Even at the best of times, a couple can clash.
After all, the phrase “there is a fine line between love and hate” is famous for a reason.
I recently asked my e-mail readers who are married (and basically happy) if they have ever “hated” their husbands .
Virtually all the answers I got were yes.
The most common word I heard in responses was “obviously”.
But why do women sometimes feel that they hate their husbands, and if that’s normal, what can be done about it?
Here is my professional advice as well as that of other relationship experts.
These are suggestions if you resent your husband or even feel like you hate your husband , particularly if you are intent on saving your marriage.
Remember It’s Normal To “Hate” Your Husband.
First, let’s talk about the labels we give to our feelings, in this case, the label “hate”.
Just because you said that word doesn’t mean that’s what you actually feel.
Relationship expert Dr Juliana Morris says that in her office, couples often use the word “hate” to make an exaggerated statement about their spouse or something their spouse has done that they find irritating.
“It’s very normal to have feelings of deep boredom,” she says.
“If you spend a lot of time with someone, especially as intimately as you are living together, you learn all their quirks and weird habits.”
However, true hatred is a big warning sign.
More on that I’ll talk later.
And Sometimes It’s Even A Good Thing.
If you’ve never had the urge to pick up the sweaty, smelly football uniform and socks your husband leaves on the bathroom floor and shove them in there, then you’re a Zen master and you can count yourself lucky.
On the other side of the spectrum, according to Juliana, some couples are so disconnected that they don’t even spend enough time with each other to get annoyed!
If you think this is the case for you, take it as a sign that the two of you need to spend more quality time together, even though it can sometimes result in stressful arguments.
Relationship expert explains that: “If you don’t experience moments of boredom and even disgust with your partner, then you haven’t broken through his surface barrier and explored the hidden flaws that make up the whole person.” .
Where Do These Bad Feelings Come From?
According to Juliana, when you feel that you hate your husband, you may actually have another feeling, but you are not knowing how to identify the feeling correctly .
This feeling can be hurt, disappointment or rejection, for example.
Once you can identify the root of these feelings, it becomes easier to fix.
Let’s say you’re thinking about your husband: “You’re a slob! I hate you!” The real feeling might not be hate , it might be disappointment that he’s not making an effort to accomplish the tasks.
To fix this, consider saying:
- “Honey, I’d love for all your dirty clothes to be in the laundry basket.”
Notice how that phrase avoids any kind of negativity?
After that, explain to him why you would like to see this change.
For example:
- “I would be a lot less resentful of you and less annoyed with you too, if you would help eliminate this obstacle from my day.”
Knowing where the root of “hate” comes from will help him make the changes to a healthier and more pleasurable relationship.
Its Role In The Dynamics Of Love And Hate.
Now that you know that hateful feelings are actually covering up other feelings, Marla suggests looking within yourself when your hate starts to build.
Perhaps you are burdened with all the responsibilities on your back?
“Ask yourself: what needs of mine are not being met right now?” recommends Marla.
Then take time for yourself, taking care of yourself more so you can feel more loving.
“You have to take care of yourself first and foremost if you want to bring love into your relationship.”
Try To Focus On The Positive Side.
Perhaps you were irritated by an old habit of yours.
These not-so-attractive habits and quirks are hard to die for, but the therapist says there are a few things both you and your husband can do to help assuage feelings of hate when they arise.
A great way to do this is to restructure your thoughts.
“Instead of obsessing over what you hate, make a list of what he did right,” she suggests.
She calls it “actively practicing gratitude.”
Put Something Interesting On Your Calendar.
the therapist also recommends planning something to look forward to doing , like a mini-weekend trip or a night out doing something different that both of you might end up enjoying, like agreeing to go on the stand-up comedy show of the television comedian you’re on. poster in your city.
These out-of-routine activities provide opportunities for the two of you to reconnect as a couple.
Lastly, Consider Therapy.
It is likely that these feelings of hatred for your husband will pass because most of the time these feelings are forgotten in a relatively short period of time.
But what if they don’t pass? If you find that hatred for your husband is an authentic and constant feeling, then it is recommended that both of you seek professional help to resolve your marital problems.
Juliana agrees with me: “There is often the feeling of being stuck with someone you don’t like,” she says.
Talking about your marital problems with a trusted couples therapist can help you figure out if your marriage can be fixed or if it’s time to file for divorce.
