In the face of excessive manipulation, we are often tempted to resort to solutions to procrastinate or calm things that are inevitably doomed to failure.
Here is a quick overview of the false good relationship ideas not to do with manipulators.
Manipulation and grip
You may have identified someone in your professional circle or in your private life whose overly manipulative behavior makes your relationship particularly repulsive and stressful.
The problem is, this person is close to you. And that engenders in you many contradictory and muddled feelings which often result in benevolent temptations to preserve the relationship.
You have tried a lot of things, like being empathetic, setting limits, expressing factual truths, analyzing your emotions … Being aware of your share of responsibility, you even did an introspection to understand how you go about it. living such a bad relationship. And nothing helps, in the presence of the other person, you question yourself all the time, you feel uncomfortable …
This person has real talent. Behind her kind airs to whom we would give everything, she manages to destabilize your self-esteem, to make you doubt yourself, and make you feel guilty. When you are with this person, you feel trapped by their demands, you think that you will never be right, that you are and never will be up to the task.
You are in the grip of this toxic person, and maybe even casually, you always do a little more in the hope of satisfying him/her, of buying yourself some respite, a little social peace? Perhaps the more this person devalues you, the more you strive to try to please him …
It is time to face it: you are in a relationship with a manipulator, a real one, even a masterful, a pathological one. Here are 6 most common mistakes in relationships where there is excessive manipulation that are so many strategies doomed to failure and real ways to fall into a whirlwind that will never end of devaluation, loss of esteem. of oneself, of foul-smelling relationships, and which will transform you into a nice little animal at the mercy of the predator.
You want to play the saviors
This manipulative person is dear to you, or you are very sensitive. And with your good heart, you want to save this manipulator from himself by making him aware of his mode of operation and its harmful consequences, for his relationships, for him, for you, and for the world in general. Let’s be blunt, the noble altruism that drives you especially makes you dive headfirst into the nets of your beloved manipulator!
Note first that this altruism has, as often, the color of a personal interest (not to say selfishness) disguised as good intentions, intended to avoid you the obvious, which requires concrete action to set limits. or even get out of the relationship.
Stop wasting your time and energy trying to explain things to them and the consequences of their actions. At best, this person is in total denial and will not listen to you, at worst they will show limitless bad faith and never admit even the most blatant of the obvious, including at the cost of lies without any shame or guilt.
Either way, it’s a dead-end that sucks your energy and takes a lot of time.
You find him excuses
Because he is a close person, because hierarchical superiority is important to you, or because you know that his manipulative attitudes are caused by great suffering, you are looking for excuses for him.
- “He or she was brought up like this”
- “It’s not his fault, he is not aware of the harm it does to me”
The more you excuse him, the more power you give him over you by finding acceptable behaviors that are not acceptable and that have only one goal: to put you under his control.
As ineffective as possible, it is a method that locks you into a poisoned relationship that denies your needs.
you try to fight
Do you think about facing it by taking power over him in your turn, in a version of the sprinkler that will allow you to get rid of his behavior? As long as you are a normally constituted person, with his qualities and faults, you will never be able to win against a true manipulator. You are not fighting in the same category. It is a heavyweight that crushes everything in its path.
Believing that you will manage to silence him or get the better of him is bordering on naivety.
On the other hand, this desire to gain the upper hand reflects a fragility of self-esteem which is expressed by the temptation of the domineering ego, while it is much more productive to go and strengthen your self-esteem, this will prevent you from letting yourself be drawn into hopeless and demeaning fights.
You let him do it
Bored, you ended up telling yourself that it is easier to accept his requests, to give in to his most questionable demands, to ignore his demeaning thoughts, to let him say it, to let it be. It saves you his anger, his fits and it allows you to quickly move on.
Ultra classic and horribly expensive mistake of short-sightedness, because every time you give in, you may gain a little respite, but above all you give it a little more power, you lose a little more autonomy, a little more free will, you lock yourself in a prison that will leave you without energy, even in loss of identity.
You believe that this person will manage to change
Hope gives life, and in this case, it will make you live in the illusory expectation of a better world, authorized for others, inaccessible to you.
Let us remember a basic philosophico-psychological principle: “when you’re stupid, you’re stupid”. Maybe one day your personal jerk will have a realization that will propel him into a shrink’s waiting room and gradually gain in self-esteem what he loses in his desire to dominate, to control, to own. Perhaps. But as a top-flight manipulator, it’s so unlikely that betting on it is a bit like relying on the Euromillion for income.
This passive hope is the best way to surrender to the loss of autonomy and self-esteem.
Only one possible solution is available to you: get out of the relationship
We cannot repeat it enough: there is only one solution to excessive, narcissistic or perverse manipulation: to flee this relationship.
While this solution may seem unsatisfactory when there are feelings in the relationship, it is essential to realize that the manipulator is a limitless predator who has no real feelings for you, but just the will to own you, and control you. Even if that person gives you big, dripping speeches, especially when you get upset.
The case of relationships that cannot be avoided
The only relationships that cannot be avoided are professional relationships: sometimes we don’t choose the people we work with. Being in a professional relationship with a manipulative colleague is a special case to be handled with care …
Family relationships are not an obligation and we can end them as we see fit as with any romantic or friendly relationship. It’s just a little more complicated because of the guilt of social morality.
Are you a victim?
When one has been the prey of a manipulative person of the narcissistic or perverse type, the reconstruction of oneself, of their autonomy and of their emotional independence is a primordial stage, which is in the field of psychology.