I confess I am a phobic of commitment. Suffice to say things. I flirt like a guy. I disappear – cowardly – like a guy. And, when we talk about commitment, I try, I block, I say words of Love [ sincere, moreover ] but I always end up leaving the path of the couple to return to celibacy.
Anyway, I’m a b**stard. It is dramatic for my love life, but it is practical for understanding these men who sometimes break our hearts.
The other day, after yet another debate with my roommate, crazy about his girlfriend, pro of engagement, I FINALLY managed to understand why I and other b**stards go backward in love stories. So, ladies, I KNOW why engagement is scary.
Some of you, like me, will be afraid of commitment. So let’s not be s**xist, it’s not just men who are afraid. Even if they are in the majority. And, don’t hold it against me for the title, Gentlemen, it’s just that YOUR fear of engagement interests us much more than ours. Normal, your fear hurts us. Ours, less.
Even in love, here are the four reasons which push a man (/ a woman) not to commit. Sometimes one is enough, sometimes all four are entangled. So why did he run away from that one?
Loss of freedom
” I love you but I also love my freedom. And, I would be angry with you if I have to sacrifice it for you. So, no thanks. “
This is perhaps the simplest explicit reason to give. There are no lies or pretenses in there. And, it is not by locking up a lover of freedom that we will make a lover of the couple.
He may love you, and with all his heart, but he will blame you – unconsciously – for cutting off his wings. He will tend – without even realizing it – to ransack your story, to regain the darling freedom. His first great love.
With this kind of men [ or women ], it is better to go your way. At the risk of suffering and making him suffer by asking him to choose between two loves.
But why does he love her so much? What freedom are we talking about?
Freedom of dreams
Been to How I met Your Mother? Do you remember that episode when Lily left Marshall to go to a painting school? She is crazy about him. He is the Love of his life. But, she has to go. She must be sure not to miss her dreams. So she leaves.
For some, the dream is to build a beautiful relationship. It is, with someone else, making a life together, fighting everyday life, surprising yourself … Exploring Love in all its depths.
For others, it’s: taking film lessons in Argentina, making a detour to Thailand to get a tattoo, learning literary Arabic, visiting Jordan, doing humanitarian work, getting into painting, meet hundreds of people, go around the Mediterranean by boat and, ESPECIALLY, never stop to discover all that the world has to offer.
Even if Love is great [a reference to … ], even if it is incredibly beautiful, it can come and bump into those dreams. Instead of working on it, we soften, soften in the beloved arms. Two-person projects, made up of compromises, take the place of solo projects. And, we wake up, some ten years later, without having achieved a single one of our dreams. What remains of our youth?
So, no, definitely no, Love / the couple, not now.
For these, it is ” simply ” enough to wait until the years pass and the experiences are lived.
Freedom of Love
I had read a novel – which I no longer have the title in mind, that dates – which told the story of a boy studying literature in high school. He was the only boy in his class. Inevitably, all the girls were in love with him. Her gaze stopped on one of them.
He will write ” To say ‘yes’ to one woman is to say ‘no’ to all the others “.
He could have been loved and lived a story with each of them. His choice was a bit of a fluke. He closed the doors of other loves for one.
The greatest freedom that one loses by engaging: it is the freedom of Love. The freedom to love whoever you want. And, the problem of choice. This reason, we will keep quiet about the loved one.
Among the fearful of commitment, there are, therefore, these romantic, who would like to love each man/woman and refuse to choose only one [to govern them all].
If he commits, the question: ” Can I not live something better, which suits me more?” Or just something different? Will haunt them.
So he does not commit. To love everyone is to be with no one.
Cruel? Not even. Sad, yes. Because in the end, we lose our love.
To these, it is necessary to provoke an OI in them.
Become THIS woman constantly above others. And for that, we must not stop escaping them. Never give them the love they seem to be expecting, at the risk of weariness.
Is it really worth it?
Loss of fantasy Lovers
Every human being has – what I like to call – a ” love fantasy “. We all imagine this Prince and this Princess who will make our lives more beautiful. This magical person who will color our life in candy pink. The Fairy Tale is valid for men.
They await THE pearl: beautiful, funny, intelligent, curious, cultivated … (They believe in the Subway) In short, the princess with whom to live an overflowing and sensual passion.
