Have you never had romantic feelings before? Do you hate and at the same time adore the idea of married life? Are you waiting for love at first sight?
Whether you answer yes or no to these questions, I’m like you! I am all of these at the same time because I have a legitimate interest in love, like all of us.
I am in love, I love. At this moment. All the time. At every moment. Until I forget me.
So there you go, I’m in love and I tell you here how I love.
When I’m in love
Before, for a long time, I thought that being in love, that to love, was to be in love with a person, to love someone.
Today I know that I am in love with a person, a man. I love it. I love him so much, passionately, passionately. To the point of forgetting me.
To the point of sometimes forgetting the love of self, the love of myself. For now, it’s my way of loving, it’s my way of living a romantic relationship.
When I am in love, I have total confidence in the other but at the same time, paradoxically, I am afraid that the person will betray me, I have moments of doubt, even paranoia, I am afraid, afraid of lose love.
When I’m in love, I can be blind and lucid at the same time. When I’m in love, I drown in my emotions.
When I’m in love, I no longer know who I am and who the other is. When I am in love, I can no longer distinguish the other from me.
When I’m in love I want us to be one. One Love.
When I’m in love, it’s him above all, before me. When I’m in love, I don’t say: ”I love you“.
I don’t know how to say: ”I love you“
It is very strange. I don’t know how to say: ”I love you“. I can’t even say it. It makes me suffer.
I wish I could say it out loud because I mean it and I feel it, because I want the people I love to know.
May the love that I have for them be expressed orally with words, with language, and no longer just by gestures, sharing, thoughts and other forms of verbal and non-verbal expression.
Why then do I not know how to say: “I love you”? Or rather that I cannot say it. I go back to the sources. Where I grew up. Those with whom I grew up.
Love has never been expressed to me by a formulation such as “I love you”. My father never told me “I love you”, my mother once told me if I remember correctly.
My sister never got me “I love you”.
Conversely, I never said “I love you” to my father, I once replied to my mother that I loved her, I never said “I love you” nor to my sister nor to my brother. Nor to anyone.
In my romantic relationships, I was content to answer: ”me too“, when the other expresses his love to me by the phrase: ”I love you“. It’s sad.
For me and for those I love. I fail to share my love with this linguistic expression of love.
This is something I want to learn to do and for that I have embarked on psychological therapy.
I also have to cultivate the love of myself to be able to express the love that I have for others.
The fact of not being able to pronounce the words “I love you” is also symptomatic of my communication problems and my communicational awkwardness.
I’m awkwardly in love
And yes, I like awkwardly. I know it and I suffer from it.
I can find myself expressing things that I don’t mean. I can find myself doing things I don’t want to do.
I am clumsy because I reflect myself in the being I love. And the more I love a being, the more I reflect myself in him.
I imagine it’s the same mechanism with objects!
The more I love an object, the more I reflect in it and the more it feels good and gives me pleasure.
No, the reality is not all rosy. Love is built.
