To my dear addiction partner,
What I’m about to say is something I never told you and never admitted, because that would have ended this game of which I am the eternal winner and which is my main source of fun in life – a game that forced you to carry all the burdens inherent in our relationship.
And therein lies the whole point.
When I say “I love you”, it is to show you my gratitude for the efforts that you provide so that I feel like the center of your universe and that I am happy and especially because you never expect to me to return the favor.
I like the ease with which I take advantage of your kindness and all your little attentions. I love the pleasure I feel when I feel more important than you, taking every opportunity to make you feel the insignificance and smallness of your existence.
I like the feeling that I feel at the mere thought of your weakness, your vulnerability and your psychological malleability. I like to look with contempt on your innocence and your childish credulity, signs of your weakness.
I like what I feel knowing that, through manipulation, I manage to avoid talking about these subjects that you would so much like to discuss. I love my ability to make you feel “insane” when you ask me questions or address topics that don’t interest me, which only lowers your expectations of me while I raise mine.
I love the ease with which I make sure that you only focus on my pain and how to relieve it (but never on yours). I also like to happen (whatever you do) to provoke in you the feeling of never being good enough, loved enough, respected enough or appreciated, etc. (Unhappiness loves company.)
(It’s not about closeness, empathy, the emotional bond you want or the things I did that would hurt or embarrass you, or the short amount of time I spend with you and children, etc. This is my status and the work I do to keep you in your place, in pain, focused on mine and preventing you from feeling valued. I am superior to you and I am the one who is entitled to all the pleasure, admiration and comfort that exists in our relationship, remember?)
“I love you” means that I like what I feel when you are with me, more precisely that I like the idea of considering you as my personal property, a property that I own. It’s like driving a luxury car… I like the way you raise my status in the eyes of others, letting them know that I am the best. I like the idea of others being jealous of my possessions.
I love this power which allows me to force you to work tirelessly to prove your love and your devotion to me. I like this power which allows me to constantly force you to question yourself on what you must do to “prove” your loyalty to me.
“I love you” means that I love how I feel when I am with you. Because of the large number of times I hate and look down on others, my mirror neurons take care of constantly making me feel hateful to myself. So, I like my capacity to love myself through you and to hate you because I depend on you and also on others, for everything.
I like that you are present and that I can blame you whenever I feel the “need”. My contempt for you seems to protect me from something I would hate to admit: my dependence on you, the only one capable of “nourishing” my feeling of superiority, of legitimacy; the only one capable of preserving my illusion of power.
(Nothing makes me feel more fragile and vulnerable than losing control over things that can tarnish my image and my superiority, like when you ask me about the way I treat you. As if you still don’t understand that, the fact that you accept to be the object of my pleasure, makes me happy, regardless of how I treat you or the children.
All of this is proof of my superiority over the world. Remember that you are mine. My job is to teach you to hate and disdain those “silly” things that only “weak” people need, such as intimacy or other sentimental things. And besides, if I am familiar with this “work”, it is because my childhood taught me to do these things myself, internally.
I rejoice in pleasure (a further proof of my superiority) at the idea of being able to destabilize you so easily, to make you mad because you do not get from me what you want, to make you repeat yourself, to make you say and do things that you will hate yourself for later (because of your “kindness”!)
You can be sure that I will provoke you with each of the things you say, each of your complaints and your wounds, so that you keep going in circles, trying to explain yourself, doubting yourself, being troubled and trying to figure out why I don’t get it.
(There is nothing to understand! To understand, you would have to see things from my point of view, not yours! It is my job to be completely disinterested in your emotional needs , your wounds, your desires, to deviate from it and punish yourself accordingly, until you learn your “lesson” as follows: stay in your place of inanimate object, of movable property having no other desires than that of serving my pleasure, my comfort, and never having an opinion on how I treat you.)
The fact that you are still not able to understand this, even after all the abuse that I have inflicted on you is for me proof of my genetic superiority. According to my rules of the game, those with superior genes are never nice, except to attract and trap their victims!
I like being able to undermine your sense of security in the blink of an eye, especially by paying attention to other women (or in general, to friends, family members, children, etc. The list is endless. )
Highlight what you cannot get from me, provoke you, force yourself to beg me to give you what I give so easily to others (the expression of my feelings or my affection, compliments) and you Forcing me to ask you why this is so easy gives me such power that I rejoice in it (especially by contemplating your disgust).
I like this power which allows me to force you to come back to me every time you threaten to leave, by throwing you a few crumbs and by seeing how easily I can convince you to trust me, thanks to my charm, by making you think that this time I’m going to change.
“I love you” means I need you, because because of the hatred I have, I need someone who will not abandon me, whom I can use like a sufferer -pain and to whom I can instill a feeling of discomfort, to feel good.
