Broken hearts take time to heal, but there are tried and true ways to help the process. Are you trying to get over a breakup? Consider this your survival kit.
1. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you want something you really don’t want
I remember when I was younger and regretted losing my partner, who I had broken up with for a multitude of good reasons. I sobbed uncontrollably as I compared myself to the unknown entity of a woman he now planned to marry.
I was sure that she must have some magic ingredient that I did not have. After all, she got the boy.
Of course, what I was neglecting when comparing myself to her was taking time to realize that I didn’t really love the boy. After all, she had broken up with him. The ego likes to trick us into thinking that we have been harmed, when in fact, it may well have been better to have separated.
2. Don’t tell yourself stories that use definitive words like “always”, “everyone”, “nobody” or “never”
These words cast a judgment spell that you cannot possibly know is true and cause you pain. I will never find love. “I’ll stay alone forever”. “They all cheat on me.” “Nobody will love me.” When you repeat language like this, these thoughts become a belief system that you align your behavior with. These behaviors can turn these limiting thoughts into a self-fulfilling reality.
Instead, align your words and thoughts with what you want to be true. I’m going to get over this. “I deserve true love.”
3. Don’t keep obsessively texting and calling your ex-boyfriend
This behavior reeks of desperation and overbearing need or control, neither of which are powerful positions for communication. Communicate when there is something needed to communicate. If you hope to get back with your ex, get together and then present your case. Your weaker, messier self is not your most attractive person.
4. Don’t listen to music or watch movies that feed the belief that you can’t survive without that other person
Our music and entertainment are full of messages that reinforce the belief that we cannot live without another person, or that we have no value, or less, as one person.
Music is a powerful input mechanism, so choose carefully the music that supports your strength and ability, rather than the other way around.
Consider what you really expect as a result here. Do you expect to find him miserable to feel better? Guaranteed, that when you post your happy photos with someone else you’re only going to feed your heartbreak, rather than cure it. Focus on finding your own happiness, don’t sabotage it .
6. Don’t blame or conspire. Take responsibility
When we are hurt, we tend to want to put everyone on our side by speaking negatively about the other person and telling us how they hurt us. Retelling the story over and over again not only keeps us trapped in pain, it also prevents us from moving on.
Dragging mutual friends into our drama also puts them in the awkward position of having to take sides, often from a flawed or one-sided perspective.
If you need to talk to someone, talk to someone who elevates your outlook, not someone who helps you stir up the drama. Take responsibility for your part in what happened, this is how you release luggage instead of transporting it.
7. Don’t focus on what you lost. Focus on what you learned
We have the opportunity to learn from everyone we meet, especially those we love. Ask yourself, what did you learn about yourself from this relationship? What have you learned from the breakup? What will you do differently in the future?
8. Don’t learn the wrong lesson
Every time someone tells me they learned to “not trust” or “not love” from a relationship that went wrong, I encourage them to look again. The lesson may be to practice more diligence or discernment or to pay better attention to the quality of a relationship, but I just don’t think less love and trust is the answer.
See if you can transform your broken heart into an open heart.