Personally I am not a fan of arguments… in reality, I hate that. My point of view is that arguments are not necessary to be understood and that it is really possible to avoid them. Maybe not 100%, but for the most part.
Resolving conflicts without arguing requires commitment. It is a choice to make. The one to express yourself better and also to listen better to your other half.
Peace does not need two people; she only needs one person. You. The problem begins and ends there. – Byron Katie
How to avoid arguments then?
1 Be clear with yourself
Have you ever noticed that when you are angry, you often lose your lucidity? We say a lot of things, which we regret at the end and which was not what we thought or what we meant.
A key element when you are upset is to question yourself … first. It is not our half that we must question. It is ourselves.
We must try to understand why the situation arouses annoyance in US
Here are some helpful questions to find out what is really going on inside of you during an annoyance.
- What really bothers me about this situation?
- Why am I so upset? How do I feel (sadness, disappointment, anger, anxiety, etc.) that creates this annoyance?
- How would I need my spouse to act at this time?
- What judgment do I have on my partner that creates this annoyance in me? What does this annoyance show me about ME?
- What do I really need to express?
A first step to avoid arguments is to become aware of what is going on inside you. When we know why we react in a certain way several things happen, we:
- manages to put it in perspective, and see where WE are perhaps unfair to our other half
- manages to better express what annoys us without the need to attack or beat around the bush
- becomes aware of our recurring behaviors in our relationship
- becomes more present to you
- become aware of what we need rather than staying focused on what we dislike about our spouse
The more you become aware of yourself, the easier it becomes to express yourself clearly.
2 Align with your truths
When I get really upset, which is less and less frequent but I can’t calm down, it is my alarm bell that my mind has taken over and it’s time to get back to basics. I do this through two simple questions:
- Is my couple really important to me?
- Do I love him?
The answer is either YES or NO.
The best thing to do is always to answer yes or no. This prevents the mind from getting tangled up in its own reasons and justifications for ‘yes, but no’.
If I love him, do I act like I really love him?
And if I don’t like it…. Why am I always with this person?
These questions may seem so simple and yet they have the ability to change our perspective.
Whenever I remember my truth, it allows me to calm down. Because if my couple is important to me and since I love it, what do I try to do while staying upset?
I invite you to ask yourself the same question.
- What are you looking to do or get while staying upset?
Do not hesitate to question yourself. Often, in a quarrel, the only person to whom you are accountable is yourself.
Also, observe how your actions and your words do not necessarily correspond to what you say …
‘I love you’ … but I send you out for a walk so early that you get on my nerves, ‘I want to make my life with you’ … but I tell you that I don’t need you to be happy as soon as we get angry. etc.
See where you are inconsistent not with your spouse, but with what you say you want. And take the time to refocus with your truth.
It happens that under the influence of anger, one wants to NOT love one’s spouse. Therefore, we lie to ourselves, and our actions are no longer aligned with our truth and this is precisely what causes us so much suffering. So much more suffering than the situation itself.
3 Stop blackmail and insults
It is a matter of respect. Even in disagreements, insults and blackmail are unacceptable methods of being heard. I categorize them as the ultimate form of malicious manipulation and emotional abuse.
No one likes to be called names of birds and no one likes receiving ultimatums but, beyond that, it is also a great sign of disenchantment. Insulting someone you love is a bit crooked. No?
Before saying hurtful words, it is best to:
+ Forcing yourself to go get some fresh air. Only when you are alone, say out loud or in your head what you really think (name-calling, etc. that goes through your head as if you were talking to your spouse).
The idea is to never repress your anger, it is important to express it, but it is absolutely not necessary to share this negativity with anyone. Even less with her spouse.
+ Write what you really think about your spouse on a sheet then when you have let off steam, burn or tear this sheet.
What we are trying to do is validate what we feel, so as not to repress it. But to do it in a healthy way and that will not cause ‘damage’.
4 Express yourself differently
No one likes having someone on their back and yet we are so quick to be on the back of our spouse. Lyrics of the genre:
- “You never listen to me”
- “Every time you forget to…”
- “Why don’t you ever think about …”
- “It’s always the same thing…”
These words are overwhelming and annoying and above all they do not make the other want to cooperate. On the contrary, they can cause resentment in our spouse.
A better way to be heard is to simply rephrase these requests.
- “My love, you know how much it would make me happy if …”
- “And if …”
- “Do you remember when you …. it was really good”
- “You do not mind …”
- “I would love so much that….”
- “What do you think if …”
- “I suggest that we…”
These are requests that show our spouse what we would like to show what annoys us. Above all, they do not condemn, but they encourage the other towards new initiatives.
These are open requests, that is to say, that there is an exchange between one and the other.
Golden advice is to always seek to encourage rather than overwhelm. It’s up to you to be creative and see how you can be, act, and communicate to be encouraging.
5 Being vulnerable
The most effective way to communicate when you are upset is by lowering your barriers.
What are barriers?
It is this wall that one puts between oneself and one’s spouse. This invisible wall that gives the feeling that the other is the enemy that prevents open communication.
For example, wallowing in silence rather than saying things. Pretend everything is fine when our other half sees that something is wrong.
Conversely, when we accept to be vulnerable, which simply means, to be ourselves, we are no longer in attack or defense mode. We are just there, as we are. With our feelings.
After all, if your relationship is important to you, why not try to express yourself with this feeling in mind:
“My couple is important to me, and I’m upset, how can I express myself without trying to judge, blame or upset him?”
When we accept being vulnerable and all our barriers are lowered, our spouse will not feel the need to defend themselves and will be much better able to hear us.