Do you want to know if your partner’s love is real?
The fear of commitment is something very common in these times.
It is one thing to be afraid to commit to a person, for fear of getting hurt, for example, and quite another to not reciprocate the other’s love and be unable to express it honestly.
The ability to meet new people with the swipe of a finger has deepened a false sense that we could always be missing out on something better.
How can you know if it’s really worth trying with your partner? Or is it better to move on?
Here I will tell you the 8 differences between the fear of commitment and the lack of love
1) Fear of commitment is an attitude that lives in the head, love is felt in the heart
The truth is that the fear of commitment has nothing to do with an inability to love.
Your boyfriend could love you, but still panic in his head at the thought of losing his freedom. He may have an unconscious fear of being rejected or even low self-esteem.
If he really loves you, you will know it by the way he looks at you and how he feels about you, even though he is reluctant to fully commit to you.
He may not be very good at expressing his feelings, but he will definitely have loving gestures with you.
If love is not present, your partner will have a negative attitude towards you, there will be constant disagreements and they will feel that in general they would be better apart than together.
He may not have the courage to admit it, which is why he stays with you, even though he no longer loves you.
It is also possible that he values the relationship and appreciates many things about you, and that makes it more difficult for him to make the decision to leave you.
He might not really know what he wants, honestly.
And you can’t blame him for that.
2) The attitude towards labels
A man who is afraid of commitment will not feel comfortable putting a title on his relationship.
But if he really loves you, you will know it, simply because he will want to spend time with you. He will propose to meet you and will be excited to see you.
To know if your partner really loves you, you don’t need any label or title. You just have to feel that he cares about you.
The lack of love is manifested beyond the name they put on their relationship.
He might have no problem saying you’re dating, but he’ll be aloof towards you.
You will not be his priority and in general, you will feel that it is always you who is looking for him.
The way he talks to you or how he looks at you can reveal a lot about whether he’s tired of you and doesn’t love you anymore.
3) Future plans
A man with commitment problems will have some difficulty making future plans with you.
But if he really loves you, he can’t help but enjoy the time he spends with you.
If he laughs a lot with you, smiles all the time, and is interested in knowing everything about you, you can trust that he loves you.
Plans will emerge more slowly, and he may not propose planning a trip for next summer, but it will be clear that he wants you in his life.
A man who doesn’t really love you will avoid making plans with you at all. In his mind he will be thinking of an imminent breakup with which he will have no intention of planning anything with you.
He will avoid any commitment that could bind him to you in the future. He could show inconsiderate attitudes towards you, such as disappearing and reappearing without explanation.
4) Things have to be as he wants
If he is a person with commitment issues, he may always want to do things his way.
It is implicit in the definition, you do not want to compromise, nor give anything on your part.
But the truth is, if you’re important to him, there will be a point where he knows he needs to be more flexible.
He will not want to lose you, so even if it is difficult for him, at a certain point, he will seek to please you. Even if it means giving up what he prefers.
If it is a lack of love, selfishness will prevail, your desires will not be so important to him and he will simply do what he pleases. Many times without even considering you at all.
A man who truly values and loves you might be very afraid of commitment, but he will at least try to talk about it openly with you.
Let’s be honest, being afraid of commitment is not a pleasant thing, after all it is something that is in your mind and in your unconscious. It’s not something he chooses, but he just feels it.
The other side of the coin is when he has really lost interest and there is a lack of love.
In that case it is possible that he directly stops communicating with you.
And I don’t just mean sitting down to chat, he’ll stop texting you and you might even feel like he’s avoiding you.
If it becomes very extreme, it is possible that he will even be irritable with you and that everything about you annoys him.
6) The pace at which the relationship progresses
If he is afraid of commitment, he may need to go at a different pace than you.
You may feel ready to take the next step, but he still has a lot of questions on his mind.
People with fear of commitment tend to see more what they lose by being in a relationship, than its benefits.
Then he could find himself in an internal debate about whether to continue with you or not, mostly due to his fears. But if he has true feelings for you , they will continue to move forward in the relationship, albeit slowly.
Communication is always an important tool that will help you understand what is happening.
