You have a taste for things well done, and this is also true in love. You left nothing to chance: you religiously watched all seasons of S e x & the City , taking notes each time Carrie Bradshaw opened her mouth. You have sifted through all the advice from Bridget Jone s and your girlfriends and on the recommendations of your mother, you have even learned to check your astrological compatibility – you never know.
And yet nothing helps, you go from failed relationships to failed relationships. To the point where you are now convinced that you are just as bad in love as you were in math in high school. But rather than despair by imagining what it feels like, to be devoured by your cats after his death, ask yourself the right questions: why do you always find yourself in doomed relationships?
Because when it comes to feelings, it is sometimes complicated to see clearly. Too often we weigh down the love of the weight of our egos and our insecurities, going so far as to stifle our instinct or our common sense. Facing each other, it is our fears, our wounds and our past that speak, and sometimes even, lead the dance without our knowledge.
It is therefore important, before throwing your head down in a relationship, to work on yourself in order to better understand your reactions. If you do not clarify your expectations, it will be difficult to find a partner who can meet them. So here are some questions to ask yourself in order to target which man is right for you: it’s time to approach your next relationships in a healthier way – and therefore, perhaps also more lasting.
1- What do you expect from a relationship?
In fact, entering a relationship without having identified your expectations in love is like going to a restaurant, waiting for someone to take you a dish without having looked at the menu … and blaming the waiter who brings you fish while you hate it. If you want to be satisfied by going to a restaurant, you have to decide which dish you want to eat. If you want to be happy in love, you have to choose which relationship is right for you .
So make a list, putting all your current goals in love. You must target what is important to you: throw yourself into the deep end of serious relationships and set out to conquer the holy trinity of house-marriage-children, feel protected, feel free and unconstrained in an open relationship …
When you go on a date, keep the three goals on this list most important to you: you are more likely to find what you are looking for if you are aware of it!
2- What are the things you cannot tolerate in a man?
Imagine that you are allergic to strawberries: you are not going to force yourself to eat them every day just to see if you get used to making angioedema . And yet, in love, that’s what we do. Entangled in our feelings, we put ourselves with partners who do not suit us – and we know it perfectly. But save yourself time and tears: you can’t put up with certain things, even out of love. There are major incompatibility criteria that will always catch up with us.
To avoid this kind of cul-de-sac, make a list of everything you don’t want to have to endure in a man , all that, if you peeled his profile on a dating site, would tip him over to the side of “no” absolute. Addiction problems, married men , too old, engaged in causes that make you unbearable … As for the previous question, this reflection will allow you to approach a man with clear limits in mind, and not to embark on sinister stillborn relationships.
3- What are the things in a man that could lead you to be cautious?
Just after having survived the explosion of a bomb placed in his car by Czechoslovak resistance fighters, the Nazi leader Heydrich died because of a horsehair . Although slightly injured, the horsehair used to stuff the car seat returned to his wounds and caused sepsis. Moral of the story: the most minor injury can have dramatic consequences if left untreated. And the same goes for a couple: some little things can take on huge proportions if you don’t adjust them.
Thinking about your past relationships, note all the discomfort, the minor obstacles that you encountered and that could have gangrene your relationships: a difficulty in communicating , someone too secretive, who is not very interested in your friends and your family, excess of insurance, galloping jealousy … Draw up a list of lines not to cross, warning signs to which you will have to react if you detect them in your partner. This will allow you to set limits: the goal is to talk to your partner, explain to him and see how he reacts. If you have a positive discussion about this, it is a very good sign for your couple!
4- What character traits do you find attractive in someone?
After targeting what you didn’t want, it’s time to focus on what you are looking for. Your previous relationships may have failed because you were missing something. It is not enough to come across “the perfect man” par excellence; it must be perfect for you.
You may want him to be particularly funny , to be able to talk about everything, to be sporty, to be protective, or on the contrary, to trust you and leave you free. There are a thousand ways to love, and to find the ideal man, you need to know which one makes you the happiest. Think about your best times with your past partners, what made you fall in love with them. Look for constants, character traits or behaviors that particularly appeal to you . It is also by establishing what you need, what makes you vibrate, that you will be able to find men who suit you better.