I feel like everyone around me expects me to heal overnight.
As if there is this constant pressure in their words waiting for me to smile again like nothing happened.
I still can’t seem to behave like everything is fine, although it clearly isn’t. I know I’ll get there, but it’s not yet time.
A broken heart can’t mend itself just like that. It didn’t break overnight either. It gradually cracked.
One little bit at a time until it shatters into thousands of little pieces. Now he needs time to heal.
So, I silence the voices that surround me and tell me what to do.
I understand that everyone can have their own opinion and a certain picture in their mind of how certain things should be.
I am well aware that things should be different. I know I should just let time get it right and get on with my life.
But, what I know and what I really feel are entirely different things.
I can’t stop remembering the days we shared together, the good as well as the bad. And of course, the bad always outweigh the good.
That said, in a way, it’s always easier to just focus on the good stuff.
I guess that’s what is holding me back and not allowing me to completely let go.
I keep going over all the possible scenarios in my head. What I should have or could have said or what I could have done differently, to arrive at a different result.
I know this is going nowhere, and I know I should stop, but I just can’t bring myself to finally let go.
I know that even if we had a million chances to succeed, we will have wasted them all since fate did not want us to end up together.
I just need time for my heart to take in what my mind already knows.
I’ve had better days before, when I rarely thought of you.
You are somewhere buried in my mind, but the memories of you have no control over what I want to achieve on those days.
They don’t affect the time I spend with my family and friends.
There are also terrible days, when I feel depressed and unwilling to do anything, where I feel like I have no strength.
But, I keep going and pushing anyway because I don’t know how to give up.
I’ve been broken before, but never to this point. Never in such a destructive way.
And all those people who tell me I shouldn’t have been with him anyway aren’t really helping me; they only demean me.
That’s why I decided to listen to myself, and to listen to my guts which are directing the pace of my healing process.
I’m going to start slowly, going day by day and one battle at a time.
There will be days when I will be glad I managed to get out of bed and just breathe, but, I will still consider those days a victory.
There will be days when I feel able to take on the world and feel proud of myself, and that’s why I’m going to have to take it slow.
I’m going to glue and put the pieces of my heart back together in the best possible way.
I will discover again who I am without you. I will fight to let go of you, as much as I fight to make you stay.
I will learn from this experience, I will grow thanks to it. I will stop obsessing over what could have happened and accept it as it is.
I won’t let the pain take over; it is not an option.
I am much better and stronger than my pain, and much stronger than anything that can stand between me and my happiness, including my memories of you.
Time will pass. And I’ll take all the time it takes to get better. I’ll never give up.
Someday I’ll wake up without thinking about you and wake up ready to give someone else a chance.
I will wake up painlessly. I will wake up cured.
