I’m not someone who gives up on love easily, and sometimes this leads me to my own downfall.
If I love you, then, in Lorde’s words, “I will love you until you call the police for me.”
My love is so firm that I’ve been the person who takes my ex back and the ex who runs after a boyfriend to get back.
While I don’t believe there is a rulebook for dating, I’m trying to incorporate some self-preservation rules into my daily life.
One of them includes knowing that just because you love someone doesn’t mean you’re right.
It’s hard to follow this principle when the person you want to spend years with asks to get back together.
Sometimes you have to pretend to be your best friend, who would take you aside and whisper this list of reminders in your ear:
1. He Didn’t Make You a Better Person
When someone leaves your life, it’s easy to remember only the best times together and not the times when he made you unhappy.
Remember when you were supposed to watch your friend’s CBT presentation, but spent the whole time checking her phone because he was supposed to meet with you later but never got in touch?
Remember when he spent the entire show flirting with his ex-girlfriend and ignoring you, even after you told him it brought out your insecurities?
Remember when he made cruel jokes at your expense in front of your friends?
These negative memories don’t mean the good ones didn’t happen.
But be real with yourself.
Your ex may be insisting that he’s a different person now and that he won’t make the same mistakes again, but real change takes a lot of time and self-renewal to create.
The intention is good, but if you have a short time apart, there is a 90% chance that you will come back with the exact same person.
Do you want to bet?
2. Your List Of “Cons” Outweighs The “Pros”
If you didn’t make a list of dos and don’ts when you were trying to get over your ex, then hurry up and do it now.
And by cons, I don’t want to list all his personal flaws.
(After all, true love forgives). Instead, I mean listing all the places they wanted something different from you.
Did he really like quickies and didn’t give himself enough time in bed to satisfy his needs?
Did she want an open relationship while you are monogamous?
You wanted to travel, but was he a homebody?
All these differences are important information in terms of predicting the outcome of your relationship.
While compromise is important, you can only compromise so far before giving up.
If you have more differences than similarities, the relationship itself may not be what you really want.
3. The Second Cut Could Be The Deepest
Some law of nature seems to dictate that your ex comes back when you get over them or visualize the moment when you will get over them.
Maybe he’s been picking up happy vibes from your Instagram selfies, or maybe he’s noticed that you’ve reorganized your room to eliminate all traces of him.
Maybe you were texting him and now it’s been days since you last contacted him.
Whatever the reason, when your ex contacts you, he often opens up all the old wounds and vulnerabilities that were starting to heal.
Do you really want to risk it?
Of course, nothing is certain in life, and you and your ex could very well end up spending the rest of your lives together.
If you’re going to risk a second dose of pain, you might want to have more than a vague hope that this is where you’re going.
4. You’re Still Hurt, Resentful, or Angry
Unless it’s been years since you were in a relationship together, you’ve moved cities, had long-term relationships with other people, embarked on solo self-discovery quests, and possibly changed your name, you’re probably harboring some resentment in your life. relationship with your ex – if only for the pain he caused when I left you.
Anger is a healthy emotion.
However, if you haven’t worked completely on your own terms and are jumping right to the point of forgiveness in order to get back together with your ex, then that emotion will come out elsewhere in your relationship.
Unless both of you are willing to get couples counseling, if you still feel hurt (which means anger) you will need more time.
5. You Were Starting To Invest In Yourself Again
Breakups are huge losses that take an immense emotional toll on you.
On the other side of that heartbreak, however, is an exciting place where you learn to put all the energy you’ve invested in another person into yourself.
In fact, the periods after the breakups were some of the most accomplished and accelerated growth periods of my life.
If my ex and I had really gotten back together, I probably would have fooled myself into thinking I could keep up that momentum and growth.
The reality would be that all the energy needed to revive a relationship would be an expense to my success.
(And in some cases, it did).
If you’re thinking about accepting a handout when your ex gets back, don’t do it.
You’ve been with yourself longer than you’ve been with your ex anyway.
This is the only relationship you will have to maintain for the rest of your life.