We often talk about emotional handicap with my friends, to describe all these men who surround us and are not in contact with their emotions, are not receptive.
And I know you probably have the same problem: you set your sights on a man who doesn’t talk too much about his feelings.
You often find it difficult to define him, to understand what he thinks, to decode what he wants, and you do not know if you really like him.
In this article, let’s see together if the man you want is a victim of emotional unavailability …
You know this image: that of the emotional shell, that of the armor.
Like me, you have seen all these films in which the man has locked his heart and turned the key into oblivion.
The phenomenon is real, and painful for you: this man is there, you can touch him, you can talk to him, sometimes you go further than that with him…
But as soon as you think he will open up to you, talk to you, give you his feelings …
BLAM! It closes like an oyster!
As if he slammed the door in your face and trampled on your heart.
Back to square one, he treats you coldly again, as if you were two strangers.
What you are going to have to do is understand the real reason for his emotional unavailability.
- He still has n’t recovered from his breakup with his ex, is he still thinking about her?
- Does he wait for you to make a declaration of love before opening to you?
- He just doesn’t care about you that much, he likes you, but “nothing more”?
The magic wand to fight against emotional unavailability!
Close your eyes, launch the formula “Open sesame! » … And nothing is happening!
And it’s not because it’s not called Sesame, no.
The reason is simpler than that: your prince charming was not brought up in a fairy tale.
Of course, you would like him to confide in you and tell you about the time his father accidentally ran over his dog, a drama that marked him when he was a child.
Of course, you would like him to tell you what is stressing him at work, but “talking is not manly”.
You read correctly!
The reason for this mutism which handicaps men and which prevents you from having the relationship you would like with him is what is called the accentuation of gender roles.
To make it short: little boys in blue, girls in pink, a boy does not cry, a boy does not complain, a boy does not confide.
This terrible mental conditioning prepares little boys from 5-6 years to close, to no longer listen to their emotions, and sometimes even …
To become violent, to harden, not to let pass any emotion, to prove that they are virile, that they are indeed “masculine”.
Unfortunately for all of us, this education generates internal conflict in men:
- On the one hand, this “manhood code” prohibits them from being vulnerable.
- On the other hand, they know perfectly well that to succeed in their social life and their life as a couple, they must speak.
It is this internal conflict, which tears them apart, which makes them so often incomprehensible to us, which makes them unstable, which makes them illegible and unpredictable in times of flirtation.
Have you ever seen a man fall in love?
Telling the woman he loves, for him, is worse than the 12 works of Hercules!
And what about his friends, who room him and make fun of him because he has feelings …
As a woman, you probably find it hard to imagine a life without feelings. Of course, it’s good to have feelings! Of course, it’s healthy to express your feelings!
So when you face this man who can’t seem to open up, you often tell yourself that there is something wrong with him. Why is he keeping you at a distance?
Over the years, I have noticed that it is always the same 3 causes that keep men away…
The 3 causes that prevent it from opening up to you
# 1 Understand the differences in attachment styles
You, him, your ex, his ex, your parents: we do not all attach in the same way. It depends on our education, and on factors specific to our biology.
Often, women who have trouble finding “the right” have a style of attachment known as “anguish attachment”.
Even with their man, they lack love. If he is silent, they think of the worst. When he walks away, it’s a drama. They would like to be permanently attached to their man.
On the other hand, men who cannot get attached or communicate have an attachment style called “avoiding”.
Too much presence stifles them. They need space. They need time for themselves. And since they do not always manage to communicate this need, they prefer to move away and flee.
Understand therefore that sometimes, when a man moves away from you, it is only to preserve his space, even if he likes you.
Attention: it will move away even more if you try to stick it, to suffocate it.
You both need to understand these different attachment styles and give the other what they need.
# 2 an emotional deficit called alexithymia
If the man you dreamed of spoke a lot at first but is now closed, you may be justifiably afraid.
But if you have met a silencer, which does not open after two months or two years, this is not necessarily a bad sign.
He may be one of those men with alexithymia. A word which means: “difficulty in identifying, differentiating and expressing one’s emotions”.
Concretely? This man does not understand what he feels, cannot put words on it, and even less manages to share what he does not understand.
It is likely that his parents did not raise him in a world of words and emotions.
In this case, help him to speak without judging him so that he can gradually express his feelings.
# 3 True emotional unavailability: when he doesn’t feel “it” for you …
If you find that this man seems emotionally unavailable, you may have to admit the reality: he may be REALLY NOT available… at the moment!
And it has nothing to do with you. It is a problem that he is experiencing, and now.
Maybe he doesn’t want to get involved. Can he see other women than you? Maybe he’s still suffering from his breakup.