He is a cat, intelligent and incredibly charming. However, every time you show your emotions, he distances himself.
You are probably dating an emotionally unavailable man.
You expected a grand gesture of love or an open declaration, but he just said he likes you a lot and he’s not ready for a relationship yet, because he’s still dealing with the breakup of his last relationship, he wants to focus on his career or is looking to find a cure for cancer or world peace.
Chances are you are dating a man who is emotionally unavailable.
But you really want this relationship to work because he’s an amazing guy. In this situation, you don’t know what to do.
How to make him open up and surrender? Well, this is a very difficult task, but it is possible.
Understanding an Emotionally Unavailable Man
If you’re dating a man who finds it hard to open up, goes out with you but keeps his distance and doesn’t grow in the relationship, then you’re probably with a man who can’t handle emotions.
The problem is that you are falling more and more in love with this man and you want to take the next step in the relationship, but it seems that you are not as in love with yourself as you are with him.
If you try to talk to him openly about your feelings and ask him to talk about his feelings and where this relationship is going, you’ll likely scare him, and he’ll shut down even more and pull away from you completely.
The idea is to make him come to you and make him like you to the point that he doesn’t want to lose you.
But first, let’s identify some signs of an emotionally unavailable man and work through some practical steps to conquer this closed man.
According to expert couples counselor Wendy Perkings, men are born to be emotionally unavailable. They learned to become emotionally available or unavailable through a slow process of socialization.
Men will learn what women expect from them based on their personal experiences with emotions.
If he grew up in a family that doesn’t share or express emotions, he will mimic that same behavior and become emotionally unavailable.
A child can be greatly influenced if he has parents who are emotionally unavailable.
It is highly likely that this child will behave similarly towards their emotions in adulthood.
An emotionally unavailable man will spend a lot of time internalizing his emotions or will build walls to avoid dealing with them.
This leaves him completely unaware of his feelings and unable to express what he feels.
“They make excuses or try to change the subject when the conversation is about feelings and relationships,” says Darlene Lancer, who is a couples and family therapist.
But he was extremely charming, thoughtful and romantic when we started. What happened?
Well, that’s another sign that the guy you’re dating might be emotionally unavailable.
As things start to evolve, he starts to regress, sometimes he doesn’t even care about you anymore or makes up silly excuses that hurt.
“Actually, people who are emotionally unavailable start a relationship pretty quickly because they’re willing to skip the discomfort and natural rhythm of intimacy as a way to avoid opening up,” explains Author, Coach and Speaker Silas Valter.
It’s possible that this type of man has been emotionally hurt in the past in a traumatic way, and now uses excuses to build walls around him simply so he doesn’t get hurt again.
He may actually be attracted to you, but as the relationship evolves, he suddenly realizes that things are getting serious and this arouses his fear of intimacy.
If you find that your boyfriend is being unreasonable about changing his plans, and if he is adamant about his routine, then it is very likely that he is emotionally unavailable.
Men like that don’t like to lose control over their lives and will suffer a lot when it comes to making some life changes, such as going from single to dating or moving in with a partner after years of living alone.
If you suggest the idea of moving in with him, he may even panic and that is the reason he distances or makes these plans difficult.
An emotionally unavailable man is likely to be a perfectionist and will always think it’s someone else’s fault.
You will find that your emotionally unavailable man often blames you, his girlfriend, for the most irrelevant things.
This can be a frequent problem. He is always blaming you for the simplest things.
It’s because he’s unconsciously trying to push you away from him as the relationship deepens. He will blame his past or ex-girlfriends for things he doesn’t want to do.
He will refuse to evolve emotionally.
To maintain and improve intimacy, it is healthy to talk about your feelings, to face the hard truths, but an emotionally unavailable guy will avoid these conversations.
He won’t take responsibility for things that are out of his comfort zone.
So if you’re trying to get him to meet your family or you’re trying to get him to hang out with some of your friends and he makes excuses, you’ve probably got an emotionally unavailable boyfriend.
That doesn’t mean he’s a bad person and shouldn’t receive your love.
He just forgot how to show his emotions and he has some emotional issues that need to be addressed.
If he’s a man you really want to grow into something more serious with, then try these six simple, proven practical steps to get him to open up.
