The first few days of dating someone are definitely exciting – you might feel a little confused, but in a good way!
The guy you like seems to like you too. Until suddenly he starts getting cold with you out of nowhere.
It’s very confusing when a man who liked you starts getting cold with you, and you may be left wondering:
a) Why was he like that?
b) what can you do to get things on track?
Lucky for you, we did the heavy lifting and put together a guide of your passion for an emotional roller coaster.
7 reasons why he might be cold to you:
1. He’s not sure how he feels.
For all the bad reasons he might be messing you up, let’s start with the most obvious – he might not really know where he is or how he feels about you.
This is not personal; It could be for several different reasons!
Maybe he’s just gotten out of a relationship or hasn’t dated much and is torn between being genuinely interested and a little nervous.
We all have the right to make up our own minds, and he might be taking too long with that!
If he sometimes likes you, it’s clear that there’s something between the two of you.
He may be pulling away and getting cold from time to time because he’s still not 100% sure how he feels and doesn’t want to fool you by being too cunning.
2. He’s trying to play it cool.
We’re not big fans of mind games, but he can be.
If he’s been slow to respond at times but then seems overjoyed to see you, he might just be trying to play it cool.
Instead of sounding “very interested,” he lags a little behind. This could be because he’s not sure how you feel or because he’s used to having to play some games.
He may also think that this is the best way to do it, as it has worked for him in the past.
Whatever he’s doing, if he’s “hot” sometimes, this man is interested in you somehow!
3. He’s keeping you interested by being mean!
Another day, another game. It’s frustrating, but it’s worth considering that this is something he’s doing on purpose.
The more the guy acts “cold”, the more you want him to be “hot” with you again. This means that you are essentially waiting for him to want you and for him to come to you.
As such, you are giving him a lot of power and the ball is definitely in your court. It also means that you are becoming even more interested in him, simply because he seems less interested in you.
Reverse psychology works like a charm, right?
4. He is doing the same to someone else.
It’s not something you want to hear, we know, but you have to take it for granted.
If he’s all over you one minute and very far away the next, there’s a chance he’s pulling you – as well as someone else.
He might be finding it hard to keep seeing the two of you, which is why he’s so indecisive with you. He is distracted because his attention is also focused on someone else.
This may explain why he is very confused in how he talks to you – you might notice that he gets a little confused at times when he’s with you, or he’s acting surreptitiously with his phone when you’re around.
If you’re suspicious and something isn’t right, it could be because he’s also doing it with another girl.
5. It has nothing to do with you – there is something else going on.
As much as a man likes you, he’s still human. If he’s been a little confused recently, try giving him a break. He may be very busy or have a lot going on in his life.
It’s hard to remember this when you’re expecting a text back or a romantic gesture, but he may have other things on his mind.
And even though he likes you, you might not be his priority yet. This is normal, and even if it’s a little disappointing, you have to accept that you’re not at that stage yet.
He is allowed to answer you sometimes and spend his energies on other things in his life.
6. He’s trying to take things slow.
He seems to love hanging out with you and things are going great – so why does he then walk away and be quiet with you for a few days?
There’s a chance he’s just trying to slow things down with you. He may sincerely like you, but not be ready for the next stage, whatever it is between the two of you.
If you’ve just started dating and he’s playing the game of hot and cold with you, he might just be trying to control things.
He may be worried that if you rush things or see yourself “too much” in the first few days, things will burn out quickly and it will be over before it can really start.
To you, this might seem silly – if you like someone, you want to see them, right? For him, he might not feel ready to commit just yet!
Maybe he started dating without really expecting to like someone right away, and now he’s really thinking about settling down with you, but wants to take it easy.
He may have had serious relationships in the past and not be ready to jump right into anything just yet, so sometimes he pulls away just to slow down and make sure he’s comfortable with what’s going on between the two of you.
7. He has changed his mind and is not interested.
Eurgh, this is rubbish! We hate to say it, but you need to think through all the options here.
If the man you’re interested in seems to pay attention to you at one point and another is already being cold again, then he may have changed his mind about you and isn’t sure how to end it.
It’s not cool, we know, but that’s how some guys deal with it. He may have changed his mind for a number of reasons, so try not to get hurt over it or feel uninterested or boring!
He may have just realized that he’s not as interested as he thought, or he may have discovered that you’re not very compatible.
That might explain his behavior – he feels bad about being cold, so he’s really nice to you. Then he panics that he’s cheating on you, so he walks away again. This results in the hot and cold relationship you have at the moment. And it literally becomes a game.
How do you deal with a man who is cold to you?
So, you’ve come to a conclusion as to why he’s being so weird to you – but then what?
It can be difficult to know how to deal with a man who gives you mixed signals, so we suggest some options you can explore.
1. Try to stay calm and steady.
Nobody likes games – even this man probably doesn’t like it very much!
