How to keep the passion in a couple? This is a very big question that deserves reflection!
Since the dawn of time, we sublimate passion, we pour out on the strength and the confusion of feelings and we ask ourselves the same eternal questions: how to reconcile tenderness and passion? How to keep the excitement, the enjoyment, the pleasure, the sublimation in a relationship that takes place over time? Between the complicity and the burning desire of the other, there are so many nuances…
How to keep the passion in a couple?
Combining intensity and couple life
How to combine intensity and long-term couple life?
Our love life can potentially be a succession of lightning strikes and dizzying falls. Is it a matter of endlessly repeating the scheme: ” I discover you, I want you, I know you, I get tired of you and I’m going away “? Or we try another way: ” And if we discovered again and again” Going from ‘I’ to ‘we’, from ‘we’ to ‘I’, these round trips to constantly reinvent yourself. I like the idea that nothing is frozen. I need to feel that all options remain open to live a real choice and not a situation where habits dominate. What maintains the strength of feelings, in my opinion, is not to live with blinders in relation to the outside world, it is, on the contrary, to stay curious, to cultivate other emotional ties – why not “loving friendships” “! – to nourish his personal interests and passions, to keep our garden secret. It is by being confronted with others that you can realize what the other has for you, right ?!
The secret garden…
This is the most subtle thing that is in our busy lives, this interstice, this preserved space, this ‘territory’ which belongs only to you, which sometimes even conceals from yourself, which you think you hold and which actually escapes you too. Poetry and music opened the doors of this garden to me, made me glimpse what is hidden between the lines, between thoughts, between words, which is of the order of the imaginary and the lived at a time.
I have chosen here these lines from Robert Desnos which resonated with me when I was a teenager:
” If you only knew how I love you and, although you don’t love me, how happy I am, how robust and proud I am, going out with your image in mind, out of the universe.”
How happy I am to die of it.
If you only knew how the world is subject to me.
And you, beautiful rebellious too, as you are my prisoner.
O you, far from me, to whom I am subject.
If you knew. “
Don’t forget yourself completely
“If you knew …” Precisely, the other does not know certain things and may never know them, any more than we do, we do not ‘know’ everything, a toy that we are often of our unconscious, of our fantasies and our dreams. Love is the greatest space of freedom there is and does not accommodate any feeling of possession. Our feelings are all in nuances, we pass successively through the different degrees between ardor and coldness, the desire to get closer and that to distance us. We desire, sublimate the other, and flee from it at the same time. If the person we love knew … But she too would surprise us by revealing her secret garden! This is all the salt of a love story, we can live together for years and yet preserve a part of the unknown, it is anyway impossible to ‘reveal’ completely!
In all my love relationships, I oscillate between two extremes:
the desire to be totally present to the other, while listening and sharing, and the need to remain anchored in me. Can we really ‘dive’ entirely into a relationship, forget ourselves completely? It seems to me that we always keep a foot on our own territory, that this is how we can love the best, being in our own alignment. I don’t see how we can love others if we don’t love ourselves and at the same time I don’t see how we can love others without putting ourselves in their place and therefore forgetting ourselves… love is an incessant movement between oneself and the others, we are constantly interconnected, whether we like it or not… The secret to feeling good to two? Without a doubt, in my opinion, it is first of all feeling in good company with yourself!
I have often asked myself the question of whether I was made to live as a couple.
I cannot imagine life without sharing, and at the same time, I like to be alone. Loneliness does not weigh on me because I feel constantly accompanied by those I love. It is undoubtedly for that that I appreciate so much to be regularly in front of myself, that allows me to find my serenity. Oh, I dare say it, I have a visceral need to have a royal peace regularly! I need calm in myself and around me, maybe it is because I have experienced many storms! But if living together is sometimes difficult for me …! Living without my man seems impossible to me!
Inevitably, certain moments of everyday life tarnish the lives of two. How many times have I not told myself that it would have been better for me to manage certain situations alone rather than to impose my moods, my moods and my anxiety on the one who shares my life. And at the same time what is more brilliant than to vibrate in unison ?!
Living with two is constantly confronting yourself. I think that life as a couple can make it possible to become fully self. Living as a couple means meeting otherness, that of our partner of course, but also our own share of the unknown. We are also ‘other’ and our companion is often the best channel to discover our different facets. It is very tempting to hide from all eyes, but to be alone is also to face our own judgment which can sometimes be much more difficult to live than that of the other … Tensions and conflicts are so revealing, they put so much in light our gray areas. Either we deny them, or we look them straight in the face. We should even be able to enjoy experiencing a conflict together because it provides an opportunity to put an end to chronic behavior or dissatisfaction. What an evolution when a confrontation, instead of putting us in a murderous mood, gives us a smile!
Let us abandon the decoy that the life of a couple must always be thrilling, without however falling into a relationship that no longer has any flavor!
We simplify our lives a lot when we stop having excessive expectations, when we stop putting all kinds of fantasies on our couple. How many of my friends have gone astray hoping that their romantic duo will fill all their gaps. My generation has known disillusions, painful separations, families of multiple times blended. I have the feeling today that everyone is seeking to live a constantly renewed commitment, which is based on more kindness, first of all towards oneself.
Living as a couple, is leaving the territory of passion?
I believe that if a couple lasts, it is thanks to an ‘exciting’ start. Although … the beginnings of a story are not necessarily the best moments! We turn around, we watch each other, we worry, we dare not be completely self … By knowing each other better, we stop the game of appearances, we leave superficiality, we go beyond seduction, there is more calculation, just the desire to cherish his relationship with the other, we can then experience the deep joy of living together. The more time passes, the more we have shared things together, the more there is a connection – almost supernatural – between two beings, this impression of being connected in any place and any time, also the fact that you already know in advance what the other will say or do. This is what makes some couples get tired of their relationship because everything seems too predictable, unless … precisely there is a process of evolution by the very fact of being in a relationship.
