If you think your marriage is beyond saving, it’s time to rethink that opinion.
The expert techniques below will help you save your marriage.
You probably think your marriage needs saving if you’re panicked about what’s going on and have no hope of ever being able to change the situation for the better.
The good news is that anger and hopelessness can offer clues to saving your marriage.
These bad feelings can help you clarify what you want.
Let’s focus on how to use these negative emotions to guide you towards a better relationship in your marriage.
Most couples who go to therapy are chronically angry with their partner and have no hope of overcoming the challenges of the relationship.
Many are considering the option of divorce.
After they go home with the seven effective pieces of advice below, their marriage takes a turn for the better.
Here are the seven recommended paths:
1. Make a list of all the problems you complain about and feel like you have no more hope.
Anger doesn’t mean it’s time to fight.
Hopelessness doesn’t mean you should just give up on saving your marriage and file for divorce.
Anger and hopelessness indicate that there is a problem, a hole in the way of your marriage.
So start by asking yourself, “What are the specific details that I feel angry about and that I don’t have any hope of resolving?”
Write a list of all the problems that are causing you to fight with your husband.
Include in your list all the things your husband complains about as well.
2. Instead of focusing on him, shift the focus to you.
Notice that when you feel angry, your focus tends to be on your husband, on what he does or doesn’t do that makes you frustrated and nervous.
This second step requires a shift in focus, the focus will shift from external (your husband) to internal (your own desires and concerns).
Go back to your list and ask yourself, “Regarding this problem, what do I want?” or “what is my concern?”
Check each item several times carefully.
Are you writing what you want your spouse to do differently?
If you’re writing “I want him to do… let him start to…”, you still need to shift focus.
Just list “I want…” for example, “I want him to stop being so disorganized and start cleaning up everything he messes up” — here you are focusing on your husband.
“I want to make the spaces where I spend my time cleaner and more organized, like the kitchen or the living room”.
Attempts to get your partner to change make room for defensive behavior.
This strategy will get you nowhere.
Instead, use your energy to figure out what you want and then what you can do differently yourself to get it, this is being self-centered at its best.
When a husband or wife looks for what they can do differently themselves to get what they want, progress appears.
Use visualization techniques to help you implement these first two steps to saving your marriage.
Visualizing gives you the power to see deep down into your subconscious thoughts.
Just close your eyes.
3. The Barbs You Exchange Don’t Help Anything.
Negative comments about your husband to his face are not going to change him.
So never again make any criticism, complaint, blame, accusations, anger, or sarcasm.
Never raise your voice again.
Stay in the peaceful zone.
Get out of an argument quickly and always before he does if the mood starts to heat up.
Keep calm so that when you interact with him again, you can talk in a calm and collaborative way.
Marriage researcher John Gottman found that marriages generally survive if the ratio of good to bad interactions is five to one.
But do you want to survive or do you want an extraordinary marriage?
If success is your goal, aim for a ratio of 1 million to one.
4. Express Your Concerns Constructively And Make Decisions Collaboratively.
A simple way to be constructive in sensitive conversations is to choose one of the following phrases: “I feel (followed by a one-word adjective)”; “My concern is…” or “I would like to…”.
Understanding each other’s concerns is essential for both of you to start having an environment where everyone wins.
The goal here is to achieve solutions that please both.
Stop trying to make everything your way.
Instead, seek comfort for both parties.
Both he and you should be comfortable with your plan of action.
To accomplish this, notice that you have differences, which will likely be evident because you are arguing or hopeless.
Express your concerns that are not visible.
Ask about your husband’s concerns and make a list of all those concerns.
Then create an action plan for their concerns.
5. Eliminate AVRs That Destroy Relationships.
Lovers, and excess anger are the marriage destroyers.
These three elements are outside the bounds of a healthy marriage.
If you’re involved in one of these relationship-destroying habits, eliminate that habit from your life.
If it’s your husband who has this problem, trying to save your marriage can be a mistake.
Your options are: build a new kind of marriage where none of this happens… or end the marriage.
6. Radically Increase The Positive Energies You Convey To Your Partner.
Smile more, hug more, admit to him more, spend more time talking about the things you like about him, help him more, agree with him more, and do more fun things together.
The best things in life are free.
The more positive things you give, the more positive things you will receive.
7. Learn The Skills To Have A Successful Marriage.
Do you think you can fly a plane without training first?
Buy marriage books and courses and learn the communication and conflict resolution skills for a successful marriage.
With this seven-step plan, you will find that anger and hopelessness will actually lead your marriage to succeed.