Like smells, music is often associated with memories, moments or people. It is actually one of the most common – and most effective – supports for emotional memory. Therefore, thanks to its commemorative power, music can become a real therapeutic tool , since it is in fact a window open on our emotions and our past.
In love for example, it is common for a couple to have “a song”, that is to say a common music that is associated with a key moment in their history, like the first kiss, the first I love you , or an improbable evening where you burned pizza because you were too busy devouring your eyes. Anyway, it is linked to a strong and happy memory, which symbolizes your couple.
It is on the basis of this observation that Stan Tatkin , marriage counselor, began to use these songs to unlock conflictual situations. He explains to the Mindgreenbody site that during his therapies, he asks the couple what “their” song is, and passes it by surprise during a session. By filming their reactions so that they could then analyze them, he realized that this had very positive effects: this song actually plays the role of emotional trigger, and floods us with happy memories when we “activate” it. Loaded with emotions and memories, it helps couples find each other. This is all its importance: this particular song is in a way a crystallization of the essence of their love.
“Only one of the couples I helped reacted only with sadness and anger at the loss of what this song represented. They divorced shortly after our session, unfortunately. If you and your partner have a song, and that his magic has been replaced by resentment, I do not advise you to go to therapy , but to run there! “, says Tatkin. Here are 4 ways to use “your” song to boost your relationship and learn to use this emotional trigger.
1- Remember what is the strength of his love
The beginning of a serious relationship is the antechamber of paradise: everything is simple, beautiful and exhilarating. And if your couple is running out of steam , or going through a difficult period, remembering this golden period when loving each other was as easy and vital as breathing can help you get back to the basics of your relationship . Concentrating on the happy memories that your song releases and evoking them in pairs sort of revives the machine. It’s a nice way to reassert your feelings, keeping in mind what makes your story worth it.
2- Treat yourself to a little introspection on your relationship
For a couple that lasts , it is essential to know how to sometimes take a step back to judge the direction taken by the relationship. In the same way as when we have stocks on the stock market, it is by following the prices that we will make them grow. And that is quite the role that your emblematic song can play: it marks with a white stone every moment when you sing it, and allows you to look back on your whole experience as a couple. It is an ideal starting point for a common introspection, a small hunt for memories … And possibly for small adjustments , so that the flame remains always as alive as the first time that you decreed that “it was your song”.
3- Find your complicity
In the perilous twists and turns of routine , this song is a breadcrumb that helps you find your way back to the other. No matter what crises you are going through, this song which symbolizes your love in its strongest and most beautiful part contributes to the maintenance of a powerful emotional bond. It is part of the folklore of your relationship, and it is by regularly drawing on this medley of memories of happiness that you will also manage to stay the course.
4- Defuse conflicts and tensions
We do not encourage you to systematically play the card of “your” song as you shoot down your last asset every time a tension is created: it is not a joker to pass your turn, but a tool which can help you to more easily resolve a conflict . This song is a message for the other, a way to reaffirm his love. When you have a tendency to jump your throat and you cannot get out of the doldrums of harsh remarks , this can be an instrument to remember the essentials and to purge a little the resentment that poisons you.