How to stay kind by being a divorced parent?

Being a divorced and caring parent is not easy!

Not always easy to keep your cool, calm and not want to rot your ex in front of the children… .However, stay kind when you are a divorced parent, towards your children with regard to your ex, is essential.

Yes, I know, you hold it against him, you have resentments, perhaps you have even been betrayed, perhaps your ex does not respect certain aspects of the separation or of the divorce decree… Your ex you make life a hell… Your ex does not pay the pension, your ex leaves you in a difficult situation. Or else, you simply suffer, and you wish to make him pay for your suffering.

In short, the list of grievances, even justified, is not exhaustive, I know it and I also know from experience, that it is extremely difficult to remain Zen in any situation.

Rules to protect your children

I will give you the 10 GOLDEN RULES to be kind when you are a divorced parent.

These golden rules, I decided to apply them even if I failed, too, but the price to be paid was so terrible that now I do not deviate from it and above all I give them to all. to soak up it, learn it by heart if necessary, it is so important to be a caring parent with your children when you are divorced.

These Golden Rules come from the Positive Separation Method ™ or Method of Positive Separation, a method proven since 2008 to overcome a divorce or separation. I first set up this method for personal purposes in order to get out of the “survival” mode that I had been using for a few years during which I couldn’t climb up the slope then I shared it because it works!

But what if we were to talk about these famous golden rules for being a caring divorced parent?

The 10 golden rules to be kind when you are a divorced parent

In addition to taking care of yourself and keeping your energy and positive attitude, there are many ways to support your children during separation and after. Here are some of my golden rules for navigating the murky waters of separation when children are involved.

  1. Consider how you can best support each of your children.

Each child requires a different approach. A family therapist, coach, or child therapist is often of great value and will guide you through the process.       

  1. Do not speak negatively about the other parent.

Spare your kids the negative details, the accusations, and don’t point the finger at the other parent’s actions. The reason for your separation is only that you were no longer happy together. This is the only reason that children should know about. And then “bashering” your ex in front of the children can do good in the short term, and especially for you, it lets off steam, but in the long term, it will make things really difficult for your children.

  1. Children have the right to both parents.

Except for cases of abuse, neglect or other conditions that would make your children insecure with your ex, preventing your children from seeing their other parent will do more harm than good. Even if you prefer to avoid contact with your ex, parenting is a 50/50 right, so make sure the other parent has a clear role to play, even if the children live with you continuously.

  1. Make clear arrangements for everyone’s roles, different deadlines, and on-call schedules.

And keep your commitments (I know how difficult it is!) For the sake of the children and clarity in the organization. This clarity children need! They need routines, all this reassures them and even more with separated parents.

  1. Don’t forget to have fun!

Take the time to enjoy your children, laugh and play. Doing activities with them, playing, paying attention to them even if you are in chaos is the greatest gift you can give them.

  1. Do not use your children as a messenger between you and your ex.

If you have things to say to your ex, tell them directly. And in case you no longer speak to each other, write to him! Whether by email, text or even by mail. Imagine for a moment a child who must repeat a message not coming from him, or even not directly concerning him, or even worse, this child is not even in agreement with the content of the message, it is very limited “manipulation” and it’s especially terrible for the child.  

  1. Don’t argue in their presence.

This makes them helpless and completely destabilizes them. Stay friendly or neutral during times when you pick up the children or drop them off or any other interactions that could happen where your ex is present.

  1. If you have negative emotions, deal with them alone.

If you are having trouble with this, or if you feel that children are your only option at this time, seek professional help. They cannot and should not recover your emotions.

  1. Don’t let your new partner speak negatively about your ex or your previous family life in front of you and your children.

Again, this is not about your children, but only about you and your relationship with your new partner. Explain to him that your past belongs to you and your new partner being part of your new life should not broach this type of subject especially in the presence of children, it would create tensions and would aggravate your relationship as well with your children as with your new partner.

  1. Remember that you are constantly setting an example for your children on how to overcome a crisis.

Thus, adopting a balanced behavior as a parent can have long-term positive consequences for them.

Your new life is waiting for you – and your children are fortunate to be able to share in the new future you are creating. Do whatever is necessary to keep your vision of a positive and happy future.

You will be happy – again – and if you are happy, those you love will be happy too!