In a relationship, everyone goes at their own pace. If your best friend moves in with her new boyfriend after three months, there’s no reason to do the exact same thing as her. If you are still single, it does not matter. You just need to go at your own pace.
But then, why nobody advances in the same way in terms of romantic relationship ? According to the English psychologist John Bowlby, this would have something to do with the theory of attachment, which he himself developed in the 1950s.
Thus, your failures or your success in love would be linked to the way you love or justly, not love certain people.
Originally, this theory was established on the bonds which unite infants and their parents. Then, it was developed to suit romantic and friendly relationships, as revealed on the Pure Wow site.
What is attachment theory?
To establish this theory of attachment, John Bowlby sought to understand how and why individuals react within their relationships, whether family, love or friendship. According to him, there are four different types of attachments, which can then determine the choice of partners, the evolution of relationships, etc.
As the Psychology Today site explains in an article devoted to this theory, it would therefore be necessary to succeed in determining your own attachment style to better know yourself and thus make the right sentimental choices. A study, conducted by other American psychologists and published in the J ournal of Personality and Social Psychology in February 2000, would support this idea.
The four attachment styles are the secure attachment style, the avoiding insecure attachment style, the anxious insecure attachment style, and the disorganized attachment style.
According to the theory, each individual would correspond to one of these behaviors and this would be established from childhood, according to the relationships he was able to establish with his parents .
Secure attachment style
They are the most comfortable people in romantic relationships because they do not feel the fear of abandonment or the fear of being disappointed. They are not afraid to get attached to others and easily trust each other. They come to understand the importance of two-person intimacy and the need to have separate interests.
Obviously, disputes can also arise in these relationships, but they will be managed in a different way, since individuals can calmly present their problems. However, sometimes two people of different attachment types go out together.
In this case, some misunderstandings can arise on a daily basis, but with a little luck, they will be able to find a reassuring balance for both.
Insecure attachment style avoiding
People of this type try to avoid any form of deep attachment and prefer to limit themselves to superficial feelings. They feel safe when they are alone and thus advocate their independence and their freedom, because they are afraid to admit their feelings (if they happen to have them).
Thus, these people can run away as soon as a relationship becomes too serious, for fear of being too chained to a partner. They prefer not to have to define or name a relationship, for example and avoid being really “in a relationship”.
If you meet someone who does this, be patient. Over time, feelings may take precedence over the rest, and the person may gradually indulge. Be careful however, stay alert and take care of yourself. You don’t have to suffer nonstop in a relationship like this.
Anxious insecure attachment style
Unlike the avoidant insecure attachment style, the anxious insecure attachment style corresponds to people who find it difficult to be alone and who generally live through a relationship. They are totally dependent on their partner, at the risk of being excessive.
Thus, the opinion of their partner will be very important for them, whether on daily life, professional choices or even clothing. They generally seek love and trust , but often to the extreme. For example, they will have a hard time conceiving of their partner going out without them and will be very jealous.
If you recognize yourself, be careful not to suffocate your partner. If you are single, learn to take time for yourself and only for yourself. Be aware that you must first learn to be happy alone and then be well as a couple.
The fearful or insecure attachment style avoiding and anxious
Basically, this type of people is a nice mix of the previous two. That is to say, they may well need to be constantly reassured while needing space and a fear of commitment.
These people are paradoxical, of course, but only because they have no self-confidence. They are unable to find comfort in their relationship and then live in permanent doubt . They will be able to blow hot and cold, sometimes in the same day.
Obviously, it is very complicated to live with a person having these types of reactions. However, if you like her, you can try to reassure her. With a little time, everything could be fine.
So, will you be able to determine what type of attachment suits you? This would be the best way to understand your actions and above all, to try to change them if they do not suit you.