Very often in my coaching, I am asked how to overcome the infidelity of his ex who led to the divorce? Infidelity remains the primary reason for divorce or separation today.
- Stop feeling guilty
- The infidelity of the narcissistic pervert
- Why was my ex unfaithful?
- Managing the pain of infidelity?
- Rebuilding after infidelity
Overcoming infidelity, this deep feeling of betrayal brings forth a lot of questions in itself. Questions that we will answer today in this article because they are an integral part of reconstruction .
I am often asked if there is something we could have done to avoid infidelity or we say that we have not done enough, in fact, it is a lot of criticism that the ‘you make yourself.
1- Stop feeling guilty
You think you are responsible for this relationship that ended because someone left you, or because you were forced to leave because of deception and betrayal.
Knowing that we were lied to, sometimes for a very long time, when we were trusted is extremely painful to live because with a broken heart, we tend to blame ourselves and feel guilty.
You think you did something wrong that caused infidelity, you don’t have to feel guilty for something someone else did to you .
You are not the reason this relationship ended. The relationship ended because of the other person, because they wanted it to end for a reason that you cannot control.
2- The infidelity of the narcissistic pervert
If you have had a relationship with a narcissistic pervert, you know that he will not face up to his responsibilities and will never admit that it was he who ended the relationship by doing so. He won’t admit that he needed someone else to fuel his narcissism. He will do anything to make you feel guilty.
What they do is they run away and do something very hurtful to you. Because their goal is to make you suffer and YOU in particular. Besides, the unfaithful narcissistic pervert will manage to be discovered. Because the interest there again is to set up suffering, humiliation, lower self-esteem and confidence in your partner.
3- Why was my ex unfaithful?
In cases of infidelity where your ex is not a narcissistic pervert, it is possible to consider a whole lot of reason and very often reasons that one cannot control. I would like to dwell on the infidelity which relates a romantic relationship, a real relationship, not a one night deception. Why do I make the distinction?
Because I think that an overnight deception is the result of an impulse, a feeling of regaining freedom, of independence and does not necessarily endanger the couple and the family. If these overnight deceptions are repetitive, they can fill a need, a lack. But again, there is no love in one-night relationships and the couple may not be impacted. This is certainly due to a lack of communication, needs or gaps not expressed by the cheating spouse. Maybe he or she tried to talk to the other person without having been heard, or maybe he did not want to talk about it at all and prefers to fill the gap elsewhere, in all discretion, in order to preserve his couple.
Infidelity and its causes are multiple. Today, the subject is infidelity which leads to a loving relationship with a person, who is not his spouse. This infidelity which will lead to a separation or a divorce because either, the spouse decides to leave to live his relationship fully, or because it is discovered by the person deceived.
Each case is unique and specific. I cannot mention all the cases here. I just want to talk about the suffering of the cheated person and the guilt they may feel.
So I’m going to start with an example, the case of a woman deceived by her husband but obviously I don’t mean by that that only men are unfaithful, that’s not my vision, there are also a lot of women unfaithful. But we must start from an example.
4- How to manage the pain of infidelity?
When we discover that we are deceived. It’s a shock, the world is falling apart, you feel intense pain, and you start asking yourself questions.
Why me ? Since when ?
We redo the film behind the last few months to look for a change in behavior, signs.
We turn into a private detective to find out who it is, what it looks like, what does it have more than me? What is she doing more than me?
And we go to the confrontation, after looking for evidence, we throw it in his face. We want to understand, we want to know the importance of this relationship, we want to know everything in the smallest details, but we especially want him to end this relationship or to leave.
And this is the period of threats.
The suffering can begin the day when, without having ever perceived anything, one evening he says: “We need to talk: here, I have met someone, I want us to separate. And there your world falls apart. And as before, we are going to replay the film of our life to look for signs, evidence and it is possible that we will not find any. Because his goal is not to cause pain, he just fell in love with someone else and before being sure of his decision, he was discreet.
A multitude of feelings will then overwhelm us, this feeling of betrayal, loss of confidence in the other, this feeling of having lived with someone who was not authentic, this feeling of loss of self-esteem and self-confidence. And then obviously, anger, sadness and blackmail.
We feel lost and responsible for the end of the relationship. And we will try everything so that the relationship does not end like this.
5- How to rebuild after a betrayal like infidelity?
You will have to do a job that reposition everyone’s responsibilities in their place and that will help restore confidence in you and your self-esteem. Its very important.
You have to be aware that there are things that you cannot control or control. And therefore you cannot be held responsible for it. Analyze the situation with hindsight and discernment.
Can you control what your spouse thinks?
Can you control what he says, does, feels?
Can you control his decisions?
Can you control the past?
The answer to all of these questions is NO. So if the answer is no, how can you feel responsible for your spouse’s infidelity?
You cannot redo the past, there is no point in going back on your behavior and making you feel guilty with “I should have been like this, I should have done that”. You may have made mistakes but these are your mistakes, do not go back over them, they were made, it is a fact. On the other hand, the lesson to be learned is not to reproduce them in the future. But he, too, made mistakes, it is not you who is responsible for HIS infidelity. He is solely responsible for it. He made a decision, his own, he may have been overwhelmed by his emotions, he may have fallen in love. What can you do about it? Absolutely nothing.
You can’t control what he likes, what he thinks, what he does. It is not your responsibility.
STOP the comparison
So once you have agreed to understand that you are not responsible for his actions or his feelings. Do not feel guilty.
All you can think of this infidelity is only interpretation in relation to your own feelings, your own history, your own experience.
Any comparison questions you make with your new partner do more harm than good. Is she prettier than you? Is she smarter than you? Is she younger? Is she thinner?
She would be MORE and you less ???
Tell yourself that this man once chose you and loved you, that you may also be the mother of his children, that he spent more time with you today than with her.
Actually, it is not you who are PLUS of all it?
Recover your esteem
You are not worth LESS than it. For sure. It’s just for you to stop comparing yourself. Comparing yourself to someone you absolutely don’t know can only diminish your self-confidence.
You are you, and you need to regain self-confidence. Today, think about yourself. The priority is you. You rebuild and move on. Focus on your qualities and potential and reconnect with yourself.
The relationship is over, you are not responsible for another person’s feelings. Try to tell yourself that you could also have met, fallen in love and stopped everything. Yes it is possible, yes it can happen.
In any case, you, you know your value, do not forget it and you will overcome this relationship which ends, you will come out stronger. Believe in yourself !