I apologize for all the times I’ve been a bad friend because of my anxiety

Since I started being honest with my sanity, my relationships with my friends have changed a lot and especially for the better.

More confidence has set in. We can talk about more important things. Now that I have opened up, people around me have started to open up too.

And it made me think about the time I spent not being your best friend when I didn’t open up about what I was going through (depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and obsessive thoughts.)

I’m sorry for all the times that I didn’t message you because I thought too much about an answer and then decided that ignoring you completely would make you hate me less rather than taking a few hours to send one. texting.

I’m sorry that I was a bad friend and declined your calls.

For fear of having to admit to you that I was still in bed at 3 p.m. on Sunday. I’m sorry I canceled our outings at the last minute because, after preparing far too early, my anxiety resurfaced to remind me of all the dangers outside my home.

I’m sorry I lied, covered my stuff, claimed I had food poisoning, or other commitments.

Other things I’m not proud of:

All the times I’ve told you no because I didn’t want you to know that I wasn’t myself. The times I got angry for no reason, or was irritable and decided that the easiest option was to cut you off from my life instead of letting you in.

The times when I wasn’t 100% invested in our conversations when my attention wandered off while you were telling me what was going on – because I was too busy thinking about what I was wrong no one.

The times I left without warning because I didn’t feel like I could keep up with the rest of you, going out, running in the morning, working together. I felt embarrassed.

I was ashamed that the things that seemed the simplest suddenly seemed impossible, that my brain was not a safe place for me, to be afraid to turn on light switches, to open doors.

I’m sorry that I was a bad friend and doubted your understanding. I’m sorry my brain told me I couldn’t trust you or count on you, for thinking what was going on would be wrong.

The thing with depression is that it becomes your biggest secret and your closest friend, and it drives everyone away in the process. Depression hides the person people know and love.

It makes you irritable, withdrawn, suddenly disinterested in all the things you were passionate about. They tell you that you don’t deserve to have friends and loved ones and make you believe that if you were to tell people your thoughts, they would recoil in horror. That’s why opening up and being honest, which is such an integral part of being a good friend, is so scary.

You are afraid they will reject you. Let them say something that will make your condition worse.

Trusting someone with your biggest, heaviest secret gives them the power: to hurt you or to help you get better.

To avoid this, I pushed people away.

I was a bad friend because I wasn’t myself. I didn’t let people in.

And I’m sorry for that because it destroyed a lot of friendships, it made me miss years of great discussions with my mother, with whom I kept my distance so that she did not understand what was going on. was going through my head, and it kept me from bonding with new people.

I’m working on this now.

I learn that the people I love are also interested in me. They won’t hate me just because I’m sad, or judge me because I’m scared, they just want me to be okay.

I’m learning to trust people. I’m learning to listen to the people I love instead of the negative voice in my head telling me that everyone hates me.

It’s good to need a little help from the people in my life to get through a bad time.

The people I want in my life aren’t the ones who would let me down at the slightest difficulty.

They’re the ones who listen when I need to, who now know they can open up too, and they’re the ones who help me stay sane every day.

So now that I’m done with the “sorry” I would like to say thank you. Thanks to the people who followed me when I wasn’t the best friend back. Thank you for all your attention. Thank you for taking care of me.