Self-confidence and self-esteem are always impacted during a divorce or separation. And it’s normal if he left me, it’s that I’m not good enough (but for him only!).
Because somewhere, we feel guilty.
If he left it is because of our fault.
He cheated on me, it’s because I was not attractive and pretty enough.
The difference between self-confidence and self-esteem
Self-confidence and self-esteem are very linked and it is very often confusing. Self-confidence is about actions: I’m afraid of doing the wrong thing, I’m afraid of going for it, I’m afraid of doing this and that he doesn’t like it. While self-esteem affects feelings: I feel too fat because he told me that my pants did not suit me. I don’t feel beautiful enough for him.
To put it simply, you lack self-confidence if ” you are afraid of ..” and you lack self-esteem if you think ” I feel or I don’t feel … ”
Why do you lose self-confidence after a divorce?
Guilt is a feeling felt during a separation. We relate to ourselves, the decision of the other. But why? We tell ourselves that he has good reasons to leave, reasons often repeated hundreds of times in daily life over the years …
- “Look at yourself, you’ve gained too much weight!” “
- “How is it that you never have time to do such and such a thing, I have it and I take it!” “
- “Why are you always tired? Do you think I don’t work too? “
- “I don’t want to make love tonight”
The list is not exhaustive and sometimes the words are much less sharp but insidious, placed at the bend of a nice sentence or even not expressed but compliments will be paid on another person, a friend, a colleague who will bring you back to your situation and what you are not or what you have not done.
When you leave you can just as easily experience this feeling of guilt and have lost self-confidence. Was it really necessary to leave him? Am I making the right choice? Will I meet someone while I am failing? How will I manage to rebuild myself when I am not feeling well?
The loss of self-confidence comes with the guilt of the decision whether it is suffered or not. In addition, the feeling of a failing relationship causes a decrease in self-confidence but also in others.
Actions to take to regain self-confidence
After a rupture and digestion the shock of separation. You have to rethink your life.
Rethink your life for yourself and more for “your couple”.
You should not consider yourself a failure because the relationship is over, but rather in a period of transition.
The relationship has not been a failure, you have just ended this relationship and it is over. And if it stopped, the causes and reasons are shared. You are not alone in taking responsibility. This is valid whether you have made the decision or are subject to it.
Because I suspect that if you have made such a decision, it is not cheerfulness! Your choice was carefully considered and it was the only way out for you.
So here are some tips to help you regain confidence after a breakup!
Take back your image
If you don’t like your current image anymore, change it so that the image the mirror returns matches you. Sometimes a visit to the hairdresser is enough! A small diet, the resumption of sports activities will be good for your body and also for your mind.
Believe in your potential
I often give this exercise to my clients: write your qualities. Don’t just think about it, write it down! It is important and difficult to do when you are feeling morally low. I also invite you to question your children, your best friends: they are the first to know your qualities and show you off!
Get out of your loneliness
Loneliness is an inexorable feeling after a divorce, I dedicated a full article to it. You must resume a social life and invest yourself in activities, whether professional or personal. Leave your home and go to people, it is surprising how the reception will be positive and you will immediately feel a sense of well-being.
What do you want to do with your life?
By analyzing as closely as possible the reasons for the end of your relationship, you will know what you have to modify, what you want and what you no longer want. Get to work right now and get help on your way to your new future.
Create your first project after your divorce: the goal is to create a “new” life aligned with your values. This project can concern your personal life of course but also your professional life. It may be time for you to act differently within your function, to evolve within your company, or even to change profession.
To regain self-confidence is to succeed in one thing, only one that will make you proud of yourself and make you want to go forward!