The 6 Steps to Getting an Emotionally Unavailable Man
Understanding His Past
It is obvious that he is going through something consciously or unconsciously and the first step towards conquering this man is to understand the problems that bother him.
This could be the remnants of a troubled relationship in the past or problems with parents during childhood.
Whatever it is, it will help you know where he’s coming from and why he’s not opening up to you as easily.
By understanding this, you will be able to decide whether you want to continue in the relationship or not, and you won’t feel bad when he isn’t on the same pace as you.
Let It Set The Pace And Go With The Flow
Once you know more about his past, don’t rush things and don’t try to dictate the pace of this relationship.
Be his friend first, and as a friend, you’ll be there when he needs you, whether it’s helping him out or just listening to him vent. If he is going through a difficult time in his life, then be sure not to put pressure on the relationship.
Catarina Phang, author of the book ‘He’s in it, but he’s not ready: The definitive guide to dating emotionally unavailable men or guys who want to take it slow’, advises the following:
“When he’s hot, be reciprocal, that’s the time to bond. When he’s cold, keep your distance. Don’t try to force asking for attention and affection. He will only withdraw further.”
This also means that you will have to respect his rules.
If you’ve had that conversation with him and let him know that you want this relationship to evolve into something more serious, but he’s told you that he’d like to leave things as they are (casual), then you’re going to have to respect that. .
It is important to go as far as he wants to go. Try to force him into something else and he will run from you.
Go Out To Have Fun
Don’t keep waiting for him. Own her emotions, love yourself and go out with friends to have fun.
Be self-confident and develop a strong female sense that will make him more attracted to you.
You don’t have to conform to who he wants you to be.
Keep chasing your own interests.
If he’s never officially told you or anyone that you’re his girlfriend, then it’s okay to meet and kiss other guys.
“The recipe for a dramatic situation is to assume the role of a girlfriend when he himself has never used that word clearly to describe you,” says Catarina.
It’s all about balance and offering what he wants to offer, nothing more and nothing less.
give up running after
Don’t run after him. It may seem archaic, but all men like to be in control and prefer to go after it.
But for an emotionally unavailable man, this is also a matter of controlling the relationship and the pace it is taking.
It’s also a matter of exerting control over your emotions.
So every time you feel like you want to evolve in this relationship, take a step back.
Let him call or text and ask you out.
Let him run after you. Create a comfort zone in yourself for him to feel safe.
Lower the Pressure
By being patient with him you will take the pressure off him, the relationship and yourself.
There’s no need to say, “What’s up with our relationship?” or “Are you dating someone else?”. Just watch his actions, advises Catarina.
By putting pressure on him with these questions or complaining about your expectations, the only success you will have is seeing him distant from you.
You’ll feel like setting the pace in the relationship because you’ve fallen in love with him and you want to evolve the relationship, but it’s important to consider his feelings and what he wants.
If he still doesn’t want to meet your parents or hang out with your other friends, then wait for him to make suggestions.
be more open
It’s important to be able to open up to him too and express your own emotions. Tell him your secrets and talk about your fears.
You don’t want him to think you don’t want to share your life with him.
This will only make him suspicious of you and more distant from you. Match your pace with his. Don’t be too dramatic, especially when he’s clearly set a line.
But if you find that he doesn’t want to hear about your problems or know how you feel, that’s fine. Don’t scream, don’t cry and don’t be silent by his side.
Try to stay calm and play the game the way he wants to.
Don’t reward his bad behavior by saying something nice to make him feel better.
He may ignore you for a moment and it will probably hurt, but if you have to say it then declare how you are feeling after the dust settles.
This will show him that you are not an easily manipulated woman, and will make him see that loving you requires structure and responsibility.
Structure and responsibility will actually make an emotionally unavailable man feel safer to get closer to you.
You Can Win an Emotionally Unavailable Man
If you are in a relationship with a partner who is emotionally unavailable, know that a lot can be done.
There are skills that can be learned to radically change your emotions and his emotions.
Emotionally unavailable people can change. Loving an emotionally unavailable man is not an hour-long task.
It will require a lot of patience and understanding on your part.
You need to make sure you’re willing to take that path and make sure this man is worth the effort. Are you sure he’s the best man for you and not just a complicated guy?
Sometimes it’s okay to end the romance if you feel that the relationship isn’t going to work or is going to drain your energy without fulfilling the demands you’re looking for.