How do you deal with people who need attention all the time? Wanting attention is normal, but wanting too much is often found in toxic and manipulative people. At the bottom of this article, I’m going to give you some tips for identifying people who are more interested in their needs than you are, but before, I’m going to tell you a little personal story.
“Every relationship involves a certain amount of manipulation. The question is how far we let ourselves be manipulated, and by whom. And we can avoid manipulation by switching to cooperation. Sharing. “
– Martin Winckler
Recently, I met a woman. During our first meeting, I noticed that she spoke a lot about herself and I quickly understood that she had a huge need for attention. But hey, it was a great day and I liked it a lot. His sense of humor joined me, physical contact was present and we had several things in common. She told me that she felt good with me and she already anticipated making trips with me and other activities, which made me believe in the opening of a possible romantic relationship . During a week, while waiting for our 2nd meeting, our text exchanges did not give me the impression of the opposite.
I have experienced others in my life and I find it hard to let myself be deluded. One of the most popular topics on this site, unfortunately, is toxic relationships and I spend my days sharing information on social media to help people protect themselves from the manipulators. I have many collaborators on the site who specialize in this kind of problem. My passion is psychology and I have always studied human behavior. In my life, I have dealt with many manipulative people in my personal and professional relationships. I understood my flaws and how malicious people can use them to manipulate me. Over time, rather than seeing myself as a victim, I started to study toxic behaviors and now I can spot them very easily. A bit like Colombo, I seem like nothing, but I observe people and especially those who want to enter my life too quickly.
To come back to my story, during our 2nd meeting, I observed that she was not interested in me, but more in the attention that I gave her and how I could be useful to her. I also noticed that she was more interested in my talent as a webmaster and I have a vague impression of deja vu that she let me believe in a possible relationship so that I help her free to solve her problem with his website.
I no longer felt comfortable in the game of seduction. I noticed that she was taking a victim role in front of her other webmaster. Listening to his story, I got the impression that he also played the card of seduction with him to get a ridiculously low price and that this person understood his game, so he did not deliver the goods. One of my flaws is being a savior in the hope of making me loved. Even if I no longer take on this role of savior in my relationships, because I understood that it was my emotional dependence , I am aware that my energy signature sometimes attracts people who want to use me selfishly to meet their needs.
Before investing in this relationship, since I no longer want to run after love by giving attention that I would only give to a lover, I played cards on the table with her to know exactly what was her interest towards me. She had no love interest, but only friendship. I accept her choice and I told her that I have nothing against being friends and doing activities on occasion, but that I couldn’t give her my full attention as if she were my girlfriend. I also said that I want to have travel plans with a lover, but not with a friend I barely know.
Result, no response and she ignores me ” Ghosting ” without goodbye and without explanation. She probably understood that she would get nothing from me and that I would not meet her needs because I discovered her real intention and saw what was hidden behind her mask. Silence is often a behavior to make us feel guilty , but when you have a good understanding of toxic behavior, you know that it is not a good sign. I have no hard feelings towards her, I just find it cowardly and childish to act in this way and that this kind of reaction is so widespread in society. I do not think he is a bad person, and I wish him much success and happiness.
How do you know if someone is only interested in meeting their own needs?
Since we are human, our judgment is often distorted by our desires, which often prevents us from clearly seeing the reality behind a person’s motivations. The manipulative person tries to influence your behavior, your choices and your actions by letting you subtly believe that you have finally found this person who will meet your needs, without ever really expressing it clearly to leave you in uncertainty. She will use seduction.
“Everyone spends their life learning how to barter. You just have to know who needs what to manipulate people the way you want. “
– Anita Nair
Some people have a natural charm, but the manipulator uses it to achieve its ends. So how do you know quickly if someone is only interested in meeting their own needs?
- It will affect you a lot. Physical contact often gives us the feeling that this person is physically attracted to us, so it fuels our desire for closeness.
- She will compliment you. The objective is the same as physical contact, it gives us the feeling that we like the person.
- She will use mimicry. She will seek to quickly find all the points in common to let us believe that you have found a person who resembles you.
- She always projects the relationship too far. In this way, it makes us believe that the relationship to a possible future.
- It monopolizes the conversation. She often brings the conversations back to herself or changes the subject of the discussion to talk about her own life. However, the manipulator will not reveal too much personal information to us. It only wants to give us information that could influence us in the direction it wants.
- She is only interested in what could be useful for her. If she listens to us talking and asks us questions, it is often to understand what our strengths and weaknesses are and to know what needs she could fill with us.
- It arises in the position of victim. She could complain about her life to win our sympathy and to make us serve her.
- She will keep the relationship ambiguous. She will never say what she expects from your relationship. So it creates a blur in our mind and it makes us much more malleable.
Don’t condemn too quickly, set your limits and watch!
When we have experienced several episodes with manipulative people, we have a tendency to judge and condemn too quickly. This is a mistake since seduction is very much like manipulation. The difference is that seduction with the objective of conquering you and that manipulation with the objective of filling only the needs of the person who exercises it.
Instead of condemning the person, set your limits and clearly define what you expect from this relationship. Consider making sure he / she really knows that there are certain behaviors that you do not tolerate. The person who really cares about you will take this into account.
From experience, the reaction of the person when you set your limits is very evocative of his real intentions. A bit like in my story at the beginning of the article, this woman decided to use silence to manipulate me, probably to make me feel guilty, while I was not closed to maintain a friendship. Suddenly, she condemns herself by acting exactly the way a manipulative person would have acted.
Look for patterns of behavior. If you can predict with certainty how a person will behave to achieve a certain result, you are likely to notice manipulative behavior.