Who says couple does not always say love. And if it cannot be denied that the latter does not always end well, it is nevertheless essential to differentiate it from attachment which is only a pale copy.
This sham feeds on our insecurities , our fear of loneliness, our ego at half mast and our need for security to put on the reassuring costume of love. To avoid these toxic sentimental drifts or to spot them in your partner, here is a small guide to the 5 fundamental differences between love and attachment.
1- Love is disinterested when attachment is selfish
Of course, love goes hand in hand with the ego : we love those who send back a more beautiful image of ourselves, like a distorting mirror of the most flattering. However, the feeling of love goes beyond this simple egocentric quest to take on selflessness. When we truly love, we constantly seek to make the other happy , to respond to their desires, to fulfill their desires and even to anticipate them. It goes from buying his favorite yogurts to helping him realize his dream of going to visit the Sandwich Islands (which he adores just because the name made him laugh when he was a child). And no, we don’t count the points to know who helps the most or who makes the most effort, because it is not a constraint that you impose on yourself, but a natural impulse that pushes you to seek the happiness of your partner.
Attachment, on the contrary, induces a much more vitiated relationship. Unlike love, when you are attached to someone, you are looking for how they can make you happy. This can lead to a strong relationship of dependence on this person whom you have designated by force as the guarantor of your happiness: you can try to manipulate or control them to prevent them from abandoning you. She is only there to fill your existential void and heal your ego wounds, without you having any real consideration for it. You appreciate her for what she brings you and not for the person she is.
2- Love liberates when attachment controls
If we run after love so much, it may be because it gives us an incredible feeling of freedom. While the gaze of the other has always been a reason for censorship , for restriction to avoid judgment, it is benevolent in love. We can have oily hair , speak without embarrassment, and cry without restraint in front of Titanic for the 352 nd time. Your mutual trust even transcends your weaknesses and helps you emancipate yourself from them. On the contrary, because attachment is not disinterested, it is accompanied by a will to certain control: we need to have a lever of action on the behaviors of the other to prevent it from escape its grip. And that and handling …
3- Love makes you grow when attachment handicaps
A healthy and shared love allows the two partners to move forward, to become better versions of themselves by supporting and stimulating themselves. This in fact joins the permanent search for the happiness of the other: we help him to fulfill himself as a person so that he can develop fully. On the contrary, in the case of attachment, your need to control the other and your inability to solve your own problems pull you both down. Entrained in a vicious circle by your emotional manipulation , you can only witness the sinking of your personal lives. If you are unable to determine whether your partner really loves you or if he simply keeps you in his care, ask yourself this question: in theour relationship made me move forward or backward in my life?
4- Love lingers when attachment only passes
We are not going to pretend that love always lasts , or even that it lasts three years. But what is certain is that a true feeling of love is not fleeting: it is based on solid foundations – a deep attachment and mutual respect for example – which cannot be undone in a few weeks. As for attachment, do not trust its name: by the very fact of its definition, it is accompanied by a force of detachment . Indeed, when we love the other for what he brings us and not what he is, he is easily interchangeable …
5- Love soothes your ego when attachment exacerbates it
Love is very selfish, but it is a selfishness for two , towards the rest of the world. A beautiful romantic relationship allows you to become less focused on yourself, encouraging you to become more loving and generous to maintain your bond . By opening yourself to the other, by confiding your weaknesses and by mutually emphasizing your strengths, love positively nourishes and soothes your ego, like a ferocious beast sated.
Attachment plays on a completely opposite dynamic: it does not calm your ego but increases it tenfold, placing you in a position of domination and control where you play with your other half as with a puppet, in order to help you overcome your insecurities. This gives you a feeling of often unconscious satisfaction, mixed with an increased dependence on the one who gives you this exhilarating feeling of power. Beware …