to us, we are only hurting ourselves.
Finally, the fourth step is to establish self-protection measures . With this we want to tell you that you should keep in mind that there are no certainties or something concrete that guarantees that it will not happen again in the future.
If you have decided to continue your relationship despite the betrayal, you should not have “blind faith in the other.” Nor should we fall into excessive control, because you will only begin to develop a jealous and destructive behavior towards yourself.
Is it possible to forgive an infidelity and trust again?
This is more of a rhetorical question, as it will always be better not to stay in the relationship. Regardless of how it was or what the reasons were that led to it, the severity of the betrayal is the same.
No matter how the infidelity happens, what really ends the relationship is the betrayal of trust and the lies that this entails . In addition, the damage it causes to the “aggrieved” person is very great and sometimes traumatic.
In 100% of cases, after forgiving an infidelity , the affected person ends up suffering from infidelity anxiety . This means that, when trust is broken, the person stops believing completely in their partner and arguments are caused daily because of this.
It also happens that 100% of the time whoever was unfaithful ends up doing it again , and the affected couple ends up forgiving repeated infidelities. A very common situation that always ends up ending the relationship. In the worst case, you would end up living a horrible toxic relationship with a lot of violence, whether verbal or physical.
That is why the most advisable thing will always be to end the relationship and for each individual to continue in the search for a better love. This is really an act of mental maturity, something that will make you grow as people and bring you good lessons to apply in other relationships.
One will learn to value a good partner more and the other will better choose his next suitors. Something that should always be present in any of these situations is forgiveness, as it will allow both people to overcome the breakup.
Aspects to consider to forgive an infidelity
As we told you at the beginning, when an infidelity occurs, trust is lost and this is the most important thing in a relationship. Well, on this value the pillar that sustains all good relationships is built.
Gaining someone’s trust is not always an easy task. Sometimes it takes hard work for your partner to have blind faith in you. However, it only takes seconds to lose it. And once it’s lost, getting it back will be nearly impossible.
This is because, finding out about an infidelity results in a very stressful and traumatic psychological situation, something very difficult for anyone. This causes a complete loss of confidence and security, therefore, in every situation there will always be the certainty that it is due to deception.
After an infidelity, the most likely thing is that the relationship will fracture , leaving only two options: continue or end the relationship. But whether you continue with the relationship or not, forgiveness is a fundamental fact that must be present in every decision.
Although the question is not how to forgive your partner, it is when to do it, because it must go through a healing process. This is the best way to forgive, healing your spirit, never feel guilty for a mistake that someone else made.
Forgiveness is a healing process that should not be overlooked. Otherwise, you won’t be able to feel at peace with yourself. All this makes us wonder: Are there really reasons to forgive infidelity?
The truth is that yes, there are thousands of reasons to forgive an infidelity, although none of these include the preservation of the relationship. Or at least in a healthy way for both parties, without falling into excessive control and jealousy.
Many people cling to forgiving and forgetting, but when it is infidelity this is very difficult to do and takes time. As we told you before, forgiving does not mean forgetting, but quite the opposite.
Degree of infidelity
One of the aspects that you should take into account if you decide to continue with your relationship is the degree of infidelity. Analyze if it was a temporary event, something specific or if it is a relationship with another person that lasted several months.
In addition, to be able to protect yourself against new future events you must take into account the probabilities. Is there a chance that it will happen again if you decide to go back with your partner?
Type of infidelity
An infidelity begins long before the fact is finalized and carried out. The simple fact of having the desire to do it, looking at or talking to another person with an attractive tone or desire that is not your partner implies a betrayal.
Reasons for infidelity
In order to forgive an infidelity in a relationship, it is important to take into account what were the reasons that led the other person to betray you. Think about whether you were going through a difficult situation at that time.
Was there a chance to talk about the problems they had before the infidelity took place? Are you able to compensate for the lack of love in your partner? Can you trust your partner again?
If you decide to continue with your relationship despite the infidelity, it is essential that both parties commit to overcome it . If one of the two parties does not try, the relationship will most likely fail again.
Your feelings for the other person
Last but not least to keep in mind are the feelings you have towards your partner. Not all people face the same problem in the same way.
The way in which you can overcome it will depend on the degree of maturity you have to carry out a healthy relationship. In addition, the love you have for yourself and your partner will depend on whether or not you can overcome this difficult situation.