If you start pushing him away and acting cold towards him, he’ll likely get confused and decide that the effort isn’t worth the effort. The more immaturely you react when you really like him, the more likely he is to leave.
Instead, stay calm! Nothing really happened to blow things up, so try to see this from a more relaxed perspective.
He may just be busy with other things or insecure about how he feels about you. These aren’t life-changing things, and if things are made to work out between the two of you, they will.
By staying relaxed and at the same time interested in him, he’ll realize that you’re not easily knocked down – and that you’re not someone who’s going to put too much pressure on him!
The more relaxed he is with you, the more likely he is to come back and become more stable with you.
If you were stressed about work and the person you were dating got really hostile and dropped out, you probably wouldn’t enjoy hanging out with them anymore, right?
That’s because no one wants additional stress in their lives. If you can calmly let him know that you are interested but that you are not in a hurry or pressure, he will come to you.
2. Remind yourself that things may be becoming familiar.
If you’re used to the guy you like chasing you and he’s started to get a little less enthusiastic, try not to panic. This could just be because the two of you are settling in more now.
Most of us give our all when we’re dating someone for the first time because we want them to see the best versions of ourselves. This may have been what you saw in the ‘hot and interested’ phase.
Your ‘cold’ phase may feel cold compared to your heat, but remember that it’s all relative and this may just be your ‘normal’ phase.
Every relationship reaches a stage where it feels familiar rather than exciting, so keep that in mind.
Instead of expecting romance and constant texting all the time, remember that things will settle down the more you spend time together.
There’s nothing wrong with being more relaxed with each other – consider it a compliment that he’s comfortable enough with you to be himself; in fact, it’s a testament to how good things are between you.
3. Keep yourself distracted.
One of the problems with hot and cold behavior is that the “ends” are very, very easy to fix.
If your man is everywhere and you are not sure where he is, you can start analyzing his behavior very quickly. The more you focus on it, the more you see ‘problems’ where none probably exist.
Because you’re so obsessed with what he’s doing, you’re more likely to classify his behavior as bad or cold.
For example, when things are going great in a relationship and your boyfriend is slow to respond, you don’t really question – there’s a strong foundation, so why would you need to doubt him?
When you’re feeling anxious about a man, you notice every little thing that feels “weird” – suddenly, a ten minute delay in an answer feels like he’s about to break up with you!
This shows that everything revolves around the mindset where we came from. If we’re confident in your relationship and focus our mind on other things, we’re coming from a good mindset and we’re less likely to get upset easily.
If we’re just focusing on our relationship and we get too worried, we’re coming from a fear mentality and everything becomes a red flag.
Keep yourself busy with your own hobbies, hanging out with friends, or just enjoying some alone time. The more distracted you can keep yourself, the less impact the little things will have on you.
You may start to notice that your man’s “hot and cold” actions are actually you interpreting things based on your “good and bad” mood.
4. Keep communicating!
If you’re really lost and have no idea what’s going on, there’s nothing stopping you from talking to your man.
While we tend to avoid major discussions about feelings from the start, it might be worth bringing things up if they’re really starting to bother you. Nobody wants to feel messy!
You can check with him that everything is okay – without using language that “blames” him.
Say something like, “Things are a little different between us, do you want to talk about it?” or “I feel like we don’t see each other anymore, why don’t we plan a good night together?”
Looking at it from a positive angle like this shows him that you’re not trying to start a fight or criticize his behavior. Instead, you’re trying to make things better for both of you.
It also gives you a chance to be honest if there’s something else going on – he might not want to bring things up, so this can be a good warning to help you open up.
It also shows that you know what’s going on and will help you realize that your actions (or inactions!) are impacting you. He will understand how you are feeling and you will be able to move forward together towards a solution.
5. Know when to move on.
Of course, this man could honestly be playing hot and cold with you because he’s just messing you up.
Intentionally or not, it’s frustrating and sometimes upsetting to put your energy on a man who doesn’t really know what he wants.
If this is starting to negatively affect your well-being or you’re starting to feel bad about not knowing where you are, it’s okay to prioritize yourself and walk away.
If you think this behavior is a pattern and it keeps happening, it’s unlikely to change. If you mentioned it and nothing has changed, there really isn’t much else you can do.
Either you accept that you’re going to be taken on an emotional roller coaster with this guy, or you put yourself first and walk away.
This can be very difficult to do, especially when the ‘heat’ is so… hot! But, are you committing to accepting this behavior and letting him think it’s okay to play with you like that, or are you valuing yourself enough to walk away and find something better.
As much as you like someone, it’s exhausting and upsetting when it feels like they’re messing with you. If they like you, why are they playing?
To change your relationship from ‘cold and disinterested’ to ‘hot very interested!’ you can follow some of the steps mentioned above.
Chances are you’ll either be able to find a solution that works for both of you (like better communication) or you’ll realize it’s really not worth it.
Either way, you’ll know where you are and you’ll be able to move on – with or without your man.