I loved you ,
But I decided to love me more than you ever wanted to love me.
I gave you everything I had . I tried so hard to help you …
I tried to make you understand that you had nothing to fear but I realized that the man I loved before had in fact disappeared a long time ago. You sort of got lost along the way and you became the one who did nothing but take without ever giving anything.
I loved you ,
But you no longer deserve my tears. How could I have stayed with you when you are the cause of these sorrows? You were supposed to wipe the tears from my face, you were supposed to kiss them … and most of all, you were supposed to not be the source.
I loved you,
But you no longer deserve my devotion. I finally came to understand that it was useless to give you all my time, all my love, all of me, just because I thought I could fix you, help you heal from your previous stories.
I finally know that it was not my place to do it. I was not supposed to give parts of myself to complete you and find myself empty from the inside, I was not supposed to get lost so that you could find yourself. To think that I was the one responsible for caring for your injured heart was not very smart. Just because you were damaged doesn’t mean I should be too.
I loved you,
But you no longer deserve my heart. You did not deserve my love and you did not deserve to share my happiness or my pain. Either way, you would have been unable to appreciate them.
You no longer deserved my body, my mind or my soul. You took me for granted and there were few times that you fought for me. You did not show me that you were ready to engage with me, that you were ready to engage for us.
I loved you,
But you just kept taking and taking parts of me again without even seeing that it was exhausting me. You used me as if I was just a trash can in which you could dump your problems and your misfortunes, without ever showing the slightest empathy or the slightest thought with regard to my own problems. I was broken too you know. I was sad too. I also needed you.
Did you ever realize the pain in my eyes?
Was there ever a moment in our relationship when you really saw me, recognized?
Not as the woman who was only there to help you, but as the woman who loved you with all her heart, the woman who was ready to spend the rest of her life with you. The woman who had her own story, her own past and her own hopes and dreams? Maybe it was just more convenient for you to have me in your life …
However, I deserved more than just being there when you needed me. I deserved someone who was going to want me, who was going to want to spend time with me, who was going to do his best to put a smile on my face.
I saw the worst sides of you. I was with you when you were rude. Distant. Manipulator. Bitter. Angry with the world. I heard you lie and I saw you disappoint me over and over again.
I could have decided that you were too imperfect to love and be loved but I wanted to give you a chance.
I wanted you, even if there were things you had to work on and even if you were far from perfect.
You only saw the best sides of me and it was obviously not enough for you
I don’t know what else I could have done to impress you. Whenever we were together, I tried to be nice, sweet, funny, light, sensual, sexual … I made sure that you only saw the best version of myself.
I never let you see me angry, I moderated my words so as not to hurt your feelings. I paid maximum attention to the way I spoke to you so that we never find ourselves arguing unnecessarily. I made sure, even when I was pissed off at you, not to express too much blame. To be forgiving, accommodating.
I kept my jealousy for myself. I kept myself from asking you a million questions about the other girls you were chatting with. I didn’t mean to question you, treat you like you were doing something wrong by default and I thought if I gave you enough space, you’d end up seeing that I was worth it.
You only saw the best sides of me but maybe that was the problem. Maybe I should have let you see the real me instead of the perfect version. Maybe I should have cried in front of you and put out the big words when you hurt me. Perhaps I should have been more direct, more authentic.
I wanted to ignore our faults and take care of you, of us
Taking care of your housework (washing the floor, the dishes, the linen, …), being the perfect little indoor woman and folding your laundry, cooking up some nice dishes for when you came home from work after me … All that seemed normal to me at first.
I wanted to be comfortable with you, exciting too.
Do you remember that moment when I prepared cookies in a t-shirt, panties and high socks, with the idea of spending an evening of tenderness and chocolate with you? I was so focused on my preparation that you could have sneaked behind me, hugged me and made me dance to our favorite song … You would have made me mad with desire.
I wanted to be the arms in which you could find refuge after a bad day. I wanted to be a protective love, which would have kept your heart and your wild spirit safe.
But instead of all that, it was you who made me cry. You are the one whose actions broke my heart a little more each day …
Each time you let me fall asleep alone; every time you let me go to bed thinking that I was just less than nothing; every time you let me go away, distance myself, without even trying to get me back because you thought I would come back from myself. And you were right …
But you lost my trust and my respect and it changed everything
You no longer deserve my affection or my commitment, you no longer deserve my attention. My feelings for you did not disappear overnight but my respect yes. I am finally ready to admit that this is the end of our love story. I wish I could say that you deserved better but that would be lying.
I deserve better than you and by letting you go, I give myself a chance to be happier . I will not let my grief define me and I will keep my head high. You may have broken my heart but my mind is still intact. I will keep on going and I will find someone who will love me for my true worth.
I loved you ,
But you hurt me too much and even if I will miss you anyway, I know that I no longer deserve this sorrow and this lost energy, that I never deserved it. For too long I have let men control my happiness and now it is time for me to wish you good luck and for me to regain control of my life and learn from my mistakes.