Think coldly what is at stake in your relationship. Do you share the same job? they live together? Do they have children in common? How do you want to continue the life projects you shared together or apart?
Tips to overcome an infidelity
If you have decided to forgive an infidelity in your relationship, it is important to be able to overcome this crisis in a mature way. Otherwise, you will end up becoming a toxic and self-destructive partner.
To do this, it is important that you accept the fact that your partner has been unfaithful to you. Denying it or avoiding the problem will only help you in the moment, but the pain will never go away. In addition, as we told you in the previous section, it is important that both parties commit.
One piece of advice to be able to overcome an infidelity in a mature way can be to attend couples therapy . Yes, many people find therapy tedious. However, it is the best way to regain your relationship in a mature and rewarding way.
Unlike what many believe about couples therapy, you will not always attend the session with your spouse. Throughout the process, some sessions will alternate individually. Many professionals say that most couples who do so can overcome this obstacle.
Infidelity in a relationship is a painful and traumatic event. To overcome it, you need to vent and not keep anything inside. Scream, cry and say what you feel, either verbally or in writing.
Another advice we can give you to overcome and forgive infidelity in a relationship is that both of you focus on improving your communication. In this way, the two of you will be able to understand a little better what it is that you feel and support each other to be able to overcome it.
What are the behaviors of a person when they discover an infidelity?
Most people who have been unfaithful have a similar behavior after their partner discovers their infidelity.
It is possible to notice: changes in their way of acting, avoids all kinds of conversations, looks for excuses to avoid intimate contact, is irascible, offers too much attention and is insecure. Next, we will explain it to you point by point.
The behavior changes in a person who has discovered an infidelity are notorious. Generally, it is not possible to relate it to anything, since apparently everything remains the same.
Even though you start to worry about his change in attitude and ask him about it, your partner ignores it. He affirms that nothing bad is happening and denies that it has changed.
For example, they may be short-tempered or make excuses frequently. All in order to spend time alone and away from you.
Most people avoid conversations about topics that make them uncomfortable. We usually do it with the silly idea that it is best to avoid conflict.
Most likely, if you have discovered an infidelity or have doubts about it, you want to talk about it with your partner to find out the truth. Your partner’s response will almost always be to deny it and quickly avoid the topic.
In these cases, he looks for a way to run away or becomes tense in the face of a situation that makes him uncomfortable and leaves him in a bad way.
Offer lots of attention
Another of the classic behaviors of a person who has been discovered an infidelity is offering too much attention to his partner. It is usually due to two reasons: either he feels guilty or he wants to distract you so you don’t continue to think that he is unfaithful.
Suddenly he begins to cook your favorite dish, takes you on a trip to your dream place or is too aware of you.
Hide the mobile
Here we must pay attention to whether hiding the phone has always been an attitude or not. Well, there are many people who keep their privacy as something sacred. Therefore, they have never left their mobile on the table or on someone’s cist.
If your partner normally left his mobile on the table, opened his messages in front of you, asked you to reply to a message because he was busy or even lend it to you, be careful. In these cases it is likely that something is hiding
What happens after an infidelity is forgiven?
If you have forgiven an infidelity in a relationship and have decided to continue with it, it is most likely that it will happen again. This is so because most unfaithful people are immature and irresponsible.
In addition, another of the characteristics that is almost always present in their low self-esteem and the need to feel desired all the time . One way to do this is by trying to have physical encounters with other people who are not your partner to see if they are “still attractive.”
But that’s not all, because an unfaithful person does not have the ability to have a vision towards the future. Generally, they get carried away with the moment and do not take into account all that they can lose by doing so.
This leads them to act irresponsibly without weighing the consequences . They do not care or cannot see that they are putting a family at stake, a life project. Much less do they take into account the pain that it can cause to the person they say they love.
Therefore, continuing with a person who has been unfaithful to you is one of the worst mistakes you can make . Well, nothing guarantees that it will not happen again in the future. As a consequence, it will be almost impossible to regain confidence and anxiety will end up winning you.
The end result almost always ends in an unhealthy relationship. Well, the damage that infidelity causes will cause you low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, excessive jealousy and the need to control and know everything.
So far we come with this article on how to forgive infidelity in a relationship . We hope that it has been useful to you and that you can put into practice all the tips that we have shared with you.