There isn’t really a rule when it comes to love, but fostering a healthy relationship is possible. Here are six bad habits that we sometimes pick up on without realizing it and which should be avoided.
1. COUNTING THE POINTS
What is that?
It’s when you continue to blame the other for mistakes they may have made at the start of the relationship. When the two people in the relationship get down to it, it’s called the “couple scorecard,” which is like constantly scoring each other’s points. It becomes a competition over who has done the most harm (and therefore who owes the most) to the other. For example, You have completely ruined your partner’s birthday. You were murdered, you sealed off the atmosphere and since that day he has never stopped blaming you for it. But the following week, you discover on his phone ambiguous texts sent to one of his colleagues. Suddenly, you’re sorry for your behavior, aren’t you? False.
Why it’s toxic:
It’s really shooting yourself in the foot. Indeed, the fact of calculating points will necessarily lead one to allow himself bad behavior given the stupidities of the other. Ultimately, failure is guaranteed, bitterness, and the impression of being manipulated accumulating over time.
What to do instead:
You have to try to solve the problems separately unless they are directly related. For example, your partner cheated on you. This is obviously serious and a solution must be found. On the other hand, it has nothing to do with the crisis he started in 2010 in front of your parents, so don’t put the subject on the table. Clearly, do not add more.
- HAVE A “PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE” ATTITUDE
What is that?
Instead of directly saying what you want, you throw clues, innuendo, and expect the other to guess. Obviously, when it’s not obvious to him, it upsets us. Or, we are very angry, but instead of saying what got us in this state, we do our utmost to annoy our partner for revenge, without ever addressing the real problem.
Why it’s toxic:
Because it shows that we are not comfortable discussing with the other.
What to do instead:
Talk openly about your feelings and desires. Have you had a bad day? Do not wait for him to guess it, but say it directly.
- TAKING THE RELATIONSHIP AS A HOSTAGE
What is that?
When we blame the other for something, and instead of saying it normally, we question the whole relationship. For example, Your partner has been cold to you. Instead of saying “I don’t like you being cold with me”, you say “I can’t be with someone so cold”.
Why it’s toxic:
Because it shows that we are not comfortable discussing with the other.
What to do instead:
Talk openly about your feelings and desires. Have you had a bad day? Do not wait for him to guess it but say it directly.
- TAKING THE RELATIONSHIP AS A HOSTAGE
What is that?
When we blame the other for something, and instead of saying it normally, we question the whole relationship. For example, Your partner has been cold to you. Instead of saying “I don’t like you being cold with me”, you say “I can’t be with someone so cold”.
Why it’s toxic:
It’s emotional blackmail and as a result, it creates tons of unnecessary drama. Every disturbing detail of the relationship becomes a total questioning. It’s a lot of stress, arguments, and tears over something you could just say. This situation can also lead to an unhealthy game where one gets the better of the other and takes the opportunity to manipulate his companion.
What to do instead:
Say it in a simple way. It’s okay to blame each other sometimes, but you have to communicate to fix the problems instead of getting carried away by making a disaster of what is not.
- REBUILD YOUR PARTNER FOR HIS OWN EMOTIONS
What is that?
You have a bad day. And when you get home, your partner is in a super good mood. He doesn’t necessarily pay attention to you and immediately asks you what is wrong. In addition, while you were dreaming of a romantic evening in front of a movie, he announces to you that he already has plans with his friends. It’s the last straw, you cry completely and blame him for his lack of sensitivity. You even go so far as to tell him that deep down, he doesn’t love you, because you don’t do that to someone you love. Except, if you’ve had a bad day, it’s not her fault. You throw stress on him that only concerns you.
Why it’s toxic:
Because by force, it’s really boring. It is a selfish attitude, and if it is repeated often, it can create a relationship of co-dependency: your partner will no longer have the right to plan anything without warning you, he will feel obligated to always save you…
What to do instead:
You have to take responsibility for your own emotions. There is a huge difference between supporting your partner and having to always support him.
- EXCESSIVE JEALOUSY
What is that?
It is getting angry as soon as your partner talks, looks, or touches someone else. Suddenly, we try to control the actions of the other. This behavior often leads the jealous person to dig into their partner’s phone or even follow him.
Why it’s toxic:
First of all, it is absolutely no proof of love, it is, on the contrary, a lack of confidence in the other. This behavior, because it comes from an irrational fear, generates arguments and dramas that are completely unnecessary. It is also very insulting for the other, who sees himself all the time suspected of lying, cheating, and deceiving.
What to do instead:
Trust. If it’s too difficult at first, refrain from acting irrational and keep unfounded doubts to yourself.
- “BUY” FROM THE RESPITE
What is that
As soon as an argument breaks out, put the problem under the carpet by finding a joker: a gift, a nice outing, a trip.
Why it’s toxic:
Hiding the problem doesn’t make it go away, and it will come back with more intensity next time. In addition, one partner might feel bought off and unconsciously resent the other even more.
What to do instead:
There’s nothing wrong with making your partner happy, but that doesn’t have to be at the expense of a conversation. You just have to talk about what’s wrong and try to find a solution instead of taking the easy (which isn’t).
