In her book Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love , marriage and family therapist Lisa Marie Bobby explains that falling in love is not only an emotional phenomenon, it is also a scientific phenomenon that comes close to intoxication . In other words, love is a d rug. She writes thus ( via Sober Recovery.com ): “When people fall in love, their physiological state is altered and it is very close to an addiction to cocaine. They experience euphoria, they are more energetic, they have less need sleep … They’re caught in something tumultuous and inundated with dopamine in the same way that cocaine stimulates you. ”
On the basis of this principle, it would therefore be completely normal for the addiction to the other not necessarily to end with the break up. For Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, we could therefore become exaholics, or addicts to our exes. Do you think you have developed an addiction? We help you to see more clearly.
1- You have replaced your addiction with another
Because you need to maintain your dopamine level, you subconsciously replace your ex with another addiction. This can mean evening adventures , more alcohol, or a new diet.
For Dr. Jeff Gardere – who works in collaboration with Lisa Marie Bobby – this desire to self-destruct goes hand in hand with a physical reaction similar to that of a d rug addict: “We see people who are starting to have pressure problems “Their immune system takes a hit and they get cold more easily. Like people who don’t have d rugs, they start to have incessant headaches or stomach aches.”
2- You can no longer make a rational decision
When you are addicted to something, you can lose your head slightly. We need this thing right now now and no matter the consequences. For the therapist, we can no longer make rational and healthy decisions for ourselves. She believes that “an exaholic has lost the center of his life” and that he can only heal by turning to others: friends, family, and why not a support group specializing in romantic breakups AA (Alcoholics Anonymous).
3- You count the days
As someone with a lack of alcohol / d rugs, you count the days since the last time you contacted your ex. Good news, Lisa Marie Bobby believes that this reaction is very healthy and helps to cure her addiction . According to her, successfully restraining oneself is the ultimate sign of abstinence.
How to put an end to his addiction to the other?
The therapist encourages exaholics to take time for them before committing again. But above all, it encourages you to choose your new relationship well. It must be healthy and it must be committed by putting a little distance : “Go to dinner with the person and avoid giving too much news in the days that follow. Keeping distance can make you pass for someone detached, but if you rush into this relationship and allow this chemical passion to devastate you, you may wake up a few months later realizing that the person you are attached to does not share the same values as you and it makes you unhappy. ”
The therapist also considers that one should not trust the famous “butterflies in the belly” supposed to mean that one has found “the good”: “That does not explain anything, except that you are anxious. The truth is that we feel these butterflies for a lot of people and that has nothing to do with the soul mate. ” In other words, these tickles in the stomach rhyme more with stress than with excitement. Beware of butterflies.