First of all, a divorce should not be taken lightly. The emotional and financial repercussions of ending a marriage can be enormous and traumatic for all concerned.
“I think a divorce is the last option,” says Eris Huemer Winans, a Los Angeles psychologist and co-founder of Divorce Doctor, an organization that assists couples in every aspect of their divorce.
That said, there are situations where divorce is the best option for everyone, including children. There are no rules, but if you find yourself in one of the following situations, it may be time to stop it.
1. Your partner has an addiction
Gambling, s ex, alcohol, d rugs …
Unless your partner is really trying to find help or is firmly engaged in a detoxification process, it is best to leave.
Being married to someone with an addiction can lead to financial, emotional and social problems. Addiction can even cause emotional abuse, according to Eris Huemer Winans. Growing up in this type of fireplace can cause serious harm to children; they often believe themselves to be wrongly responsible for the bad behavior of their parent.
Kay, 49, married a man who had been sober for 5 years before they knew each other. But, about a year after their marriage, he fell back into his old ways. She describes him as two totally different people: charismatic, creative and hardworking when he was sober; moody and whimsical when he had been drinking.
“He blamed me for everything,” she says. I realized that my husband only liked one thing: drink. “
Kay has finally decided to divorce and says his life has improved in every respect. “I went through a period of sadness, sorrow and almost shock,” she says. But, almost immediately, it dissolved into a feeling of deep relief. “
2. You are verbally or physically abused
This condition is non-negotiable.
Dr. Eris Huemer Winans says, “Most abusive relationships do not stop because the cycle of violence tends to be repeated.” Even if you are not physically at risk, verbal abuse can be extremely dangerous because it is very damaging to your mental and emotional health.
As with addiction, living in an abusive home puts children at risk, even if they are not physically injured. “When a child has been a victim of domestic violence or when he has witnessed it, he grows up with low self-esteem. Indicate the psychologist. It is very toxic to grow in this type of environment. “
However, before packing, make sure you have found a safe place for yourself and your children. If your family or friends can not help you, contact a specialized association that can help you find a foster home.
3. One of you wants children, the other not
“If you want children, but not your spouse, none of you will be happy in this marriage,” says Dr. Huemer Winans. The only way for a wedding to work is if you have a similar vision and desires for the type of family you want to have. “
Before getting married, 39-year-old Tim and his partner discussed the possibility of having children and decided neither of them wanted it. It ended up changing for her – but not for him. They have been around the issue for years, but never reached an agreement. This problem and others have gradually dug a deep gap between them. Like having children is an issue where time matters, the biggest regret can be that of not having separated earlier.
4. There is unfaithful infidelity
Adultery does not necessarily mean the end of a marriage, says Rachel A. Sussman, a psychotherapist in New York.
The details matter a lot: was it a one-night adventure or a secret love affair that lasted for years? Was it purely physical or did one of you forge an intimate relationship with someone else?
Just as important – or perhaps even more so – is how the lost partner has handled the consequences. To assess whether an infidelity is a cause of divorce, Dr. Huemer Winans advises to examine the four R’s: “The person who cheated must show Remorse, take responsibility for his / her actions, Reject the second partner, Reassure the other and show her willingness to Fix her marriage, “she says. If these conditions are not met, it is probably time to move on.
5. You have evolved differently
It may seem dramatic, but sometimes a marriage breaks down imperceptibly over time, so there is no way back. This is sometimes the problem of couples who knew each other very young.
According to Dr. Rachel A. Sussman, if people got married when they were in their twenties, one of them, in their mid-30s, may change to the point of loving someone other than his partner.
Tim and his ex-wife met at the university and got married soon after. One of the things they cherished in their relationship was their independence, but over time, the way they wanted to lead their lives was so different that it damaged their marriage to the point of no longer being able to support each other.
For a moment, they tried to lead parallel lives – each pursuing their interests separately, while remaining a couple – but this became untenable.
Tim says he was very saddened when he realized how much an emotional gap had erupted between him and his wife and that separating was the best thing to do.
6. You have exhausted all other options
If you have consulted, asked your family, your friends and/or a counselor to save your marriage and the situation is still lamentable, there are chances that you would be better off by becoming single, advises Dr. Sussman.
Once you have made the decision to divorce, Dr. Huemer Winans emphasizes the importance of communicating with your partner and continuing to work on yourself. “Because if you do not face problems,” she explains, “you will probably end up attracting the same kind of people.”
And, even if you do not expect your divorce to be good, there are bound to be positives, she says. Many divorced women develop greater self-esteem and self-awareness – not to mention that they are often happier single than they were married.
“But these positive results do not happen easily once you have signed the papers, warns the psychologist. You must first work on yourself.