(This is how I make myself happy and I manage to calm down; by denying the terrible feelings that I carry in myself and that I hope never to have to recognize, never. I hate any sign of weakness in me , that’s why I hate you, as well as everyone I consider inferior, stupid, weak, etc.)
“I love you” means that I like to arrange and then shape your thoughts and beliefs, control your mind, so that you think of me as your miracle, your savior, a source of life and sustenance which you depend and who you always come back to, no matter how far you try to get away.
I like to feel like a god by forcing you to focus (even being obsessed) on how you will make me feel revered and worshiped, sacrificing everything for me and so that I don’t condemn you, that I don’t don’t go look elsewhere. I like to be the only one who has the right to administer punishments and rewards as I see fit.
I like the way I can use my power to keep you on the ground, make you doubt, force you to question yourself and force you to question your mental health, obsessed with the idea of explaining you (whether with me or others). I like to force you to profess your loyalty, to ask yourself what is wrong with you (instead of realizing that … You cannot make someone happy who derives his pleasure and his strength only from the pain that ‘it inflicts on others … And on you!)
“I love you” means that I like what I feel when I look at myself through your admiring eyes, that you are the drug of my well-being, my devoted public, my biggest fan and admirer, etc. You, your admiring gaze as well as the fact that you consider me as your inexhaustible, omniscient and all-powerful source of knowledge are my drug of choice.
(You may have noticed how susceptible I become as soon as a questioning arises; yes, I hate this fragility felt by thinking that, you or the world could judge me as having failed to maintain my possessions in The right way).
And I love it, no matter how much you beg and beg me for my love, my admiration and to feel valued in return. None of this will happen if I keep control. Why will I let this happen, when I am dependent on the pleasure I feel in depriving you of everything that would allow you to take off and therefore risk taking you away from me?
It is a great pleasure for me not to give you what you want, the tenderness that you need and that you claim and to break all your dreams and your loopholes, then to tell me: “I succeeded”.
I like being able to tame your attempts to understand myself by controlling your mind, in particular by bringing back each “discussion” about the things that are wrong with you, about your inability to appreciate me and to give me the feeling of being loved , to be pretty good – and of course, remembering all that I did for you and how ungrateful you are.
I also love the way I skillfully manipulate other people’s opinions about you, getting them to take sides with me, the “good” man and turn against you the “bad”, portraying you as a vulnerable woman , eternally dissatisfied, always complaining, selfish, domineering, etc.
I love the ease with which I say “no” to anything that might make you feel valuable and exist in our relationship, with more and more excuses that keep me focused on my needs, my desires, my difficulties or my pain.
I like to feel that I have your thoughts, your ambitions and I like to make sure that your wants and needs are only related to your desire not to upset me and to make me happy.
I love being the drug you need, no matter how badly I mistreat you and the signs that your addiction is draining your life energy, the more time passes, the more you risk losing it that is important to you, including the people you love, who love you and who support you.
I like my ability to isolate you those able to “feed” you and break the spell and I like to force you to be wary of them, so that you conclude that no one other than me don’t want you.
I like my ability to force you to think that by being with you and throwing you a few crumbs, I’m doing you a favor. Like a black hole, the void inside me constantly needs to suck your life and your breath, something I long for like a drug addict unable to be satiated, struggling to get supplies and hating the idea of sharing.
Even if I hate you, you and my addiction to your kind attention; my despair urges me to look at myself through your beautiful indulgent eyes, always ready to admire me, to worship me, to forgive myself, to apologize, to believe my lies and to fall into my traps.
I like that you tell me how much I hurt you, not knowing that for me, it’s like a free market study, which allows me to measure the effectiveness of my tactics intended to increase your pain and to make so you stay focused on appeasing mine – so that I’m always the winner of this competition – making sure that you never weaken (control me) with your love and your stories sentimental proximity.
In short, when I say “I love you”, it is my ability to remain a mystery that you will never solve because of all these things that you do not know (and that you refuse to see) that I love. Mainly, the fact that the only one who can win this game is the one who knows the “rules”.
My power is due to the fact that I make sure that you will never succeed in persuading me to join you in a relationship of mutual aid because, in my vision of the world, to be vulnerable, to express myself, to be kind, to be benevolent, to show empathy and innocence are signs of weakness, evidence of inferiority.
Thank you but no thank you, I am resolved to be the winner, constantly vying for the first prize, jubilant of my narcissistic abilities to be heartless, insensitive, cold, calculating … and to be proud of it. I am determined to make sure that nothing comes in the way of my need for a feeling of superiority.
Braking love forever,
Your narcissistic pervert.