A second love is very different from a first.
When I first married, I believed that love “healed” people. I thought that true love was hot by nature, that it was intense and that it filled our bodies with an inordinate passion.
But this is in fact the definition of attraction. It is moreover difficult to make a marriage last where passion is maintained at such a level of desire.
My first marriage was as intense as possible. Love in my first marriage had a completely different definition than in the context of my second marriage.
During my first marriage, love was synonymous with sexual alchemy, unhealthy addiction and dramas turning into drama. It was also synonymous with female abusers forgiven over and over again.
When a relationship is still inflamed, it is difficult to establish healthy communication, to heal or to progress together.
Being just 20 years old at the time of my first marriage, I did not really know how to move towards a healthy relationship. But that didn’t stop me from learning what true love was, in the most brutal way possible.
We do not need a burning ecstasy or a consuming passion for our relationship or our marriage to be fulfilled. We just need someone who wants to be with us, who wants the best for us and who wants to be the best he can for us. And vice versa, of course.
I loved my second husband as an individual and not according to the idea that I made love. Come to think of it, I would say that my first marriage was an experience that turned sour, the faults being shared. I loved the idea of a love exploding like fireworks, but beyond that, I had absolutely no idea how to move forward as a couple, as life partners.
The love that I nurture today – as part of my second marriage – is an emerging love of a more confident heart, more in tune with itself. He receives a love that grew in me. If I hadn’t grown personally, pursued my own dreams and taken care of myself as it should be, this love would not have been as sincere, nor as healthy.
If my marriage is what it is today, it is because I loved myself. He is more open, less explosive and despite everything, full of desire. My first marriage was in fact a mirror of the period I was going through at that time; that is, a period of confusion, self-destruction and anger.
Our relationships are a mirror of ourselves. They reflect the image we have of ourselves, what we feel towards ourselves and also the way in which we treat ourselves. We can only expect so much from our partner. The rest is up to us.
Although it sounds romantic, you can’t really “complement” someone. But by being at your best, you can be a wonderful partner. Of course, it helps to be with someone who wants to be at his best, who wants to work on his problems and cultivate a healthy , honest and loving relationship.
And that’s why I don’t like my second husband like I liked the first.
I have today in my bag, a whole paraphernalia of new love tools.
I learned to express my feelings and explain my problems. I can’t get there perfectly yet, but it’s a work in progress. We are each half way there. We do not run after each other and we do not repel each other.
It is a new and improved version of love, in which we master what we are individually, as well as how we treat ourselves within our marriage.
The concept of “second choice” does not apply to my second marriage because in my experience the second time is always the best.