In the case of lack of love, it will be more a matter of not being with the right person.
So the relationship could move quickly or slowly, but there will come a point where it doesn’t feel right.
There will be something inside him (and probably inside you, even if you don’t want to admit it) that tells him you’re not the one for him.
There are relationships that move too fast until they crash, and others that move so slowly that nothing seems to happen.
7) His past gives him away
Lack of commitment is probably not something your guy woke up to with you.
But rather a condition that he has been dealing with forever, or at least for some time.
If he has told you about his repeated problems in previous relationships, due to this characteristic, you already know that he is someone with commitment problems.
Now, if he really cares about you, he will do his best not to repeat history. But surely this will be a great challenge for him.
And if it’s something he wants to change, it might help to look into the causes of those feelings in him. He could ask for professional help, it is not an unusual problem so there are many specialists who could guide him.
The lack of love is not subject to the history of the person. Love is felt or not. It cannot be forced.
A man could fall in love in the past and yet not fall in love with you. Probably because they are not compatible.
He may also be emotionally unavailable, making him unwilling to fall in love.
You will be able to perceive it in the way he treats you. He will not go out of his way for you, he will not feel that there is anything wrong with him. Nor will he try to change the situation since for him everything is fine.
What is the origin of the fear of commitment?
As we mentioned before, behind the fear of commitment, there is a sense of doubt for the person, about whether they have chosen the right option or if they could be missing out on something better.
The causes of fear of commitment are diverse:
- bad experiences in the past
- the fear of rejection
- fear of abandonment or even suffering
- a strong fear of loss of freedom
- misconceptions about what love and relationships are
- immaturity and insecurities
What can you do if you go out with a man who is afraid of commitment, before it’s too late?
1) You don’t want to change it
First of all it is important to mention that there will be nothing you can do if he does not want it.
Wanting to change a person is one of the biggest mistakes we can make. First, because true love is about accepting the other as he is. And at the same time, love ourselves enough to walk away, if the other does not do us good, nor can he offer us what we want.
Then there will only be possibilities to do something, if he wants it.
2) Fear of commitment or lack of it?
You should first make sure that his lack of commitment is not due to a personal choice to reject the commitment.
There are men who just don’t want exclusivity and that is their choice. They are simply single by conviction. It is a valid choice.
This is most likely not what you’re looking for (since you’re reading about fear of commitment) so if you think this is the case for this guy, it’s best to stay away.
3) Invite him to reflect
If you are clear that he has a real interest in you but has shown characteristics of fear of commitment, you can accompany him to deepen his fear.
Some things you might suggest he consider to better understand what he’s feeling:
- Find the true origin of your fear of commitment, (past, previous relationships, family, fear of abandonment, etc.)
- Focus on what the relationship brings you, rather than what you think you lose
- Evaluate what your life would be like with or without your partner in the present and in the future
- Objectively think about the true consequences of making a commitment. Is there a real or imagined cost? Which?
4) If you want it, say it and don’t be afraid
We all feel at some point fear of being vulnerable, it is natural.
But you’re wanting him to get over his fears, so this is a good chance to face yours too.
Tell him what you feel and what you want. You will give him the opportunity to open up.
It is true that they might not be in the same place, but if you think about it, there will be no loss.
2 things could happen:
- They both feel the same way and decide to embark on an adventure beyond their fears.
- They realize they are in different places and can move on
It is true that it can be painful, but it is more painful to insist on wanting to change something that is not going to happen.
It’s the present that counts, if you can’t have what you want now, you shouldn’t waste your time on what “could be.”
5) Don’t wait too long and enjoy your life
It is possible that this man is special to you and that is why you have decided to take the trouble to do everything possible to make things work.
But in the end, for a relationship to work, there must be certain coincidences and a balance between what we give and what we receive.
Give him time and space to clarify his ideas and understand what he feels and wants.
But don’t let this consume you. If you feel that nothing is progressing and that he does not want to commit to you, do not hold him indefinitely.
Go on with your life, enjoy those things that make you happy. Connect with yourself, with your friends and family. Do activities that energize and passionate you.
We attract what we are, so the best thing you can do now is to become that person you want to attract.