Do you tend to have unsuccessful romantic relationships ?
- who often do not go beyond the stage of seduction?
- that end in an unwanted breakup ?
- or which, when the relationship continues and can last, gives you great emotional pain ?
What if the cause of your romantic failures was emotional dependence ?
What is emotional dependence?
To be emotionally dependent is to be needy towards one or more people in particular, well defined people, as for example
- a lover,
- a husband,
- a child,
- a parent,
- a friend).
An emotional addict is not an “addict” to everyone. It is only towards the person or people who, according to his perception, give him the illusion that it is thanks to their presence in his life that he can feel good and happy . She believes that her life cannot be meaningful without the person to whom she is addicted .
This addiction is particularly noticeable in romantic relationships. But this addiction can manifest itself in any other kind of relationship. Moreover, it is first experienced in parent / child relationships since it originates there. What is experienced later in romantic relationships is already a repetitive pattern of situations experienced originally in parent / child relationships.
Here are some examples of attitudes symbolizing emotional dependence:
- You are in a relationship and you are constantly afraid that he will leave you , fear of break-up , therefore fear of being abandoned .
- In relationships, you often feel frustrated because you feel like you are giving more than you receive in return.
- You tend to attract partners who do not commit .
- You tend to attract toxic partners , such as narcissistic perverts , manipulators , alcoholics , violent people, etc.
- You are convinced that in a couple relationship one belongs to the other .
- You have the belief that in a couple one is responsible for the happiness of the other and that therefore, your happiness depends on certain attitudes of your partner towards you showing you the interest that you hope for.
- You are convinced that your life would have no meaning without a romantic relationship and without the partner to which you are addicted.
- You are jealous and possessive and you believe that this attitude is a proof of love towards your partner.
- You are unhappy in your relationship as a couple but you stay there for fear of not getting out of it financially and materially.
- You are the type to invade your texting partner throughout the day and get stressed when you do not have an answer from him.
- You are the type to frantically frequent dating sites in search of the “good person” who will come to save you from your loneliness .
How do you become emotionally dependent?
Affective dependence is an emotional injury , activated in humans between the ages of 0 and 3 years.
It is an injury that is particularly experienced with the parent of the opposite s*x , but we can observe exceptional cases where the injury is also experienced with the parent of the same s*x, when the latter assumes a role rather attributed to the parent of the opposite s*x.
The first characteristic of emotional dependence
The first characteristic of emotional dependence is the fear of abandonment .
The child will feel abandoned by the parent of the opposite s*x, either because the latter has physically left the family home, or because he is often absent physically and emotionally .
The child could also have experienced a traumatic circumstance , according to his interpretation , which activated in his mind the fear of being abandoned.
Our subconscious does not differentiate between the real and the imaginary .
This is why, it is important to integrate that it is the perception of the child and not the behavior of the parent in question which will generate and nourish the fear of abandonment in the mind of the child.
The child will therefore build himself up with this fear of being abandoned and he will feed it by repeating it throughout his life , including in his romantic relationships, until he becomes aware of it.
The second characteristic of emotional dependence
The second characteristic is the lack of love.
From a very young age we are conditioned to disconnect from the natural love that is in us and to adhere to the idea that is taught to us by society, that the love we need comes from outside , that is to say of others.
This is how gradually we disconnect from our natural love and we begin to be lacking and to seek to fill this lack from the outside. We gradually become what we believe we must be to please those around us in order to obtain from them this love that has been “promised” to us. We do not realize that by behaving in this way, we are denying ourselves . And it is this denial of Self that leads us to become beings empty of love and cut off from their natural source.
Therefore, we will never feel loved to meet our needs by others. People around us love us, but they love us in their own way, not the way we want them to be. The only person who can bring us the love we want is ourselves ! And it is by ceasing to deny ourselves that we can restore this lost natural love .
This creates an endless vicious circle . Our void is growing. This is why, when we enter into a relationship, we enter it with a void to be filled , being convinced that the role of the other is to fill this void in us.
But the other is our mirror , he has received the same teaching as us and he too has a void in him to fill.
The reality is that neither has the power to fill the void.
We do not know how to love!
We have learned that the purpose of the relationship is to love the other so that the other loves us in return. But how can we love each other when we are empty of love?
We cannot give what we do not have!
3 keys to get out of emotional dependence
1) It is imperative to integrate that no partner will ever come to save you from your emotional dependence. The only person who can do it is yourself .
2) Your greatest need is to learn to feel secure on your own . And it is only by facing your fear of loneliness that you will succeed.
3) You need to learn to love yourself so that you don’t depend on the illusory love of others. It is by learning to build a healthy relationship with yourself , by giving yourself the most important place in your life, that you will be able to restore in yourself, the lost natural love.
Conclusion on emotional dependence
In conclusion, your romantic relationships do not fail .
They are simply an experience revealing your lack of love for yourself.
In this sense they are a huge gift that reflects the love you need to learn to give yourself.
If you want to one day live a lasting , harmonious and fulfilling couple relationship , you must first succeed in building this same relationship with yourself.
To be happy as a couple, it is first necessary to learn to be happy on your own.