A love story is like a conversation that goes on forever …
Hence the importance of having enough common interests. But also to have enough differences to fuel the discussion! It is a subtle balance between convergence and divergence, a balance between what connects us and what differentiates us. With my lover, we represent an almost perfect model of complementarity! We each have a personality that both “marries” that of the other and completes it. We bring each other what is lacking. It is not a question of merging into each other, as a fusional couple would do – which is a far cry from our relationship! – but to form together a more complete personality. We sometimes collide with each other, hence the need to round off the angles, but far from me the idea that it is necessary to erase the “roughness” and the reliefs of a relationship, two people who s agree perfectly would end up forming only one, let’s rather assume to be two well-differentiated beings!
Accept the other as he is
Life with others begins with life with only one other… Advocating great values of solidarity, tolerance and equality when you are not able to reach an agreement between two, it is contradictory! It seems to me that so many things are playing out in our intimate sphere: if I consider my partner as completely separate from me, if I constantly try to differentiate myself from what he is, what he thinks or does, if I have the feeling that I have to ‘fight’ the other to exist, it is the royal way for a rupture… Now, from rupture to rupture, we find that living with anyone, even a dear sister or brother, even his best friend or a complete stranger, we always come to the same question: how to accept the other as he is, accept the ‘faults’ of his qualities. If we flow into the relationship, if we become united to each other, if we consider that “one is the other”, what a good basis for all our relationships! For our connection to the whole world!
With my sweetheart, I no longer thought in terms of “this must stop! »When we encountered a difficulty but« how to manage it? “
When we feel that our relationship is just, that it is beautiful because obvious, touching because vibrant, and that despite the moments of big anger or disappointment, there is enough spring behind us to bounce back together, then we can completely to let go in a relationship and it’s really good! In our life as a couple, there have been delicate stages to overcome. There was the stage where I was too child and suddenly my companion too parent towards me … How many couples where one needs the other too much, where one rests too much on the other, where one ends up being dominated by the other. There was the stage of ‘real’ dialogue, of frank and open communication, quite a step!
And finally there is the stage where we stop getting worked up for things that are not essential, we are still there!
How do you find the balance between wanting it to work – even when it’s very painful on certain days! – and the need to remain yourself, to feel respected, also adulated from time to time ?! It seems to me that the answer is the middle way: independence without falling into indifference, links that unite us without suffocating us, the vision of a bright future without the fear of passing clouds. Go from “everyone for themselves” to “together for us”!
The couple is the permanent test of self-esteem, because we allow ourselves to say things that we would not say to anyone else!
Living as a couple has allowed me to overcome ill-placed pride and pride, to no longer be destabilized at the slightest reproach – to the point that I can even add a layer! It taught me to listen to the other while making myself heard. When we know what we are worth, when we feel solid internally, the relationship strengthens our personality. Recognize the qualities of the person with whom you share your life, without feeling devalued – or annoyed! – not to have them, to be able not to systematically judge the other, not to identify each of its contradictions, inconsistencies, meanness – being aware that we have just as much… – it is to go beyond the ego, and hold, just for that, it is worth trying the adventure, right?
What about desire?
What about desire? “The more I see you, the more I want you”? It’s so good to ‘curl up’… to groove together, on John Legend’s Slow Dance for example! Ah, this sacred John!
Forget about the world
Im groovin with my girl
Forget about the news
Lets put on our dancing shoes
Let’s not talk about the war
Do we know what they fighting for
I suggest that we go to the floor and we slow dance!
How we need to reassure ourselves about our ability to seduce and please!
We are often more interested in the effect we have on the other than on the other himself… Stendhal distinguished between passionate love, physical love, and love of vanity … It is true that we often confuse self-esteem and just love… I would add “spiritual love” because sensuality, the communion of bodies, does not exclude the communion of the soul and the spirit that is mine so dear…
We inevitably go through moments of floating, periods of questioning.
It is not an ascending straight line, you may feel more vulnerable at times. I believe that as long as the couple feeds – more than it destroys itself – the difficulties it is going through, it remains a magnificent adventure. The danger does not come from disagreements, but from the reaction, we adopt towards them: rather than denying them, it is a matter of living them fully, managing them, overcoming them. ” For better and for worse “? “You follow me, I flee from you, I follow you, you flee from me”? My personal translation is “for the best, I follow you, and for the worst, I flee from you”! That the life of couple is not always funky, I can live with this idea but if it is only a succession of more painful moments the ones than the others, courage, flee, because yes it takes courage to cut ties with the person with whom we planned for the future. Live a Greek tragedy every day, no thanks! I have so many friends who have ‘rebuilt’ their lives and to whom it has been so successful!
George Sand wrote these words to Musset who took them up in “We do not joke with love”:
“ … But there is in the world a holy and sublime thing, it is the union of two of these beings so imperfect and so awful. We are often deceived in love, often hurt and often unhappy; but we love, and when we are on the edge of his grave, we turn to look back and we say to myself: I suffered often, I was wrong sometimes, but I loved. It was I who lived, and not a fake being created by my pride and my boredom. ” I would add: “I loved a being who was not fake either … “
Dear reader, stay authentic, stay true to yourself! If you evolve, and that is the purpose of our passage on earth, assume this evolution, marry it completely, do not leave ‘pieces’ of you on the side. Dear couples, do not tame too much, also keep your wild side for each other! And “make love” in lots of different ways!