In any relationship—whether romantic, familial, or platonic—small moments of connection can make a big difference. One of the most powerful concepts in understanding how relationships thrive or struggle is the idea of “bids for connection.” Coined by Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, bids for connection are the subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) ways people reach out for attention, affirmation, or support. Recognizing and responding to these bids can strengthen bonds, while ignoring them can lead to emotional distance.
What Are Bids For Connection?
A bid for connection is any attempt one person makes to engage with another, whether through words, gestures, or actions. These bids can be as simple as a smile, a question, or a shared joke. They can also be more direct, like asking for advice or expressing a need for comfort.
For example:
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Your partner points out a beautiful sunset and says, “Look at that!”
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A friend texts you, “Had a rough day—can we talk?”
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Your child tugs at your sleeve and says, “Watch me do this trick!”
Each of these is a bid—a request for your attention, validation, or involvement. How you respond (or don’t respond) shapes the quality of the relationship over time.
Why Bids For Connection Matter
Dr. Gottman’s research found that couples who consistently turn toward each other’s bids—responding with interest and engagement—are more likely to stay together and report higher relationship satisfaction. Those who turn away (ignore or dismiss bids) or turn against (respond negatively) often experience growing disconnection and conflict.
Bids aren’t just important in romantic relationships. They play a crucial role in friendships, parent-child dynamics, and even workplace interactions. When people feel heard and valued, trust deepens. When bids go unnoticed, resentment and loneliness can build.
How To Spot Bids For Connection
Bids can be verbal or nonverbal, obvious or subtle. Here are some common forms they take:
1. Verbal Bids
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Sharing thoughts or feelings (“I’m really stressed about this meeting.”)
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Asking questions (“Did you see the game last night?”)
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Making observations (“This coffee is amazing!”)
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Requests for help or companionship (“Can you give me a hand with this?”)
2. Nonverbal Bids
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Physical touch (a hug, a pat on the back)
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Facial expressions (a smile, a raised eyebrow)
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Gestures (pointing something out, waving for attention)
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Tone of voice (a sigh, an excited inflection)
3. Subtle vs. Direct Bids
Some bids are easy to miss because they’re understated. For example:
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“I’m fine” (when they’re clearly not)
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Lingering nearby without saying anything
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A quiet sigh after a long day
Direct bids are clearer: “I need to talk,” or “Can we spend time together?”
The key is to pay attention to patterns. If someone frequently tries to engage you—whether through jokes, questions, or shared activities—they’re likely making bids.
How To Respond To Bids For Connection
Responding well doesn’t always require grand gestures. Often, small acknowledgments go a long way. Here’s how to turn toward bids effectively:
1. Acknowledge the Bid
Even if you’re busy, a simple response shows you care:
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“That sunset is gorgeous—thanks for pointing it out!”
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“I see you did a great job on that trick! Want to show me again?”
2. Show Genuine Interest
Ask follow-up questions or share their enthusiasm:
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“Tell me more about what’s stressing you.”
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“I didn’t see the game—who won?”
3. Use Active Listening
Put down your phone, make eye contact, and reflect back what they’re saying:
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“It sounds like you’re really frustrated. Is that right?”
4. Respond With Kindness (Even When You’re Tired)
If you’re drained, it’s okay to say: “I want to hear this, but I’m a bit distracted. Can we talk in 10 minutes?” This still honors the bid.
5. Look for Hidden Bids
If someone seems withdrawn or says “Never mind,” they might need reassurance: “I’m here if you want to talk later.”
What Happens When Bids Are Ignored?
When bids are repeatedly missed, people stop making them. This creates emotional distance. For example:
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A partner who keeps sharing ideas but gets no response may stop trying.
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A child who’s always told “Not now” may stop seeking parental attention.
Ignored bids can lead to resentment, loneliness, and even conflict. Over time, relationships wither without these small moments of connection.
Practicing Bids in Everyday Life
Strengthening relationships starts with small, consistent actions:
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Be present. Put away distractions when someone speaks to you.
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Initiate bids. Share your thoughts, ask questions, and invite connection.
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Repair missed bids. If you realize you ignored someone, circle back: “Earlier, you mentioned your project—how’s it going?”
Final Thoughts
Bids for connection are the building blocks of strong, healthy relationships. By learning to recognize and respond to them—whether from a partner, friend, or coworker—you foster trust and intimacy. It’s not about perfection; it’s about showing up in small, meaningful ways.
Start today: Pay attention to the next bid someone makes. Turn toward it with curiosity and care. Those tiny moments? They’re the glue that holds relationships together.