And, that one, will love them despite their faults, their awkwardness, their too great kindnesses … The theory of the jam jar and the hard toothed lid.
Therefore, they will not commit. Not because they want to be able to love all women, but because they expect the Unique. The girls of reality are disappointing.
This phenomenon is often found in hardened singles. Those who have very few as** plans or girlfriends. Finally, those who do not know women enough to love them as they are.
To that one …
- Or, without knowing why, you become his princess. The one he always had and will always have in his head. If he starts to love you, it’s for a long time. Separated or not, together or not, you will be the daughter of her imaginary world. You will surely be happy.
- Either no, and it’s done. No need to insist. You will only win a beautiful and humiliating rake
Fear of abandonment
Sometimes – and this is the reason that seems the most incomprehensible – we leave the other so that he does not leave us. We do not commit, because to commit is to risk suffering.
Imagine, I get attached. Imagine, I begin to really hold on to you. Imagine, we are living an idyll and, I offer you everything: my heart, my ass, and my head. I believe in us, really. I hope one day to marry you, to have children. I think of my grandparents who still join hands when going to the market. And, I find you beautiful. Too beautiful. Maybe too good for me. And, the beautiful ones, they are cruel [a reference to …? ]
Imagine then, when I gave you everything when I sacrificed everything: you abandon me. You leave me alone to my amorous misery, to my unloved loneliness. You slaughter my heart with your big black eyelashes, your luscious mouth, which murmurs the intractable: “Let’s stay friends”.
I would not forgive myself for having loved you. Santa Claus does not exist, and it is a calamity.
So, no, I would not believe in us, it would hurt too much if I am wrong. So no, I would doubt you, constantly. I wouldn’t tell you that I love you. I would see other women. My mistresses do not promise to make me happy.
Yes, some do not commit for fear of being abandoned. They heal amorous wounds badly. So don’t put any feelings in there. You might as well not believe it. Celibacy, the adventures of one night, the stories of a few months, the FF does not surrender to the hope that it can really work.
With those, time. A lot of time. Especially in the seduction phase.
And, depending on the depth of the fear, it will end up paying, or not.
(Fear can increase with Love).
Fear of not being up to it
Any donation implies a counter-gift of equivalent value. It’s ethnology, I think. Or anthropology. The students will tell me.
The idea is that some women (men) offer a lot in Love. They offer too much. We don’t have enough to make a counter-donation. Very good. Too handsome. Too soft.
We are not up to it, and for the well-being of the person, in the long term, it is better to give them the chance to meet someone better.
It’s not that we don’t like it. On the contrary! It is simply that one is not sure to fill the other, to be the Prince / Princess of which he/she dreams.
We, whatever it gives us, we would not be ready to offer. Too selfish, surely.
The approach is strange. However, it is clear that the ” You are too good for me ” is not always a false excuse.
With the b**tches/ba**tArds no need to be up to par, therefore, we prefer them to the girls / good types. Or something lukewarm, where you will not be disappointed. And above all, above all, we will not make someone suffer GOOD.
Ridiculous? Not for a man who has seen loved women cry through his fault.
With them, as with many fearful of commitment, the best way to encourage them to overcome their fears is to show that we have a lot to offer, but not to give anything. Or never more than they offer themselves. Thus, they mark the rhythm of donations, counter-donations.
The idea is that if you point with white gold jewelry for your sister at Christmas, and she only offers you “one” cookbook, she will be much more unhappy not to have made a beautiful gift that happy with the jewelry.
Giving too much is a mistake. Give back what you get, no more. It is that, too, to love someone: not to overflow him with a love of which he would know what to do with it.
To push him to commit
My roommate: you forget these couples who really want to overcome this fear of commitment. You forget the dialogue, the reassurance, the tolerance. Everyone has their fears there, and it is only two that they can overcome themselves.
Me: You still have to want it …
She: Who doesn’t want it, basically?
Me: hum …
She was phobic about engagement. My roommate is crazy about her. She’s engaged and happy. Surely she is right.
But what we remember above all: better not to start with a phobic commitment for our good. Except, if a commitment is not, for us, paramount.
And you, have you ever met a fearful of engagement? How did you manage to keep it?