Do you know why we fall in love with a particular person? Why do you have desire and feelings for one when you can be completely indifferent to another person? Psychologist Irina Chesnova answers your questions through this article!
Our unconscious is playing tricks on us
According to psychologist Irina Chesnova, if it is so difficult for us to know why we fell in love with this particular person, rather than another, it is because this feeling is instinctive and comes from the domain of the unconscious! We have all met in our lifetime, extraordinary people who fascinated us, took care of us, loved us, and who helped us to become the person we are today! Most of these people are our parents. But they can also be grandparents, friends, models, …
Unconsciously, we associated these people with the feeling of love, and in particular, that which we received (or not) during our childhood. So when we meet a person who seems to “stick” with these images, it awakens in us these old feelings relating to love and affection. Unconsciously reminding us of someone who loved us.
This is why most people fall in love with someone who unconsciously reminds them of a family member (father, mother, or whatever) . The resemblance, which can be difficult to see consciously, can be physical, gestural, in relation to opinions or even habits. The resemblance, therefore, plays an undeniable role in the attraction because it awakens a deep and powerful feeling.
Events during childhood
The events that occurred during our childhood can be significant in our choice of partner. It is known in psychology that we are looking for an “improved” father or mother! On the one hand, we are looking for a person who looks a little like one of our parents (so we know “intuitively” how to interact with this person), and on the other hand, a person completely different from them on multiple points.
Indeed, the aspects different from those of our parents that we will look for in our partner, are all the things that we missed and that we would like to fill.
For example, if, when you were a child, your parents were not expressive enough (according to you), you will have to unconsciously seek a partner who will fill this gap. So in this case, a very expressive person who is not afraid to express his feelings.
Thus, we unconsciously seek in our partner, to remedy a psychological need, a wound to be healed, a lack to be filled, which according to us, we missed during our childhood (love, confidence, protection, pride, …).
In search of our half
According to Plato’s “banquet”, men and women were one with two faces, four arms and four legs. It is the myth of the androgyne! Fearing their power, the Gods decided to cut them in order to force them to seek and find themselves throughout their life to form a complete being again . We are therefore looking for our twin who completes us (on aspects which are not very developed at home) and which, on certain points, is different from us. For example, if you are a spontaneous person, you may be looking for a thoughtful and composed partner because you do not have this quality.
Harmony is essential
Harmony as well as certain common points are essential for the good understanding and the survival of the couple. Psychologist Vadim Petrovsky has highlighted three main fundamental criteria for a couple to be united.
The three fundamental criteria for a couple to be united:
First, the general temperament: For example, a person who is passionate, always in a good mood and dynamic must be with a person who has a similar temperament. Thus, the two people will be much more comfortable together, will understand each other more easily and will be on the same wavelength.
Second, the level of open-mindedness: It is important within the couple, to have a similar open-mindedness. If there is a lag, the person who is most open-minded will feel frustration and misunderstanding. There will be tensions in the couple, and it will not be able to last over time as well.
Third, an equal level of jealousy: Although jealousy is sometimes present in the couple, it must be felt equally for the good understanding and the survival of your couple. If she is felt disproportionately compared to that felt by her partner, this will create a lack of affection and a feeling of insecurity which can be harmful.
Imperfections that suit us
When we meet a person and fall madly in love with them, we are overwhelmed with emotions that alter our perception. We don’t see our partner’s faults right away, and we quickly fall in love with someone we don’t really know much about. In the four stages of the couple, it is therefore the phase of passion, fusional and magical.
After a while, we got to know the person better with their qualities and faults, and the illusion of the perfect person gradually disappears. Some will separate, belatedly realizing that their partner’s faults are incompatible with their values. While others, will be able to accept the faults of their other half because they do not harm their values and therefore are not very important to them. For example, a person who values, security and loyalty would not tolerate the lack of infidelity of his partner. Whereas, on the other hand, a person for whom these values are not as important to him, could react with more leniency and forgive more easily.
This is why it is important to know your values (there are multiple tests for that or it only asks to question what is most important to you) and to see if they correspond with those of your partner.
Either they correspond and you will sail on the waters of love quietly by accepting the differences and faults of your partner (because for you, they are not very disturbing), or you will not be able to accept them, because they hurt your greater values and therefore what forges your identity. You will always have the impression that you have to make efforts, to force and to put all your energy into a relationship that cannot last. Trying to ” change ” it will be futile, because you cannot force people to be a different person.
Would you like him or her to be different? So break up! And go in search of this extraordinary person who is made for you and whose faults will not put you in pitiful states! This is the best advice we can give you!